Lift Me Up
by dariachenowith
Summary: They say you should never judge a book by its cover, but this is easier said than done. FGB 09 story, canon fluff with some spicy snark, E/B, AU/AH. Rated M for lemons & language
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Welcome to my new project! It's my Fandom Gives Back piece the lovely five ladies - ChrisRW, Jessica1971, jjuliebee, sessahhh & Sugar Rae - have waited a long time for, but finally it is done! Thank you again for never forgetting what FGB is about - helping sick children!  
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**The story consists of 15 chapters plus epilogue, is just shy of 50k words long and will be posted Mon / Thu / Sat.  
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**I know what people normally except from me is some ultra smutty, heart-wrenching mindfuck story - beware, this is not it! It is, as far as I can say, the closest to a canon fluffy romance tale as I get - with a few twists and turns of course, to spice things up. There might be a few subliminal messages in here, too. For those who know me and want to hunt them down, have fun! The rest of you, please enjoy!**

**Unlimited thanks to L, A and C for talking me off the ledge many many times. This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever written.**

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**If anyone wants to follow my insane rambles on twitter - dariaABD is my new nickname. Just for updates you're better off with author alerts here and favs on TWCS. If you talk to me I'll follow you back  
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Lift Me Up, by dariachenowith **

**Chapter 1**

**BPOV**

_Catherine steadied herself against the railing, a sigh escaping her as Don Marco's heated gaze scoured her petite form, lust raging in his dark eyes. She hadn't yet regained her balance when he took a step towards her, a ferocious hunter stalking his prey._

_She tried to look away but couldn't find the strength to avert her eyes, too perfect was his manly chest, too powerful his stance._

_"Long have you evaded me, fair lady, but I will suffer this torture no longer from your gentle hands!"_

_Another powerful step and he swept her up in his strong arms, causing her to melt against him._

_"I will ravish you, fair Catherine, as no man has ever ravished a woman before!"_

_"Oh Don Marco!" she gasped as he lowered his face, planting a passionate kiss on her heaving bosom._

Heaving bosom. I couldn't believe that I was actually reading this book. I guessed the title and cover should have been a dead giveaway, but seriously, this was a new low. As was the flaming color in my cheeks. Not only was I reading a really bad romance novel in public, no, everyone must have been wondering why the quiet girl in the corner was as red in the face as a tomato.

Sighing, I closed the book and took a sip from my coffee - black, no sugar, no cream, just plain ol' coffee - as I let my haze roam over the street and park outside. I loved coming to this coffee shop, although I never ordered any of their fancy specialties. Just enjoying a few quiet minutes, watching the world pass by me in a bustle while I could relax and distance myself from everyone else - my version of five minutes of paradise. Or fifty.

I didn't know why I had picked up this book in the bookstore around the corner, but now I was stuck with it, and terribly ashamed that it affected me in any other way than sending tears into my eyes. I guessed that said a lot about my love life, or lack thereof, but the only other reading material I had with me was the project documentation I had grabbed to work on at home later, and I wasn't ready to sink to this new personal low yet. _Percy's_ was the one place where I wouldn't let work intrude - ever. So back to Lady Catherine and her heaving bosoms it was.

"Excuse me, Miss, can you tell me how late it is?"

My heart leaped into my throat at the question, and I immediately slammed the book, cover down, onto the table. I wasn't sure if he had gotten a glimpse at it or not, but I felt even more embarrassed about my choice of entertainment, bad as it was. Fumbling with the cuff of my blouse, I glanced at my watch.

"8:20," I stuttered out, before I raised my head and cast a first glance at the inquirer.

If we had been in said romance novel, he would likely have been Don Marco's dashing younger brother, with at least five more flowery verbs to describe his youthful striking looks. As it was, he was probably in his early thirties, brown hair tousled in that 'just rolled out of bed' way that required more time than most women's make-up, and light brown eyes that regarded me with polite interest. His dark gray shirt was unbuttoned at the neck and the black bomber jacket set him apart from the conservatively dressed white collar crowd that normally frequented the coffee shop at this hour of the evening.

At my answer his lips curled into a slight smile, and he inclined his head.

"Thanks."

Then he turned his eyes from my face down to the book lying in front of me, and I had to fight the strong urge not to put my fingers over it to hide the title.

"So someone actually reads these novels. I've always wondered who that might be."

His voice, rich but not too dark, held a certain amount of mirth, and while he wasn't really making fun of me, I felt a little insulted. That the sentiment was born of my own embarrassment, as unfounded as it probably was, didn't help.

"And I always wondered who judges people by the novels they read, particularly when they know nothing about said person."

His smile didn't waver, but he had the courtesy to look slightly chagrin.

"Actually, books say a lot about their readers, but maybe let me rephrase that statement. I was surprised to find someone as young and intelligent as you reading those bodice rippers. I'd rather have associated those books with elderly librarians or frustrated housewives."

"Intelligent, huh? Why does that sound like an insult coming from you?"

"Now who's all prejudiced?" he joked, but then sobered up slightly. "I'm sorry if my statement has offended you. I will now let your return to your doubtlessly captivating novel."

I was still taken aback by his directness when he got up, then inclined his head in a way that might have fit right into the novel if not for the gesture's mocking intent. Then he was gone, and I was left with a reeling mind and my mouth hanging open, at least as far as my emotional state went.

Even though he was no longer pestering me then I couldn't return to my insipid book, so I put it into my messenger bag and instead got my phone out to check my messages while I hurriedly slurped down the rest of my coffee. I was angry with myself and the way I let a random stranger insult me, and both didn't bode well for the rest of the evening.

Twenty minutes later I found myself walking into the bar I had promised to meet my friend at. Rose had insisted on spending our weekly girls night out instead of plundering the contents of her secret stash at home, and back then it had felt like a really good idea. But a day of discussions with imbeciles over how I should do my work, combined with random hunks insulting my intellect on the basis of a freaking novel made me rue that decision thoroughly.

The bar turned out to be everything I expected – slightly dingy but well kept, dark wood, polished surfaces, even at nine full of people who made a veritable racket. Five steps into the establishment and I had found my friend, as always drawing a crowd of admirers around her like moths to a flame. The comparison was even apt as I knew she was more likely to chew them up than take any of them home, but for some reason they always kept trying.

I first met Rose on a job – to be precise, the business she had been working for then had hired my company, and we had bumped heads over the project planning. I had instantly disliked the gorgeous blond who was clearly holding the job as project manager because she was humping her boss – until I had the luck of walking in on her ripping said boss a new one when he dared criticize her presentation style. In the end the project had been a disaster, she had been fired, but endless evenings spent bitching together had formed a bond that was still strong eight years later. By now she was running her own freelance operation, and whenever she needed someone to crank out a program or two over the weekend, I was her girl. And sometimes that also included hanging out at bars.

"Hey bitch, you're running early!" she greeted me heartily, then hugged me hard enough that I thought I heard some of my ribs creak.

"Yeah, what can I say, I just couldn't stay away from you any longer."

She grinned brightly as she flagged the bartender for two beers, while I took my seat next to hers at the bar.

"So, tell me, what are you up to these days? I called Marty the other day to talk him into loaning you out to me, but he said you were really busy."

I sighed, then slid out of my jacket to dump it onto my bag at my feet.

"Don't get me started! Last month this insipid group hired us for a minor project, but since then it's blown totally out of proportions. We had to re-assign three people, put another project on hold, and I don't think I'll see the sun face to face any time soon unless the roof collapses over my head!"

Rose chuckled, then accepted our arriving glasses and slid one over to me.

"To trustworthy code monkeys and the cunts who are burning to hire them for more slave labor!"

"To us!" I laughed. As crass and abrasive as she sometimes sounded, Rose was a good egg, and about the only female friend I called my own that I saw on a regular basis.

"So, bring me up to date, what's going on in the exciting life of Miss Bella Swan?"

Sighing loudly, I snorted.

"Exciting my ass! I think the only noteworthy thing that happened since we last saw each other was that Ms. Julie had another fit when she had to accept another package for me. I told them to deliver it on Friday, but of course it got there on Thursday afternoon – and you can guess from there."

Normally my neighbor was pleasant enough, but having to sign for my parcels sometimes sent her into a fits of Tourette's the likes I had seldom heard before.

"That bad, huh? Heard anything from Jake?"

My heart clenched for a moment when she mentioned his name, but I let the beer wash the sting away.

"Nope. As far as I know he's still happily diving in Hawaii, and before you ask, no, I do not spend my restless nights pining after him or contemplating where else he might go diving than in the ocean."

Rose briefly made a face when I cut her off from her number one teasing topic, but for once she let it slide.

"Be my guest. I still insist that you need to get laid. Working sixty hours a week and spending the rest either asleep or gunning down space bunnies is no way to live your life."

"And adding treatment for some STDs to the list is?"

Her derisive snicker was nearly drowned out by the din of the other patrons.

"You still don't know if you got the _chlamydia_ infection from that guy in Florida or not. You could have caught it in numerous ways, you know?"

"And how are the odds of that? Seriously, the last thing I need now is to become dependent on tetracycline or something. My rabbit can take care of any itch that needs to be scratched, and doesn't leave me in need for medical attention afterwards!"

I got an eye roll for that, but again, she didn't dwell on the topic. I was slowly growing suspicious of that behavior as usually such oversights on her part meant she wanted to lull me into complacency so she could whack me over the head with something later.

"It was just a suggestion. But maybe you should get new batteries, you sound a little too grumpy for that poor, overworked animal to do its job well."

"Yeah, what can I say, we can't all keep human fuck bunnies locked up in our bedrooms."

"Too bad, really! I would offer to lend you mine but as you explicitly declined in the past I won't waste my breath on that."

That was Rose to you, always the Good Sexual Samaritan.

"Thank you, I appreciate that," I quipped back, which drew more laughter from her. "And I'm so glad to amuse you, by the way."

"You're always fun to hang out with, B," she confided. "Even if I were going through a dry spell, which I am certainly not at the moment, I'd always know you'd be worse off than me!"

"Rose, ew! Condescension doesn't suit you!"

"What?" she complained, then grinned. "I wasn't being condescending, just making an observation."

I took a long sip from my drink instead of answering, letting her get the hint. She kept on smiling, then set down the empty beer with emphasis.

"Let's go, the new club around the corner has some awesome After Work Happy Hour deals and I think I really need to get smashed tonight."

And there it was, the c-bomb. Rose knew I hated crowds, and I hated clubs even more, but somehow she always got me tagging along with her.

"Do we have to? This bar here is nice, the beer's good, they don't have any insane sports events broadcasting -"

Just as if to taunt me, that very moment two of the screens at the other end of the bar came alive, loud sports commentary blaring from the speakers. Sighing once more at her triumphant grin I reached for my bag and put down some cash on the counter.

"Ah, whatever, let's go."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**EPOV**

I was late, and I knew it was a bad idea to stop for a coffee on the way to my gig, but I felt like I needed an extra kick to get me in the right mood. Marcy and Lydia had held me up for nearly half an hour with their simpering, and consequently Emmett would have my ass anyway.

Of course instead of a healthy caffeine infusion to go I had idled around the coffee shop for another fifteen minutes, for what turned out to be a total waste of time. But something about the woman in the corner had drawn me to her, to the point where I almost forgot that I had places to be.

At least until she had proven to be less of a cute girl and more of a vapid harpy, utterly resistant to my charm. I figured Dr. Brandon would be proud of me for not laying it on thick until she melted into my arms just as the heroine in that book she had been reading.

I tried to clear my head of thoughts of the romance novel chick while I made my way through the back of the club, exiting right behind the bar. A glance confirmed that Em had found some last minute replacement as I had been fifteen minutes late, one of the usual bartenders manning the DJ station.

"So good to see you. Finally."

Inwardly sighing I plastered a pleasant smile onto my face before I turned to the source of the slightly reproachful words – Emmett himself.

"Sorry man, I know I said I would be here by 8:30, but something came up. I know it sucks when the stand-in guy needs a stand-in."

His usual wide grin didn't falter as my friend clapped me on the back, incidentally pushing me towards my workplace, but his eyes turned hard for a moment.

"No problem, glad you're here now. And as it's only 8:45, she can't have been that good of a lay."

This time my sigh was audible, but I didn't comment on his assumption. I couldn't deny that it _had_ been a woman that caused me to be late, although in an entirely different way than he accused. In the end, any form of denial I could have offered would have led to the same result – he wouldn't believe me. So I just held my tongue, grabbed a bottle of Gatorade from behind the bar, and went to relieve Mike.

I had to admit, I approved of his choice of how to start off the evening – Lounge classics, relaxing but with a slightly upbeat note to let the crowd forget why they felt they had to get drinks on a work night. No college kids so I could stick with the good stuff, only add a new number here and there to pep things up a bit. As the time progressed, I turned to songs that held a little more rhythm, in an attempt to draw people onto the dance floor instead of just hang out around the bar and tables. I lost myself in the music, feeling it wash through my body as time progressed – a pleasant stupor, and all without any additional chemicals. Thumbs up for me.

Tonight there was no one here who held my attention for long – sure, a few women always tried to catch my eye, either to request a song or my phone number, but I had only empty smiles for them as I fulfilled the former but always ignored the latter wish. As it was, the people who knew how to reach me were very limited, even back then when I had kept my 'black book' in alphabetic order.

Entirely caught up in not focusing it took me a while to notice them – and if not for Em coming over to me with a fresh bottle and a confident grin I might have ignored the two women for the rest of the night, too. As it was, I knew he had set his sights on someone the moment he approached me, but that was hardly a novelty.

"Hey, E, can you switch it up to something with a little more beat? I have a feeling that's just what the doctor prescribes."

I rolled my eyes at his overdone macho demeanor but quickly rifled through my collection.

"Who ya trying to impress?"

"That blond bombshell over there. See her, swaying there with the cute brunette? Ah, I've always had a thing for blonds!"

I didn't comment that as long as she had tits and an ass to speak of, Em would have had a thing for her despite the color of her hair, but as I scanned the crowd to find who he was talking about, I had to admit that she was a fine specimen. Tall, curvy, extrovertedly beautiful going on gorgeous, I could see why she appealed to him – and about every other man in the club. What caught my eye was the ease in the way she kept dancing with her friend. Usually, women like her were all about being seen and impressing everyone around her, but if she even noticed that they weren't on their own, she didn't show it. She kept chatting and laughing, smiling at a joke but never in that pretended coy way so many women thought appealed to men. Maybe it did, it just never had to me. I could see why Em was drawn to her on a different level than just what was squashed into her dress. The fact that she was well above his usual hunting age – barely old enough to legally buy alcohol – told me that I wasn't the only one seeing that she was different.

"How 'bout some good old Mousse T? Always a crowd pleaser for when there's someone around who was actually getting the lyrics when the single was new."

Em grinned approvingly as I had known he would, and did something he probably believed was a 'cool dance move'. One might have figured that the owner of a club would pick up more from the crowd he catered to, but after knowing him for seven years, I started to believe Em just didn't care about being smooth.

As I let the signature beat of the song trail into the softer cadences of the last ones, the crowd gave the usual approving feedback, and people started streaming onto the dance floor, the blond woman and her less enthusiastic companion among them. They started dancing together, the brunette with her back to me, facing her friend, and I was a little startled to see a rather large tattoo covering her right shoulder blade. From the distance I couldn't make out the design, but the petite girl hadn't seemed like one much into ink from afar. Then again I had barely glanced at her, concentrating on her friend, so I might have missed a lot of other clues, too.

What I didn't miss was the body language between the two women, and I was about to send a scathing remark to Em when he turned to me, still grinning obliviously.

"Twenty bucks I get her phone number tonight!"

I nearly felt guilty for a moment, but then took his offered hand. "If you're this keen on losing your dough, be my guest."

Looking back over at the women, I inwardly shook my head. I knew it sounded a little pretentious and chauvinistic, but for me at least it was plain to see that if at all, the blond wouldn't leave the club with my friend. Or any other man for that matter. While there was no way to deny the open sensuality she projected, it was centered around herself, and maybe a little on her companion. The way she touched the other woman, invaded her personal space casually but without being blunt while still remaining at a distance – I just got a certain vibe from her, and I was sure I didn't misread it. Her blatant disregard of the men around her just added to my conviction.

While clearly unperturbed, her friend didn't seem to share her sexual orientation, but looked content enough to share the familiar closeness, if not the slightly suggestive notions. She was probably indulging her friend while being happy to just dance and relax, without being groped or stared at by the crowd. If the blond was casual sensuality, the brunette was contained tranquility – stepping out of her life for a few hours here, and not letting anyone or anything intrude. Maybe it was that sense, or my curiosity to find out what the tattoo on her shoulder was, but for whatever reason, the brunette woman fascinated me.

Eventually the song drew to a close and I changed to another one from the late nineties – again the crowd was pleased, and I didn't mind doing a little of good old college times reminiscing along to the familiar tunes. Em meanwhile kept prattling on about his intended conquest, but I mostly blocked him out. His euphoria would end soon enough, I figured.

Three songs later the blond said something to her friend, then nodded towards the bar, and both women stopped dancing in favor of getting a drink. Em was gone from my side within moments, and I figured I might as well go see the spectacle from up close. I still had to wait another minute for the perfect time to switch records to a slower song, mentally noting that I had seven minutes until I should start on the next. Chugging the last of my Gatorade back I walked over to join Em behind the bar, nonchalantly intruding where he was already trying to charm his way into the blond's panties.

"So you come here often?" he was just asking as he poured her drink from the shaker, some acidic looking green concoction that about matched her cool smile.

"Actually no, a co-worker of mine said the music was good here, and you have a great Happy Hour deal."

"I have way more to offer to a beautiful woman such as yourself," he cooed back, earning a brighter but nonetheless equally cold smile from her, and a derisive snort from her brunette friend, who was leaning against the bar, facing the crowd.

Getting some water myself I inched a little closer, trying to make out the design peaking out next to the edge of her tank top. I was surprised to realize that it was some kind of space ship, sleek in white and red from what I could make out, shooting laser beams towards her spine as it broke through a script logo, spelling something like 'BSG 75' or so. Below and above the image I could barely make out words, and I had to lean dangerously close to her to actually decipher them. The swirl above read 'so say we all', and the less fancy lettering below '"out-of-the-box" is where I live', all in black and without any capitalization. I had no idea what this was about, and it was nothing I would have expected on someone like her. Maybe some flowers or a stylized dragon, but not this, whatever it was.

Then she turned around and I hastily leaned back, probably a little too fast as her eyes immediately narrowed at me. Wide, dark eyes, sparkling with intelligence, and a hint of recognition.

It took me a moment longer to place them than she obviously needed, as she was already frowning when my sluggish brain made the connection.

"You! Are you like following me?"

As before her words confused me, but I tried to catch up with the lapse in my brain faster this time.

"Considering I work here I'd think I should probably ask you the same. But before you try to gut me with your rapier wit again, no, I'm not following you."

She stared at me a little dumbstruck, just as she had in the coffee shop, but was equally quick to react to my second foot-in-mouth statement in her vicinity.

"Rapier wit it is now? It was just a shitty romance novel I read because for some insane reason I thought I could check my brain at the door for a minute or two without some random dumbwit getting into my face and trying to put me into a box. Seems like you are still running circles locked inside there, though."

I had no idea why I had inadvertently insulted her, and although she was looking just as unfriendly as her words were, something in me immediately rose to the challenge. Something way above my belt, I had to admit, although she was kind of hot without the mousy shirt she had been wearing before.

"Oh, dumbwit, I'm impressed. I bet you didn't pick that one up from your get-away literature? Shouldn't you be using words like impertinent or dazzling or something like that?"

"Yes, please, the words leaving your luscious lips do very well ignite the blaze of love's passion inside my fragile chest – and now fuck off!"

The fact that she said it with a bewildered smile rather than a disapproving frown made me choke on my water, which only got worse as she shook her head and laughed under her breath.

"Sorry, I guess that was kind of uncalled for. Still, why are you even talking to me? I think we established earlier already that we don't quite want to insist on trading insults, right?"

The lack of crappy one-liners coming from my side made me realize that both Em and the blond were staring at us, watching our exchange with equally surprised looks on their faces.

"I have no idea what's going on, but I feel like watching a wildlife documentary on Discovery Channel," Romance Novel Chick's friend offered, drawing a snort from Em.

"Yeah, I'm more used to him smarming his way into a girl's good graces. Apparently his new approach is simply being plain annoying."

I didn't even get to reply as Em immediately turned his attention back to his intended conquest then.

"Speaking of good graces, might I ask for your number, seeing as it should be a crime to let a woman like you just walk away?"

I groaned loudly, as did the brunette girl in front of me, and just like I had predicted, a shrewd look now replaced the icy glare.

"You might, but I won't give it to you. Sorry to tell you, but you're utterly lacking the equipment I need."

At Em's puzzled look she threw her head back and laughed, the first genuine reaction she offered since their non-conversation started.

"Tits, cunt, you know, girl stuff? I'm sure the goods you're packing are indeed impressive, but so not what I'm out to buy."

Then, still grinning lewdly, she turned to her friend.

"B, pay up."

Again rolling her eyes the brunette reached into the back pocket of her dark jeans, handing over a twenty just as Em grudgingly held a similar bill out to me. Her gaze met mine and a smile returned to her face, making me notice for the first time that while not as blatantly pretty as her companion, she was quite the sight to behold.

"You actually bet against him getting her number? Wow, that takes guts."

"Guts, or just plain attention to body language."

My words seemed to surprise her, but then her face morphed back into that derisive mask she had worn back at the coffee shop as our previous conversation had ended.

"Guess when you get rejected often enough by women so not out to get laid by you, you pick up a thing or two."

Hopping from the bar stool she took her friend's hand and they disappeared into the crowd, the blond laughing while the brunette was still wearing that superior smile. I felt a little like bowing to her and offering a succinct, "Touché," but I was sure she would just have laughed at me for such a gesture.

I was a little surprised that instead of feeling rejected, I was even more intrigued by her.

"Ouch, that had to hurt!"

Snorting, I finished my water.

"You think? I wasn't the one trying to get into anyone's pants and getting my ass served to myself."

"Yeah, sure. I know that look on your face, like a hunter stalking his prey."

Ignoring Em, I threw the bottle into the trash and grabbed a new one.

"Whatever you say, boss."

He was still laughing when I returned to switch the records just in time, and I had to admit, I was a little disappointed when I caught no further glimpse of the strange tattoo or the dark eyes that equally piqued my curiosity.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**BPOV**

I should have been concentrating on work. Hell, there was so much work to be done, it should have occupied my every waking moment. It was work I liked, some even loved, but every single day I found myself staring into space, my mind wandering, leaving me yearning and angry at myself.

I found excuses to visit the coffee shop every evening. Like on Tuesday I needed to replenish my stock of ground beans to make it through the night. Or on Thursday, when I had forgotten to buy a new pack of filters and stopped to get a coffee to go. On Monday and Wednesday none of that worked, so I just grabbed my laptop and went over the latest code revisions with my trusty espresso at my side, right in the back at the table I had been sitting on last week. It was as if after the three days of weekend where I had completely refused to think about _him_ my mind was always returning to his easy smile and bright eyes.

It was utterly ridiculous, and when I left _Percy's_ on Thursday night I swore to myself that I would immediately stop this unrequited pining. I couldn't even say what drew me to him, as he was neither the sort of guy I normally dated, nor was it his charm. Nothing he had said had been remotely friendly, let alone nice, and I kept telling myself that it was probably for the best that I didn't run into him again.

Then came the weekend where I decided I really needed some time out from my amateurish stalking habit, so I packed my things and drove out to my mom's, spending my days and nights chatting with her when I wasn't doing the finishing touches on my project. Sleep was highly overrated anyway.

By Monday I was back, tired but feeling energized as I left my building – and happened to drop by the coffee shop for a quick caffeine infusion, just to be sure that I wouldn't fall face-first onto the table at our weekly group meeting. Of course he wasn't there, but I still felt like bashing my head in as I accepted my steaming cup. Whatever it was that drew me to him, I was clearly incapable of just letting it go.

Three days later part of my torment ended when I handed in my finished project, trying to hold back a yawn or two at my presentation. A quick calculation got me to realize I had been going on less than five hours of sleep for the last three weeks, lending me a last reason for my insane obsession – exhaustion. My boss was quick to catch on for once and sent me home to catch some zzzs even though the sun was still in the sky, and made me promise to do nothing except install the new version of the software update at one of our clients on Friday. I knew he couldn't afford to pay me overtime, so I didn't mind the seventeen hours of extra vacation I got instead. Although I kept bitching to Rose that my job sometimes felt like slave labor, the fact that I could more often than not work from home if I wanted to was an added bonus that I wasn't ready to give up just for a little extra money.

Being done with the project left me relieved enough that I actually slept the whole afternoon, and even parts of the night, and when I stepped outside on Friday, armed with my trusty messenger bag and laptop, I knew today would be different. Whatever his agenda, I would stop thinking about this insipid guy and instead follow Rose's advice and find someone else to scratch that itch that I couldn't deny. Someone who didn't haunt my every waking moment and parts of my dreams. Someone who didn't get in my face every time I saw him.

My good mood was still unhampered when I arrived at the gym at nine in the morning, sharp. Normally I would have been filled with trepidation at having to work at such an establishment, but I kept telling myself that today I wouldn't cringe, I wouldn't flinch, I would just do my job and be gone within the hour.

Having been Rose's sidekick for nearly a decade now, I had not been spared the torture of visiting a gym a few times with her. Rosalie was the type of woman these establishments catered to – here she could prance around and look fabulous after a sweaty workout session, and even if it was just standing at the juice bar and chatting for an hour, her membership guaranteed that she could always claim that she did everything to keep her stunning body trim and fit. She would have looked equally stunning had she never dieted a day in her life or set foot into one of these temples of contemporary health insanity. I, on the other hand, could have spent hours a day here, seven days a week, and would still have been little old me.

As I watched the throng of middle aged women disappear into the exercise room at the other side of the reception area, I had to admit, I could have had a worse lot. I had always hated physical education in school, but mostly because as a teenager I had been an uncoordinated klutz, and the fact that I was a late bloomer hadn't exactly helped. Even now, more than thirteen years later, I still had an aversion to locker rooms and communal showers.

The girl at the reception desk nearly fell around my neck when I told her I was here about their system, and quickly showed me where they kept their server and the three connected computers. Apparently someone had dragged in a virus while browsing porn – my guess, not her admission – and what should have been a routine update turned into a complete reset after I had salvaged what I could of their database.

So instead of spending thirty minutes there it was close to midday when I was about to pack my things and go. I was just checking that I had disconnected all the cables I had brought with me, crawling on my knees under the table with my ass sticking in the air no less, when I heard a scarily familiar voice.

"Amy, please tell me this was my last class for the day, because if I have to go through another fifty minutes of that I'll shoot myself."

I didn't need to look up to recognize _him_, but still chanced a glance around the table top. Yup, sure it was the bane of my existence, only now wearing light gray sweat pants and a white t-shirt, flip-flops, and for once no product in his hair. The way the cotton strained over his chest was rather distracting, same as the muscles of his biceps were rather well defined, and from the seat of the pants rather close to my face I could tell that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

_Oh. My. F -_

"You're lucky, Rita just came in to take the next. And you really must be the only guy ever to complain that forty women are drooling after you."

I heard him give a noncommittal grunt to that.

"It's not the drooling, it's more that they get their positions deliberately wrong so that I need to set them right again. That kind of defies them taking the lesson in the first place."

"Maybe they just want to goad you into breaking your own rules?" she quipped back, her teasing tone from before mostly gone. I suddenly felt really weird listening in on their conversation, and pushed the panel that hid the computer into place with more emphasis than necessary.

Getting to my feet, I felt his eyes burning a hole into my back, but I ignored him as I turned to Amy.

"Everything is set up and should be running smoothly again. If there are any troubles, call me, I can come over during the weekend, too." My boss put a lot of value into us appearing overtly concerned for our clients. Well, he never had to go fix a bakery's system at four in the morning, as far as I remembered.

"Great, and thank you so much for fixing the whole system! You'll mail us the invoice like last time?"

I nodded. God forbid anyone ever paid in cash anymore.

"Sure. And maybe tell whoever incidentally got the system infected to look for his porn elsewhere, that site's got the equivalent of the clap."

That left her gawking for a moment, and I decided that now was the time for a clean getaway. My heart still thundered in my throat as I packed my bag and turned to go, but as it was, the reason for my distress decided then that he wouldn't be ignored any longer.

"Wow, let's add electronic STD warnings to your impressive arsenal of defensive strategies. And there I was just wondering what you were doing here."

I exhaled slowly as he stepped in front of me, idly leaning against the desk but in so doing blocking my way to the exit. My heart skipped a beat or two when our gazes met, but I tried hard to remain calm.

"I guess the same as you were, doing my work. As it seems, the similarities don't even end there as it involved being on your knees and shouting at stupid people inside your head while you can't exactly get in their face. Wow, it's just as if we had some weird kind of connection there!"

He laughed, the sound warm and genuine.

"You might have a point. So you're working in IT? I was wondering about your tattoo the other night, the one on your shoulder? Should have guessed that it was some kind of geek thing."

I didn't know if I should have felt insulted at that or not, but the weird look Amy gave me certainly didn't sit well with me.

"Just so you know, it's not a 'geek thing', it's a Viper Mark II from Battlestar Galactica. Not that I expect you to know what I'm talking about."

A light frown appeared on his forehead for a moment, but he sadly didn't rise to my bait.

"Battlestar Galactica, I've heard of that. Re-imagined series on Sy-fy Channel right? See, I'm not as ignorant as you believe me to be." I was just about to admit my grudging mistake when he added, "It's the one with the tall blond chick in the red dress, right?"

And there all the brownie points he had just earned were gone again.

"Yeah, sure, it's all about the blond chick. You got me there."

Ignoring the sarcasm dripping from my voice, he shrugged.

"It's okay. Let me just grab a shower and I'll take you out for coffee in a few."

Had he just really tried to bully me into a date? I wasn't sure, but while I still felt slightly breathless from just being so close to him – finally! - his words brought my previous ire at him right back.

"Wait a minute, who do you think you are that I'll just wait here and faint right into your arms at your return? Tough lucky, buddy, I'm going home, and you can go back to your adoring crowd of admirers."

He looked as if I had slapped him right in the face, and when I took a step forward he let me pass unhindered. He didn't even look hurt, more astonished as if no one had ever dared say no to him. Heck, for all I knew that actually was the case. I didn't even know why I had said no to him, but I'd be damned if I was going to regret it now.

"See ya around then, I guess. As we keep bumping into each other, you know."

He didn't even sound as if he was trying for a double entendre but I still shook my head, angling for the door.

"Until I get a restraining order or something."

"Hey, _you_ keep intruding on _my_ work place, not the other way round! I'm completely innocent!"

That claim got me to stop and turn back around to face him. He smiled for a moment as if my sudden change of mind would bode well for him, but only until he saw the frown on my face. It didn't help that he was right and I knew I was being the one who hung around coffee shops in the futile hope of catching a glimpse of him. I felt like kicking myself, but as I couldn't really do that here, I instead projected my frustration with myself right back at him.

"I highly doubt that."

Amy, who had been listening to our exchange in silence, snickered, but we both ignored her.

"Well, maybe not innocent, but I'm not some crazy stalker or something. So coffee?"

"No, thank you."

I really had no idea why I declined, but it was really for the best.

"Suit yourself," he answered flatly, then turned away from me to raise his hand at a departing customer. "See ya, Tim!"

The man he had been greeting nodded and returned the gesture, then stopped right next to me.

"Hey Edward, I heard there's another 80s night at _Afterlife_ tomorrow, you going to rock the turntables again?"

Finally I had a name for the cause of my impending doom, although he really didn't look like an Edward. Then again how did Edwards look? Hanging back a little, I filed the snippet of information away.

Eward was in the meantime busy groaning at what was apparently a really lame joke.

"Yeah, sure. Em talked me into being there from nine to midnight. Should be fun."

They kept their banter up but I didn't follow the conversation any longer, and instead took my long overdue leave. I had originally intended to take a walk in the park but now headed home straight away, feeling my bed once again calling for me.

Only that I couldn't sleep once I was home and back in my pajamas. In fact I was more awake than hours before with two strong cups of coffee rocking my pulse. And not only awake, but restless. I felt like doing something, anything, just not lie around, trying to fall asleep. I also felt like bashing my head against the wall for being so stubborn to refuse the one thing I had been hoping for for the last two weeks – and after two hours of nearly driving myself insane, I finally relented and grabbed my phone.

"Hi bitch, glad to hear from you again!"

As always, Rose was obnoxiously cheerful now that her weekend was about to begin.

"You too. Say, what are your plans for tomorrow evening?"

"What, no 'how have you been?' or 'how's the wife doing', or even 'why did you fucking cunt stand me up on Tuesday?' - I'm disappointed."

Grinning at the wall, I tried to suppress a loud groan.

"I know you're well or you would have called. I presume the same about Carmen, seeing as you would have called if things were less than stellar between you two. And I'm kind of used to you sometimes leaving me hanging, but it's okay, I was drowning in work anyway. So, how bout we catch up tomorrow? Sushi, and maybe go dancing later? It's been weeks since I've been hanging out with you and Carmen both, I miss the estrogen infusion!"

There was a telltale silence before she came on again.

"B, what's going on? You finally jonesing for that threesome I've been trying to talk you into for years?"

"Sheesh, Rose, does everything always have to revolve around sex?"

"Lesson I learned from life, baby, it's always about sex! But if it isn't about me and my super hot lady, it must be something else. Let me think for a moment."

The smile in her voice got me regretting calling her in the first place, but I knew it was already too late.

"Let me hazard a guess, you wanna go to that club again we were at last week? What was it called, _Afterlife_? Maybe so you can keep bickering with that deejay? That itch of yours finally ready to be scratched, pun intended?"

That last part didn't even deserve an answer so I tried not to acknowledge it.

"It was just an idea. If you girls have something else planned already ..."

"No, no, I actually like the idea, and I've still got twenty bucks to spend that some unwise fool bet against the collective asshats populating this planet. Let's meet at that Sushi place we celebrated my last birthday at? It's close enough that we can walk from there, so you won't be burdened with calling a cab when you happen not to make it home too soon."

"Sure. See you then!"

I hung up before she could say anything else. Knowing Rose she would try to bully me into getting waxed. At least she didn't try to dress me up like that one room mate I had in college. Ugh!

Falling back onto my bed I felt oddly relieved, but at the same time unnerved by the very same fact – things looked good that I would be seeing him again. Edward, yoga instructor by day, DJ by night. Not exactly the kind of double life I would have attributed to him when he asked for the time back when had met first. Then again I had probably surprised him today, too. I didn't even know if he found me remotely attractive, although the fact that he had invited me for coffee boded well. Then again whenever he opened his mouth I felt ready to hit him, which might have diminished any feelings of attraction in the first place.

I was about to call Rose again to discuss this in more detail with her, but then figured I could do without her teasing me for hours. I already knew what she would tell me – one didn't need to hold long conversations during sex, and maybe he would even appreciate a slap or two. Sometimes I really wished I was living her life, because clearly, women like Rosalie Hale never had the same problems as I.

* * *

**For anyone wondering about the tattoo, the "out of the box" quote is from Kara Thrace.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**BPOV**

"You have to tell me all about him!"

Carmen's exuberant exclamation made me blink, slightly irritated – although more at myself than her. It wasn't as if I hadn't volunteered to place myself right into this snake pit.

"Uhm, I don't know what to say," I offered feebly, but she would have none of that.

"Rose told me you met twice? See, lots to recount and interpret and ..." she stopped herself then, smiling sheepishly at me while ignoring her girlfriend's vexed sigh. "We both know that little Miss Impatient here will only tell you to spread your legs and get over with. Maybe I can lend you a less smack in the forehead opinion?"

Grinning myself, I shook my head laughing. "Okay, okay, you got me there, so where shall I begin? Ah right, I was sitting in this coffee shop and he asked me for the time."

"A classic approach, really."

"Whatever," I murmured, clearing my throat as I tried to evade her inquisitive dark hazel eyes. As much as Rose was a paragon of Nordic beauty, Carmen was her darker colored counterpart. Barely taller than me, she was lithe and graceful, expressive eyes framed with endless lashes, thick, black hair cascading down her back, her light olive skin tone always making her look tanned and glowing. I could freely admit that I sometimes envied Rose her good looks, but with Carmen it was like being jealous of water for being wet – her beauty was more natural, coming as much from the inside as the outside.

"Anyway, the next thing I know he's insulting me because I picked up this stupid romance novel, and that pretty much set the pace for our recurring interaction."

"Which was a hoot, seriously," Rose piped up helpfully, grinning into her sake.

"As I remember it, it was more you and his friend talking anyway."

"But you told him to fuck off. In under two minutes. I think that's a new record."

Carmen silently followed our exchange, but interjected at the last part.

"Wait, you have the hots for this guy and still you told him to leave you alone?"

I could see her point. "Err, yeah."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Oh, it gets better still," I went on, then bit my tongue as I saw both women regard me with surprise, a dash of hostility on Rose's part.

"Wait, you ran into him again? What is he, stalking you or something?"

Swallowing my ire, I shook my head.

"It was pure coincidence. This time really. Yesterday I had to install some software at one of our clients, and turns out he works there."

"But you already knew he worked as a DJ at _Afterlife_. So what's the surprise there?"

"I did, but I didn't know that he was also a yoga instructor at the gym down by the river."

Carmen and Rose shared a look, then Carmen broke out in giggles.

"Well guess that bodes well. Rhythm _and_ stamina, can't say I wouldn't be tempted to tap that ass if I weren't so happily gay that I'm tempted to wear pink all the time!"

I pointedly looked at her dark cyan dress.

"You never wear pink."

"Exactly," she replied, winking. Rose gave another exasperated sigh, but then caught her lover's chin between her fingers and stared deeply into her eyes.

"Oh you wait until we get home again, and I'll show you just why you never think of cock anymore."

I averted my eyes as they kissed, not for the first time wondering why their constant PDA still flustered me. Rose kept teasing me that I was just denying my bi-curious tendencies, but that really wasn't it. I felt the same way when I saw heterosexual couples make out in public. It wasn't exactly the sexual component of the kiss that got to me, but simply the level of intimacy. In a way, it scared me as much as I longed to experience something like that myself. Not that I lacked experience, but things with Jake and me had always been on a more casual level, comfortable and hot but not that kind of – I couldn't even find words for it.

The moment thankfully passed quickly, but that only meant that we were back to the inquisition part of the conversation.

"So you met him again?" Rose prompted, the questioning lilt of her voice minimal.

"I did. We talked a bit. And I think he kind of asked me out on a coffee date."

"Sweet," Carmen interjected.

"Maybe. It was more a 'you wait here while I shower, then I buy you coffee' thing – so I declined and went home instead."

"Wait a minute – just so I get this right, you met him at the gym where he's working as a yoga instructor. After a lesson."

"Two, I think."

Carmen snickered while Rose went on biting out the words.

"Two. So picture, delectably good-looking guy in training pants and a t-shirt, I presume, slightly sweaty so he's throwing out pheromones at top level, telling you he's about to jump into the shower, with all the soap suds and, oh, being naked of course -"

"It gets better, I was just crawling on the floor collecting my cables when he came over to the desk, and let's just say it was quite plain he wasn't waring any underwear under those 'slightly sweaty' pants," I added.

Rose looked ready to slap me, while Carmen seemed to have a really hard time not to choke on her laughter.

"What the fuck, Bella? You come face to crotch with a guy who draws every register to get into your unmentionables, and you refuse? I can't believe I still consider you my friend!"

"There, there, now don't get so high and mighty, maybe she was intimidated by just what she saw there wrapped all in 'slightly sweaty' cotton! I did an aerobics class once with a male instructor, and seeing his junk juggle around right in front of my nose might just have turned me into a raging lesbian forever!" Carmen recounted.

Rose glared at her for a moment, but then her gaze softened, until only a light frown remained when she turned back to me.

"Be that as it may, does your sudden interest to re-visit that club mean he'll be there again tonight?"

I nodded.

"Just when I left I heard him and another guy talk that he's working. From nine to midnight."

The other two women shared another look, before Rose nibbed on her sake again.

"And what's your battle plan? After all you do get into his face quite viscerally all the time, and even if he has a thing for that, eventually he will just move on to the next flower that's flaunting herself a little more openly."

"I don't really have a -" I started, then stopped. Rose raised her brows at me, urging me to go on.

"Okay, I might have given this some thought." Like nonstop since I got off the phone with her. "I know I'm not exactly good at this whole seduction thing, but I figure not getting into his face the moment he opens his mouth might be a good start."

"Only if you're referring to making conversation."

I sneered at Carmen for that, but tried to ignore her wide smile.

"As I was saying before you had to make that comment that I would rather have expected from your dearest muff muffin here, I figured I'd try to be nice. Maybe that works. I mean I'm not exactly looking for a long term commitment here, and he seems rather, uh, easy about things like that anyway."

"You prejudiced whore, just because he earns his money watching women bend over backwards for him or joggle their tits in his face doesn't mean he's a manslut."

Rolling my eyes at Rose, I went on.

"Maybe not, but did he really look like the kind of man who woos a woman, sings ballads to her and swears his eternal love on the first date?"

"Maybe you would know by now if you hadn't chickened out of that offer of his for said first date."

"It was just coffee! And you know that I don't react well to being told what to do!"

"Obviously, since I keep telling you to get laid and you're still that heart-broken old spinster you turned into after Sunny Boy went off to dive into shallower waters."

"I'm not … how can you say I-"

Carmen smacked her girlfriend lightly on the arm, glowering at her as she came to my defense.

"Rosalie, that was really uncalled for. You know Jake and Bella mutually agreed that their relationship isn't working anymore, and parted, no hard feelings left. So it's been a while since she hooked up with anyone, it's not like you're up for three hours of hot, sweet lovin' every night when you're buried in work. There's a reason I treated myself to a new rabbit a few months back, you know?"

Rose actually had the grace to look chagrin, then exhaled loudly as she inclined her head towards me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. But you know my stance on the subject. And the way you keep talking about that yoga DJ of yours he does seem like a prime candidate to break the dry spell at least for a night or two. You can always think about how to go on from there if you find his performance satisfactory."

By the end she was back to her usual teasing tone, earning a scornful look and a grin from me.

"I guess that sounds like a plan."

"Now let me see that outfit of yours up close!" Carmen begged in an unnatural air of girlishness that I really wasn't used to from her.

Frowning slightly, I got up from my chair and dutifully stepped closer to her, turning around once so she could inspect my clothes. After trying hard to come up with something sexy from my limited wardrobe I had snapped, and grabbed the first things I could find sticking out of my non-work attire. Luckily for me, the dark blue marlene jeans fit perfectly to the black-and-purple sleeveless top that hugged my upper body in all the right places, for once creating something resembling cleavage from next to nothing. Sneakers had felt off to complete the outfit so I had slipped on the wedge ankle boots my mom had brought me on her last stay over. I had even gone through the laborious effort to paint my nails purple as my toes had looked weird bare in the cut-out boots. I was sure I would end up with bruised feet from the unfamiliar shoes, but I was hoping it was worth the effort.

Carmen looked me over with slightly narrowed eyes, but then smiled her approval at me.

"You look great! I'm sure he'll forget all about picking a fight with you when he sees you like this!"

"And you even got your geek thing covered up, that's a pro, too," Rose remarked snidely.

Rounding on her, I tried my best to look offended.

"First off, he has already seen it, and I'm not trying to hide anything. And maybe you should date him, seeing as you two seem awfully of the same mind when it comes to me and my tattoo! It's not a 'geek thing'!"

Again Carmen laughed while Rose just kept grinning.

"B, seriously, it is. You work as a code monkey and have some sci-fi fighter branded on your back. I think that's as close to the definition of geek as it gets! A hot, sexy geek, but still a geek! So shut up and sit down, I'm starving, and I think all of your complaining is keeping our waiter away."

There wasn't really much to say to that so I took my seat again, still glowering. For a moment the image of me kneeling on the bed with him fucking me doggie-style came to my mind, unbiddenly interrupted by him making fun of my tattoo again. I could feel my cheeks heat up in twin consternation and arousal, but then figured I could for once swallow my pride if it actually came as far as said fucking. Maybe I'd just keep the shirt on, just to be safe. It wasn't as if I was wearing a bra anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**EPOV**

Saturday night – I used to live those few hours. Mix songs, drink, take some E, dance, pick up a random girl, fuck her – my definition of paradise from age twenty on. I didn't care about college, I made enough money to get by and finance all of my habits – life was good. But now? Now it was something between a nuisance and a favor I did for my friends. No redeeming moments for myself. Unless – but I didn't even let my thoughts go there. Disappointment would have ended the already dull day in a way that I might have to consider a messy reunion with Mr. Jack Daniels.

My attention was suddenly snagged from scanning the dancers to the perky platinum blond woman joining me at my station.

"Anette! What are you doing here?"

Grinning broadly she hugged me, then stepped back to glance at the records I had readied for the session.

"Talking you out of Catherina and the Airwaves, as it seems! Gosh, Edward, you don't have to drag everything back into the light just because you're doing the eighties tonight!"

"Good to see you, too," I replied warmly, earning one of her trademark flippant gestures.

"Indeed it is! Last time was when? Help an old gal remember here!"

Snorting I shrugged.

"'08 or early '09 in London. Opening party of _aquum_. You were so out of it I had to take over for you."

"Good times!" she grinned, then stepped back to give me a once-over.

"Sheesh, you look dashing tonight! Who allowed you to lose that emaciated drug-addict look? Can't say I don't approve of your change in style, but it will take a while until I get used to you no longer looking as if you'd been run over by a lorry."

I offered her a lopsided grin.

"Is that so? And you can lay off the British slang, contrary to most people I still remember you telling me about how you spent your entire youth over in the US. You can't fool me."

Her grin was unnaturally white in the dim light.

"Ah, I see, some brains left under that shock of hair still? Too bad, and there I thought I could charm you with my totally not overdone accent!"

"You know that I'm always charmed by your sweet voice alone."

She kept the grin on her face for a moment longer, then went back to perusing my records.

"But it's really been too long! I had to come over when Em told me you'd be here tonight. Said you've become scarce on this side of the dance floor? I had to see that for myself, nearly took me a week to get a hang on you."

"You could just have called," I chided her gently, but she flipped me off.

"Sure, call you, come over for a coffee, eh? Ed, we've been there, didn't work so well if I remember correctly. And I know all about your rule anyway, so why bother? Seeing you work in your natural habitat is more fun anyway."

I tried hard to remember when we had nearly but not quite hooked up, but couldn't come up with the details. I knew it had been when we'd been touring the Spanish islands one summer shortly after Nette had signed her first record deal, but that wasn't exactly limiting the time frame. Better not to dwell on that for too long, I told myself. That wasn't me anymore.

"So you found me. What now?"

"I'll nag you about your current conquests of course! Watching all those girls thrown themselves at you is as entertaining as always?"

She pointedly nodded at the stack of napkins and even business cards littering everything.

"Wanna pretend to be my girlfriend? I could really do without them. But at least none of them threw their panties at me tonight. Yet."

Nette laughed, then picked up one of the napkins and studied the dark red lipstick print on it.

"I don't know, I think I'd rather let you fend for yourself, you know? Who knows, in the end I'd just deter the one girl you'd wanna pick for the night, and then you'll get all grumpy and emo and all that shit. No, thanks."

"Not likely," I admitted, then pointedly ignored her as I focused on actually doing the work I was getting paid for.

"Not even some likely candidate? I know you used to party quite hard, but I don't think it was bad enough to actually, you know, affect your stamina or something."

Sending her a smoldering look that usually reduced any female recipient to a puddle of goo but only got her to crack up again, I snorted.

"Stamina isn't the problem, and I assure you, the downstairs plumbing is still working all right. But I just don't feel the need to fuck everything with a nice rack anymore."

Nette smacked her lips, but the surprise on her face came with a smile.

"You just getting old or is it a special rack that got your attention?"

Before I could stop myself I glanced wistfully at the crowd, looking for the by now familiar face but of course coming up blank. Nette still seemed to get her answer from that, and her smile became a little more real.

"Aw, that's so sweet! I never thought I'd see the day when you really fell arse over tit for a single girl!"

I couldn't believe we of all people were having this conversation, but she seemed reluctant to let it go.

"I'm not falling for her, how many pseudo British euphemisms you wanna use. We met, I admit I kind of like her, but I don't think it's mutual. She keeps insulting me, and even left me standing there when I asked her out for coffee."

"Maybe she's just not into it?"

"We fucking met in a coffee shop."

"Ah," she replied wisely, then grinned. "Maybe she's just playing hard to get. You know how some girls are, all coquette, particularly the young ones. How old is she, twenty, twenty-two?"

"No, I don't think that's it. And I'd say closer to thirty than twenty."

That got me a long stare.

"Who are you and what did you do with the bastard I spent the best years of my life with? You not only wanting something more serious than a quick fuck, and that with a woman your age? The end of the world must be near!"

"I didn't say I want more from her, that's entirely your weird idea. She's just – I don't know. Can't get her out of my head. And that we keep bumping into each other everywhere doesn't help, either." Another glance out into the crowd and I added, "Maybe I should just fuck her out of my system, you know? Hook up with a random bimbo and be done with it."

Nette snorted, then took the record I had just picked up and put it back into the box, handing me another one instead.

"This, beat's the same and you want to keep the people happy! And back to your situation there, if you really keep seeing her everywhere and not just in your head, maybe try exorcising that demon with her? She's probably annoyed to have your mug in her face wherever she's going by now, relationships have been built on rockier stilts and still worked."

The idea alone made me scoff.

"Me? Relationship? Seriously, if there's one thing I'll never be capable of, then it's keeping a girl for that long. I'm not just a horny fucker about that rule, Nette, whatever I've tried, I just don't work that way."

The look she sent me was doubtful, but this time she didn't keep nagging.

"Do it your way then. Thank God I'm neither your mum nor your sister, so I don't have to listen to you whine afterwards when you fuck that up again. But for the record, you'll never gonna make it work if you don't try. And put down the shitty Kim Wilde! You know I love the woman, but if you mix 'Kids in America' into that song now I'll have to kill you!"

Our banter turned to other topics then – Nette had been busy since I last saw her, and we had quite a lot to catch up on. I was so immersed in our conversation that I barely kept up my stupid search, and it was once again someone else but me who saw _her_.

"Mate, I'm afraid to tell you that, but I think you have a new fan. That girl's been staring at you for the last four songs, and I'm not sure I won't end up dead in a dumpster outside if I stay chatting with you."

My head shot up as I quickly scanned the dance floor, but came up blank.

"Over at the bar, Em's just talking to her. See? The one in the purple shirt, long hair down."

There she was, my nameless, easily offended object of desire. I had no idea how I could have missed her – at least to me she stood out of the overdone crowd like a pure beacon of natural beauty. No tons of make-up to obscure her face, no implants that would offset the balance of her body, no garish clothes that distracted from her eyes and lips, lips that I longed to kiss and probably see wrapped around my -

"Just so you know, it's so unprofessional to get a hard-on just from looking at a girl. She really must have hit you right between the eyes."

"What do you know about me and what gets me hard?"

Independent of her jibe, I still remained standing close to the turntable, just to be sure. I had to admit, the girl _did_ affect me somewhat awfully sometimes.

Our banter had distracted me for a moment, and I nearly jumped when suddenly a pair of dark brown eyes looked up at me from the other side of my station. I was rather dumbstruck when she thrust a bottle of Gatorade at me, a by now also familiar frown on her forehead.

"I have no idea why I let your friend bully me into bringing you this, but he sends his regard. And a rather stupid smirk and wink that cannot possibly have been meant for me, or else I need to go back over to him and bust his balls."

"Ah, I can see the allure," Nette murmured to me, before she grinned at the other woman and held her hand out to her. "Hi, I'm Anette, an old friend of Edward's! You must be the girl he's been talking about so much!"

"I'm going to kill you!" I hissed back, but Nette just grinned as she skipped out of reach. That left me at the full attention of my mystery girl, whose frown had deepened into a scowl.

"You're talking about me? To your '_friends'_?" I could hear the air quotes in her words, but for some reason she wasn't as angry as I had expected.

"I might have mentioned you. But Nette has a penchant for blowing things out of proportion."

Her bark of laughter made me realize how that could have been interpreted.

"I bet she does."

"Ah, not like that I mean. We never actually had … whatever. So what brings you here on this fine Saturday evening? Got my thinly veiled invitation after all, I see?"

She blinked, clearly irritated.

"First off, I really don't care who you screw or not. Second, there was no invitation, some guy asked you if you were working on Saturday, you just affirmed his question. The only invitation you offered was an order for me to stay put until you were done with your suds, uhm, shower, and then follow you around like a lost puppy. Which I declined, as even you must remember as it was yesterday. And it's pure happenstance that I'm here. I was just tagging along with my friend and her girlfriend, that's all."

Her little speech had my mind reeling a little from the sheer amount of information she dumped on me – plainly spoken the same as between the lines – but I did my best to withstand the temptation to continue teasing her.

"I'm sorry if you understood it as such, that really wasn't my intention. I just wanted to ask you out for coffee. Some thoughtful gesture you women always ask for, seeing as we met in a coffee shop, and I saw you leave the same one a few days ago."

Her frown dissipated into a look of surprise, but after a few seconds she regained control of her features, replacing it with a neutral but not unfriendly smile.

"Ah. Okay. Well, maybe you should work a little more on your definition of thoughtful. You have this thing going on that makes you seem like an ass the whole time. And I don't mean the braying type, just so you know."

For some reason her words got me smiling back at her rather than feel insulted. Maybe because they seemed more defensive than anything else.

"Noted. Which reminds me, where are my manners, let me introduce myself, I'm Edward."

"I know," she countered, staring at my offered hand for a moment before she took it. Her skin was warm and soft, no surprise there, but her grasp was firmer than I had expected. Why that detail made my cock spring to attention – again – I didn't know, but I was suddenly happy that Nette had left.

"So -," I hedged.

"So?"

"How shall I call you then, fair maiden? Or do I have to earn the privilege of knowing thy name?"

Her eyes narrowed slightly at my repeat attempt to goad her with some overtly flowery phrases, but she didn't get right into my face this time, but even looked a little abashed.

"Sorry. I'm Bella."

Belatedly she let go of my hand, then stuffed hers into the pocket of her pants as if she didn't know what to do with it.

"Now that that's settled I guess I'll go have some fun. Mingle with the crowd, have a few drinks, you know, the usual. Rose is probably already looking for me ..."

She trailed off, craning her neck to catch a glimpse of her friend. We both saw her about the same time, and I couldn't keep from chuckling when I recognized the gorgeous blond wrapped around a slightly shorter dark-haired beauty.

"I might be wrong but I somehow get the impression that she can do without you for a while. That is unless the three of you are an item."

The look she sent me should have burned a hole into my forehead.

"What is it with guys and lesbians anyway? Why does the big red warning sign that clearly spells "fuck off!" never tip you off that you're not wanted there? And no, I'm not part of any item, homosexual or otherwise."

Her indignation was just too funny for me to let it go.

"I don't think that most guys really want to have sex with girls who make out with each other. But the more ass and the more tits, the more we are fixated on something. I think you're bright enough to figure out the rest from there."

Instead of laughing, or at least raging at me, that statement seemed to take the wind out of her sails, leaving her deflated in more ways than just one.

"Yeah, who needs inner values like charm and intelligence anyway when you can slobber over some monster juggs. Was nice talking to you, Edward. I'm really glad we had this conversation."

I really didn't know what I had said, or neglected to, but the hurt look in her eyes as she turned away made me scramble for a good comeback, any comeback really that might brighten her mood again, and make her stay.

"Hey, you can't just go like that!"

"I can't?" she replied, anger slowly seeping into her voice. But at least she was still here.

"No, you can't!" I exclaimed. "You can't just chat up a DJ and leave. You have to chose at least one song to play."

Bella didn't look exactly happy, but her dark mood seemed to lift a little.

"I honestly have no idea what to request. The 80s aren't exactly my style."

"Then come up here and have a look at my records, maybe you'll find something in there?" I indicated the box next to the turntables.

She hesitated for a moment but then nodded, joining me at the elevated niche that was my workspace. I quickly changed records, then looked over her shoulder, curious what she might go for.

Just as I was about to suggest not to linger with Blondie too long unless she wanted me to show her my special mix of 'Call Me', a shrill voice coming from the dance floor drew my attention away unbidden.

"Hey! Can you please play the new Britney single? All this slow music is totally making me all mopey!"

I had no idea how the girl asking me this had gotten into the club, as any bouncer should have seen that she clearly wasn't of any age that would have gotten her inside legally, and just now her mere presence was as much of a nuisance as her request.

"Sorry but this an eighties night for a reason. And we don't keep any Disney Club records here."

She looked dejected for just a moment, then held out – _quelle surprise_ – a signed napkin to me.

"Too bad. You could still give me a call if you -"

"Listen, I have no idea what age your fake ID is stating you are, but I know how old twenty-one looks, and you're a far shot from that. So keep your number, and if I see you order a drink at the bar that isn't all soda or coke I'll make sure that you don't get in here again until you're allowed to. And maybe don't go hitting on guys who are easily twice your age, most of them don't like getting their asses busted by the cops when they find out how old you really are."

Now she looked downright ready to cry, but at least retained the grace to turn around and walk away without another word. When I turned my attention back to her, I caught Bella looking at me with something close to approval on her face. It was instantly replaced by a light scowl when she saw me regarding her, but I was sure I hadn't just imagined it.

"Wow, I'm impressed, I didn't think you had enough decency inside of you to send her scurrying away."

"Not surprising, considering you don't really know me."

"Oh, is this the moment where you expect me to believe that you actually have some depth and character and just play the role of the airhead who'll never grow up?"

I had no idea where she got that from, but I figured it was the first snarky comeback that occurred to her.

"Of course. And to underscore that impression I will now judge you by the song you chose. Worked so well with the books you read in the first place. Now let me see." I was a little puzzled when she held out the a-ha record to me. "Huh. And there I would have expected something like 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn'."

"Oh come on, 'Take On Me' is a real classic! Plus it's the first record I got when I moved to Phoenix, so quit bitching if you don't want me to hit you with it!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

She was actually smiling when Morten Harket's voice came on, and I was more than a little surprised when she started dancing right there next to me with not much care in the world. It got even better when she also took up singling along with the chorus, and I had to admit, her voice wasn't bad. In fact I was so engrossed in watching and listening to her that I nearly forgot to switch to the next song when this one was over.

"Wow, I have to admit, if this were a karaoke bar, you'd totally have gotten full points with that performance."

She made a face at that.

"Gee, thanks, you say the sweetest things."

"Do you actually have to mis-interpret everything I say? That was a compliment."

"Oh." Bella looked genuinely surprised, but then that nasty look was back in her eyes. "Okay. Still not gonna sleep with you."

"Who said anything about sex?"

It wasn't as if the sight of her gyrating her hips didn't have a certain effect on me, but for once in my life I didn't try too hard to charm her pants off, and of course she had to get it the wrong way.

"I thought that's what people like you always talk and think about."

"Has anyone ever told you that for someone who detests being categorized by what they read or listen to, you're very fast to spew exactly the same kind of prejudice into other people's faces, too?"

She had the grace to look taken aback for a moment, and I figured that was the only opening I would get.

"As it is, it's been seven months and twenty-three days since I last had sex. Not that it is any of your concern, but contrary to what you apparently think, I don't spend my whole time letting my dick rule my thoughts and behavior."

Although right at the moment, my dick and I were of a similar mind.

"I didn't mean it like that," she stammered, then fell silent for a while as she looked at everything except me. "It was some weird kind of knee-jerk reaction, I guess. Sorry if I wronged you. Although seven months, that's long. And that you know the exact number of days is weird. But as you said, not my concern." Then her gaze latched onto all the notes with phone numbers lying around. "Can't be for a lack of opportunity, though."

Her wry tone put a grin back onto my face.

"Not exactly. I'm sure your dry spell isn't attributable to the absence of men in your surroundings, either."

It was just a lucky guess, but I figured I might as well go for it. She responded with mixed signals, a new frown appearing on her forehead but her eyes remained calm.

"Who says I'm having one?"

"So you actually do have a boyfriend? I didn't think you to be that kind of woman."

"What kind would that be?"

"The kind to lead men on with flirting and eventually cheating on those who you proclaim to be faithful to. Just doesn't fit with the righteous indignation part."

She weighed her words for a while.

"No, I'm currently not seeing anyone, and I don't make a habit of lying, either. But before you start with something like 'oh, we have so much in common, let's have even more in common and share the sheets for the night', can the charm. It just doesn't suit you."

"Noted," I replied dryly, then turned back to select another record.

"Any preferences?"

She contemplated for a moment, then tapped one of my Ultravox records with one short, clipped fingernail. "That one."

This time she watched me intently as I let one song fade into the next, her eyes shining with interest.

"Do you always use vinyl records or just for the authenticity tonight?"

"On regular club gigs usually, if I can help it. Why?"

"Just curious. I don't think I've seen one of those since I was a kid," she nodded at the turntable setup.

"Got a few minutes? I'd be more than happy to show you a thing or two."

Bella hesitated for a moment but then she nodded, accepting the second pair of headphones as I handed them to her.

"I'll just do a simple crossfade now, for instance. Over the headphones I can hear the record on the second turntable, then at the right moment let one song go over into the next – and transition complete. Of course there are other ways to bridge the gaps, too ..."

I was surprised to find her genuinely interested in what I was telling her, and she wasn't just pretending to listen like the girls usually did, but asked questions when she didn't get something or wanted to know more. After my initial shock over that wore off I figured it was even making sense – she was working with computers, and although it had sounded like that I doubted she normally did tech support like with the gym yesterday. She'd probably appreciate my mixing equipment at home more, but there was no chance in hell she'd get her hands on that any time soon.

Although I wasn't abject to the idea of her getting her hands on something else in my home.

As slow as the evening had been before Bella showed up, now time was flying, and before long Em flagged me from the direction of the bar, telling me that the DJ who would take over the second part of the night had arrived. For a moment I was a little remorseful that I would have to go soon, considering that it would put an end to my lesson in music mixing with my charming pupil, but a second later I felt like kicking myself. She definitely had something about her that made me forget everything else around that wasn't directly related to her.

During the next song I tried to come up with a suave way of asking her to spend some more time with me, but I really couldn't think of anything that would make her want to say yes. For some reason, all of my usual lines seemed to rub her the wrong way, but it was fascinating to try to judge her reactions. She probably found it annoying, but the fact that she hadn't left my side since she had brought me the bottle of Gatorade spoke volumes in itself.

"Say, about that coffee ..." I hedged, trying to see how she would react before I jumped head-first into the ice cold water.

Bella cocked her head, her coy smile encouraging. "Yes?"

"Hypothetically, if I repeated that offer from yesterday, would your answer be the same, or would you actually come with me?"

A hint of uncertainly crept onto her face, and for once she didn't give me any crap for the accidental double entendre.

"Hypothetically?"

"Hypothetically."

"I think I wouldn't say no."

Which sounded rather promising, so I exhaled and took the next step.

"And if I changed the venue, would the answer stay the same?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

She shrugged. "Are we still speaking hypothetically here, or not?"

I tried to think back when I had last hesitated to make my move on a girl, and came up blank. This was definitely a new thing for me.

"Okay, before this gets ridiculously awkward or soap-opera like – wanna come over to my condo for some coffee?"

"Real coffee or hypothetical coffee?"

The way her eyes sparkled as she asked, paired with the lopsided grin, made my pulse speed up.

"Whichever you want. Just your presence in said condo should be real."

She considered, the moments of silence endless.

"I have to find my friends, tell them I won't leave with them, see if they -"

Bella bit off her ramble as she scanned the crowds, not finding the two women.

"You know what? Screw them, they probably left hours ago anyway or were planning on setting me up to be left all alone in the first place. When does your shift end?"

I checked my watch.

"Ten minutes ago."

"Oh." She looked a little jumpy, but then nodded. "Okay, just give me five minutes. I need to go to the bathroom first."

"If that's a code for some secret girl thing, please go ahead. But if you actually intend to use it for it's intended utilization, why not take care of that over at my place? Provided you feel comfortable doing that there in a strange guy's home – but I cleaned it this week, I'm sure it's a lot more sanitary than the facilities here."

"Uh, thank you, I guess?" She ventured, then nodded for me to go ahead. "That actually sounds like a real relieve, pun intended. Just why did you ask about me being comfortable with that? After all if I were ready to accept your coffee invitation, why shy away from your bathroom?"

I felt a little irritated that she didn't get the reference, then even more so at myself for actually making it.

"It was mentioned on Sex and the City. That women don't feel comfortable using bathrooms in a guy's flat until they settled in or something."

"I don't know what to make fun of first, the fact that you believed that, or that you watched the show in the first place?"

"Fine, whatever. Feel free to do that, at length, while you sit at my kitchen counter and drink that coffee with me."

With her lips pressed together I watched her consider again, but then she inclined her head for the final time.

"Let's go."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**BPOV**

I still couldn't believe this was happening when I followed Edward into his condo. Not that he was taking me there, but that I had accepted his invitation, and remained so oddly calm about it. That just wasn't me. And still, being around him had turned out to be a surprisingly pleasant experience, at least once he stopped sounding like a chauvinistic pig.

My calm quickly evaporated as I stepped into the bathroom, though, and it got even worse when I was done there and went into his living room. Taking my surroundings in I swallowed thickly, then turned towards the kitchen door where I heard him rummaging around in the fridge.

"Please don't be offended by that question, but are you gay?"

The sounds coming from the next room stopped abruptly, and a moment later his head peeked into the living room where I stood, wringing my hands nervously.

"Not that I have anything against homosexuals, but why do you ask? And as far as I'm aware of, the answer is no."

I ignored his question, and went on to the next plausible explanation.

"Do you have a girlfriend? I should probably have asked that before. I really don't want to be part of you cheating on anyone."

Again he stopped with his rummaging, this time leaning against the door frame to regard me calmly.

"Nope, no girlfriend. The last time I've been living with a room mate is more than five years ago."

"Then why is this room looking as if it had been arranged after Feng Shui? Why are there scented candles everywhere, and what's with the incense? Your condo looks worse than what my mother used to drag home when she got onto one of her esoteric trips."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of sexy when you're all confused and condescending?"

I felt my cheeks heat up slightly and turned away in an effort to hide the blush, in so doing seeing the picture of what looked like a group at a yoga retreat, Edward off to the far left of them.

"No, but I don't doubt you tell that to every girl who confronts you about your secret identity."

"As you very well know I work part-time as a yoga instructor in one of the largest gyms in the area. One would think I'd have to do a much better job to hide who I am if I really wanted to keep it from the world."

"So that's it, you're really into … all this?" I nodded at the stack of books, all on meditation techniques and whatnot from what I could make out of their covers.

"Kind of. I know, kinda clashes with the whole DJ airhead thing, but that's part of the point. Sorry to confuse you so much."

I paused on my perusing of his bookshelf and slowly looked over my shoulder to him.

"It's okay. It's actually refreshing that you're not quite as predictable as I feared."

"Can't have that, now can we?" he mused, his smile warm but with a hint of something dark. "Now how do I reinstate that impression of yours that I'm a jerk? Ah, right. I say something stupid. Insulting. Let me think for a moment."

He crossed his arms over his chest, the motion incidentally bunching up his t-shirt so that it revealed the top of his jeans and a sliver of light skin. I swallowed thickly and did my best to keep my attention at his face, but it was getting decisively harder by the second.

"I think I have something," he interrupted my jumbled thoughts. "I'll just break with convention, that should be good enough after your two salves of accusation. Let's see, the invitation for coffee? I think it's plain I have ulterior motives there. So what I can and in fact do offer you is a beverage of your choice, either black coffee because I'm a terrible host and ran out of milk, or a glass of wine. And the idea is to serve that with a make-out session on the couch over there, advanced courses implied but not necessarily expected."

The way he was looking at me made it hard to concentrate on what he was saying, but after a few moments I finally got hold of my wits again, chiding myself for making it so easy for him to seduce me.

"Actually I would have been negatively surprising if the invitation had been for just a cup of coffee. I usually drink it black, no sugar, so that shouldn't be a problem, but I think tonight I'm going to break the habit and take that make-out session with the wine. Red, if you have some."

His smile turned a tad bit wry as he inclined his head.

"I'll be right back. Don't run away or something."

"Oh, I won't, I'm by far not done teasing you about your furniture!"

I listened to him continue to fiddle around in the kitchen as I picked up another picture, this one of him and a woman, both grinning at the camera with lights flashing in the background. It took me a moment to recognize her as Anette, only that then her hair had been longer with purple highlights. It was the only thing in the room that indicated that he indeed did something else than sit around with all that New Age crap infusing him. I really didn't know what to make of that.

Before long he was back, waiting next to the couch to join me, and I was surprised just how much my stomach knotted up as I look the glass of wine from him and sat down. There was a comfortable space between us on the plush piece of furniture, close enough to feel a little intimate but not exactly intruding into my personal space should I chose to stay at a distance. Maybe I was reading entirely too much into this, but he seemed more thoughtful than I had guessed.

Then again he probably had experience aplenty in how to charm a woman's socks off, so it was not quite unexpected that he wasn't about to blunder right into things.

"What have I done now to deserve that scowl?"

I hadn't even realized that I had been frowning, but his amused smile told me I did a very bad job of trying to hide my feelings at the moment.

"Nothing. I was just wondering how often before you've pulled that 'I'm so adorable because I'm so frank' routine."

One of his brows drew up while a lopsided grin replaced his smile, his eyes sparkling in the warm, ambient light.

"If you're thinking along those lines you will probably not believe a word I'm saying, but it's actually a novel approach. You're my test run so to say."

"And how am I doing so far as your guinea pig?"

His answering laugh seemed to caress like a soft wind across my bare arms. A little self-conscious with the way I was sitting, all straight and tensed up, I placed the wine on the table and leaned back, then re-arranged myself so that I was facing him, leaning with my elbow and lower arm on the back of the sofa.

"I'd say things are progressing at an easy, comfortable pace. Although I get the feeling that if I keep up the conversation like this you'll sooner or later just get up and leave."

"Probably," I conceded, then took a sip of wine just to disperse the slightly awkward air.

"Why a new approach then, if the old one seemed to have been working just fine?"

He shrugged, the motion inadvertently moving him a little closer to me. Smooth.

"You're not like the woman I usually, ah, date, I figured you deserved a different strategy."

It was hard to miss the backtrack in his words.

"And with date you mean fuck, right?"

At my observation he grimaced, then shrugged again.

"I guess it does. And out loud that sounds even worse than inside my head."

For a moment I considered just getting up to leave – not for the first time this evening I was asking myself why I felt myself drawn to him, seeing as he was so obviously not the kind of man I usually went for, and I didn't need to become another conquest in a seemingly endless row – but I had to admit, his honesty had its own appeal.

"But something made you break that habit? Or was that just to get me to tag along?"

"I think I just got bored with my life as it was."

"Bored with meaningless one-night stands? Now that's a surprise."

Edward chuckled under his breath, then met my gaze with intensity shining in his eyes.

"Maybe. I'm sure you always chose wisely who you hook up with. Which kind of begs the question why you're here, with me, now, doesn't it?"

I gave that some thought, but rather than continuing the snark I opted to give him the truthful answer.

"There's something about you that draws me in. I have no idea what it is. I guess part of the allure is to find out what it is. The promise of something uncomplicated that won't end in me raw and emotionally bleeding is not too bad, either."

He considered that.

"I guess so. But correct me if I'm wrong, just having sex won't help you get to the bottom of that fascination."

I still couldn't believe that I was having this conversation with someone without either turning into a brightly burning sun, or cringing away. There was definitely something about him that calmed me, and as much as his presence alone aroused me, I also felt as relaxed as seldom before.

"So what are you proposing?"

"Let me answer that starting with a question. Just what is sex to you?"

"Uhm, I don't know exactly what you mean?"

He smiled, seemingly bemused by my stutter.

"Just how does sex work for you? Why do it, how do it, what do you expect of the act itself?"

For once I was at a loss for words. He wasn't surprised by my lack of a response, and almost immediately started to answer his own questions.

"I don't doubt that sex means something different for everyone, but in the end it usually boils down to this – ten to twenty minutes of egotistical race for release. Everything happens for a reason, and that is achieving orgasm. Even when you are all attentive to your partner's needs, you do it so they get off so you in turn don't have to feel bad for reaching your own climax. I know there is love and emotions and all that involved, too, but if you're really honest, it's always about gaining satisfaction fast at the risk of utter frustration. When you don't perform as expected, you feel like you've failed your partner. You must have done something wrong that he doesn't get off, or you must not be responding the right way when you just can't reach your orgasm for whatever reason. It's about power, it's about winning, and while I don't deny the heady rush that comes with finishing, it more often than not leaves you strung out and empty. There is no intimacy about this supposedly most intimate act there is. So why even do it?"

I could kind of see his point, although I didn't necessarily agree with him.

"Just a thought, if you're trying to get into my pants by selling me this, you're not doing a good job."

"Maybe. Maybe that's not even my goal. But as far as my observation goes, can we agree that while somewhat harsh, it's essentially true?"

"I guess so, yeah."

"Now what if I could offer you an alternative to this that doesn't make you feel used and empty afterwards?"

Pursing my lips, I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Is this the moment where you tell me that you're all different and that you have a magical cock that sparkles in the sunshine and keeps shooting rainbows?"

Whatever he had expected from me, that was clearly not it, but his unrestrained laughter was quite charming.

"Now that's actually a very distressing though. And no, I don't presume that I'm that much of a Sex God, although I do know a few things that might give me an advantage." He stopped, then reached out and let his finger dance lightly over the back of my hand. "What do you know about tantric sex?"

Brief as it was, and not exactly intimate, his touch left my thoughts reeling, and he caught me off guard with his question. Racking my brain, I didn't come up with much.

"Something to do with the Kama Sutra? About reaching an enlightened state and not to forget multiple orgasms through some transient, hour long ritualistic sex act thing."

He didn't answer but his grin spoke volumes, so I just went on, averting my gaze as I shook my head.

"Something that weird forty-somethings try to sell you on late night shopping channel, their prime audience all those unsatisfied housewives who'd just need to buy a vibrator and inform their husbands that yes, indeed, if he for once in his life actually looked at her cooch he might hit the right spots, and if she's not wet enough he should use some lube, and rubbing her raw doesn't constitute sexual ecstasy. Then they see all this mumbo jumbo that turns them on, and maybe that alone will change their miserable lives, but in the end there's not much more to it than words and empty promises."

I stopped myself there, by now a little distressed by him not interrupting me once, that smile still on his lips.

"And I'm well aware that I'm making a total fool of myself here, prattling on like that when the first thing I accused you of is judging me by the insanely bad novel I was reading – but you wanted my answer, and here it is. I'm sorry if I sounded like a condescending old hag, and it wasn't my intention to belittle what is quite clearly the thing you do, as you wouldn't have thrown that term into the conversation at the point you did otherwise, but I just don't buy this shit."

"And rightly so, as shit it is," he remarked, his smile turning into a lopsided grin.

"You think so?" I asked, not even trying to hide my surprise.

"What you were referring to, yes. I even once called in to a talk show that was running along the same lines, and I think they kicked me off the line when I couldn't stop laughing at their supposed guru. Whatever it is they're trying to sell, I'm not buying it, either. But," and there he paused, his finger drawing idle circles on the back of my hand again while his light brown eyes bored into mine, "there is something else I would like to show you, what I think you will enjoy just as much as I do. You only have to suspend your snarky comebacks for a few minutes and try to be open to suggestion."

"You know that that sounds awfully like the first line of a porn flick?"

Edward laughed, but never stopped touching me, nor did his eyes move away from my face.

"Only a few minutes. And we'll keep our clothes on, promise. I'm just going to touch you while I keep talking, that's all."

I had to admit that my hand felt as if it were burning from where his finger kept up dancing over my skin, and my breath caught in my throat at the thought of how much better it would be if it wasn't just a chaste contact that should have been easy to ignore.

"Okay."

Smiling he got to his feet, extending his hand to me.

"The couch is no good place for this. Come."

"Because it's in the wrong corner of the room?" I jested, suddenly feeling the need to lighten the mood.

"Not exactly," he chuckled. "But for what I want to do you need to sit in front of me, and the only way this works on the couch is when you're sitting _on_ me. And try as I might, if I have your ass pressed against my crotch there's no way I won't start groping you, and we'll end up with a similar ten minutes thing than I was ranting about earlier. Please spare me the humiliation of proving my high and mighty ideas wrong, and just come to sit with me over here."

His words made it a lot easier to accept his hand and let him draw me to my feet and around the coffee table. At his nod I sat down on the thick, soft carpet, and was surprised when he crouched down behind instead of in front of me as I had expected.

"Do you feel comfortable sitting Indian style?"

I nodded, then tugged my legs closer to my body. I nearly jumped when I felt his hand press into my lower back, but he was only nudging me into a straighter position, until my spine was aligned properly.

"Good. Now put your hands on your knees and relax. Close your eyes and take deep, calm breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

His voice changed a little as he went on with his instructions, and I felt him re-arrange his body behind mine, until I was sitting between his spread legs. My breath hitched for a moment when his hands came own on the outside of my thighs, right behind where my own palms rested, but there was nothing sexual about the touch, except for his closeness. I could definitely understand why all those women kept flocking to his yoga lessons.

"Now concentrate on your body. The way your chest keeps expanding when you inhale, and decompresses when you let the air rush out of your lungs again. Feel how the skin on your arms is slightly cooler where it is not covered by clothing, how the muscles of your lower back are the only thing not relaxed as you need them to keep sitting upright."

I let my mind wander, trying to feel exactly what he was talking about – which worked well until he opened his mouth again.

"Are you wearing a bra?"

My eyes shot open as my sense of calmness crumbled, and I pointedly looked down at the purple and black folds of fabric that clearly did nothing to hide the fact that I wasn't.

"What do you think? And just so you know, you just messed up your whole previous effort."

He chuckled, and my pulse sped up when I felt his breath tickle the fine hairs at the back of my neck.

"I don't think so as I haven't even started yet. So close your eyes again and _feel_."

I was just about to break the mood even more with yet another witticism, but shut up as he started sliding his hands back over my thighs and up the sides of my rib cage, then on over my shoulder blades until they rested on my upper arms. There he stilled for a few seconds, then retraced the whole path until his fingers were an inch away from mine by my knees. To say that wherever he had touched me felt aflame with heat was quite the understatement.

"Relax your breathing. It doesn't help anyone if you're hyperventilating," he chided me softly, a hint of laughter in his voice – before his hands moved along the very same path again.

It was obvious that he knew what he was doing to me – making me catch my breath, igniting a strange kind of _something_ inside my stomach that was not quite arousal alone but tinged heavily with expectation, a near visceral need to move and initiate contact on my own – but instead of following any instructions my brain screamed at me, I remained sitting there as I was, and after the third passage of his palms over my sides actually attempted to calm down again. Being touched like that was weird but definitely not bad.

The next time his hands came to rest on my upper arms he let them there for only a moment, then brought then down to my wrists and back up, incidentally brushing along the side of my breast on the way. I stiffened, and he stilled with his fingers lightly touching mine.

"Unpleasant?"

"No." I was surprised to hear my voice sound so breathy and weak, instantly expecting him to make fun of that – but for once he disappointed me.

"Want me to stop?"

"No."

"Good. Just keep focusing on my touch and try to take slow, measured breaths."

Edward waited until the soft sound of air leaving my body has slowed down a little more, then he went on stroking my arms. Every time his fingers would gently brush my breasts, not even teasing, but once he moved back down to stroke my thighs, I could feel my hardened nipples rub against the thin viscose of my shirt with every breath I took.

"How do you feel now?" he asked softly, again letting his breath fan across my neck.

"Aroused," I answered truthfully, a little embarrassed but a lot less so than I had expected. I could hear his smile in his voice as he went on, his hands now pressing a little stronger into my legs.

"The essence of tantric sex is about using the sexual energy inside of us. Live in the here and now, harness what you feel rather than striving for satisfaction in a way that inevitably leads to frustration. Ideally, there's no beginning and no end to what you feel, it's a part of you and always surrounds you."

I shivered as his hands made another pass over my body, only this time it was as if his words stirred something inside of me awake that seemed to vibrate through every fiber of my being. It scared me a little how easily he could evoke such a reaction in me without actually doing much, and I was talking before I could hold myself back.

"So in effect, doesn't that leave you with massive blue balls all the time?"

He laughed huskily, and I nearly gasped when I felt his lips press a light kiss against my neck before he answered.

"Sometimes. But it's not about keeping yourself suspended in a sort of aroused limbo for indefinite times. When you feel like it, you can reach out and achieve satisfaction. Maybe I can explain a little better with a quick example."

Then his lips were back on my skin, kissing a warm line from my neck over to where my top covered my shoulder, while his hands kept stroking my thighs.

"I'm sure that when you leave here, the memory of my touch will linger in your mind, but also your body. Tomorrow morning you will wake up and feel the sheets rub softly against your skin, just like you feel my hands through your clothes now. You will get up, and when you shower, your hands will inevitably re-trace the paths my palms have traveled. Without even pleasuring yourself you will feel that same sensual heat spread through your body, you will feel good, relaxed, and aroused. Maybe you decide then that you want more, and while one of your hands keeps caressing your skin almost innocently, the other will find its way to your sex. You will come fast because you're already keyed up, and it will be a sweet release that feels like the cresting of the waves in the ocean that is the sensuality you feel. Your climax will ebb away, but when you towel yourself dry, when you dress again, you will still feel the heat linger, and whatever you touch, even the softest gust of wind caressing your skin will further that feeling. Whenever you have a moment of time you can spend without focusing on anything else, you will tap into that energy again, even if you don't spend the whole day giving yourself one orgasm after the other. Do you think you will be frustrated? Or rather pleasantly content?"

His tongue joined his lips then, playing along the soft side of my neck, and drew a low moan from me in response.

"Content."

Uttering just the single word was hard, and not losing myself in the moment got even harder when I felt him move closer still until my upper back was resting against his chest. Edward's hands strayed from my thighs then until he had his arms wrapped lightly around my middle, hugging me closer to him while his lips traveled up to my ear, then along my jaw as I turned my head towards his. Quite frankly, I had never felt even remotely like this, and I still had my clothes on. It was insane, but I didn't feel like protesting, at all.

Twisting in his light grasp I finally managed to press my lips against his, and I couldn't keep from smiling when I more felt than heard a light sound rumble through him. The kiss was nearly chaste, barely more than a brush of lips, but it left me tingling all over.

I opened my eyes then, finding his darkened with lust but sparkling with amusement.

"Are you still disappointed that I didn't just bend you over the couch and fuck you into oblivion? I mean I can still do that if you want to, but as it is, I'm rather enjoying myself here."

I felt seriously at a disadvantage having to rally my wits just then, the warmth of his hands at my sides making that a veritable feat.

"I wasn't disappointed, just surprised. And I still don't quite get why you feel like making a difference with me. Not that I'm complaining, but you know, my romance novel infused mind is trying to discern whether I should be offended or something is wrong with me because you're breaking your habit."

"I must be doing something wrong if you can still snark back that much at me," he mused, then drew his arms back until both of his palms were resting on my belly, causing my stomach to do somersaults.

"No, trust me, it's just a reflex, I think all the wires between my body and my brain got short-circuited when -"

I didn't really mind when he silenced me by kissing me again, this time with more fervor and tongue, but I still let out a muffled grunt. His body shook with silent laughter for a moment, then he stilled and drew back from me again.

"So you want to explore this with me? Let me show you just what you've been missing all the time and how great blue balls can feel?"

It was hard to even consider declining, but as much as my whole body was screaming for me to just shut up, I couldn't ignore the nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

"I saw how the women at the club were staring at you. You could have had any one of them that you want, and I'm sure they'd be happy to tag along for this, too. Why me? What's so special about me? I'm not even sure you really like me."

I half expected him to be hurt at my accusation, but he shrugged, the motion rocking my body into his again in a way that made it quite clear that he was indeed happy to have me that close to him.

"Honestly? I don't know. But I do like you, although 'like' isn't the word I would have used. I feel drawn to you, and although you're an incredibly hard person to be nice to, it's been a very long time since I felt that good about another person's company. Maybe I could have had a ton of those girls tonight, but you're the only one I considered taking home. The only one in ages, to be true. I just want to spend more time with you, if you wish, and I want to touch you. Kiss you. Learn all the different ways I can make you feel good. Is that so bad?"

"No, it isn't. I just-" casting around for words, I sighed with frustration as I came up blank. "I don't know if I quite believe what you keep going on about."

"Then don't. Ignore what I say, just listen to what you feel, to what your body tells you."

"Right now my body tells me to shut the fuck up and stop cockblocking myself."

His smile turned dark at that.

"You should definitely listen to your body then. Now, where was I? Ah, right, I was just thinking about how I should work more on convincing you."

True to his words, he did.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**EPOV**

Waking up in the morning was … different. I couldn't say why, but for some reason it just didn't feel like the daily grind of forcing myself to vacate my sheets hours before my body felt ready to, and even the prospect of spending another twenty hours or so away from the warm allure of my bed didn't bother me.

It took me a while to realize just what the reason for the seemingly random smiles that kept creeping onto my face was – I could still smell her on me. Not like the tangent odor that sweat and sex left all over one's body, but when I held yesterday's t-shirt to my nose that I hadn't bothered to change out of before falling into bed, I could still catch a whiff of something that was clearly her unique scent. It also clung to my hands, and for a moment I even debated not showering before heading over to the gym. Then I realized I didn't want her associated with that crowd, and quickly hopped into the shower.

Strictly speaking, we hadn't really done much – I couldn't even remember the last time that I had had female company over and not gotten any, but to be honest, I really didn't mind. Sure, as I thought of the way her body had melted under my touch, how my kisses and soft caresses had made her moan and sigh softly I got hard instantly, but it wasn't the quick rush I had for so long associated with sexual satisfaction. Thinking of her in just that way nearly felt as if I were defiling her. Already she was so much more, and somehow that even scared me a little.

I went through my day partly lost in thoughts, both remembering last night and trying to plan ahead for when we would meet again. I really didn't want to rush things although my cock kept screaming at me to stop being such a fucking pansy, but she simply _deserved_ more.

All through my morning yoga class I was a little distracted, probably paying less attention to what my instructees were doing than I should have, but that also meant I didn't feel like shouting at them for deliberately messing up some of the positions. For once the tranquility I projected outward was matched on the inside. At least until I inevitably wondered if Bella could bend over like that and how I might put such flexibility to use, which caused my inner calm to evaporate instantly.

That still left me relieved when I could finally flee my adoring harem at the gym, and exchange their subtle and not so subtle tries at getting into my pants for Emmett's raucous company. As I walked through the back exit into the club I found him and Anette sitting at the bar, sharing a bottle of tequila between them. Checking my watch, I inwardly shook my head but put on a brave smile nevertheless.

"And like the sunshine he appears when you talk about him, the man of the hour!"

Ignoring Em for the moment, I hugged Anette before slapping the loud club owner on his back.

"I'm sure you've only got the worst stories to tell. Nette, you better not believe a word he's saying!"

Contrary to the snarky reply I had expected, Anette remained serious, taxing me with an intense look.

"You know, Emmett here told me a few things that absolutely don't fit to the crazy guy I toured with for years. Clean, mostly sober and a fucking yoga instructor? What the hell's wrong with you?"

I shrugged, then angled behind the bar for a bottle of water.

"Got tired of feeling like shit every time I woke up from the stupor again. And pardon me saying this, you don't look too bad yourself, certainly not as if you partied hard into the morning and popped more pills than go over the typical pharmacy's counter on a busy day."

"At least you still stick to your habit with the ladies. Don't even try to deny you didn't leave with that sweet piece of ass yesterday," Em interjected.

"Some things never change," Nette mumbled, then took a shot of tequila. I squinted at her for a moment, trying to decide what exactly her glum tone tried to tell me, but as usual came up blank.

"Sorry to disappoint you both, but I actually didn't fuck her. Happy?"

I couldn't say why I was so damn defensive all of a sudden – I knew very well what they both thought about my previous habits, and I had to agree, it didn't exactly put me into the best of lights. Still, Em should have known better by then.

"What, you actually took her home with you for just a drink or two?"

I felt like rolling my eyes at Em's scandalized face.

"No, of course not. But I kept my dick in my pants. Not that it's any of your business."

He and Anette shared a long look, and it was she who spoke up next.

"Seriously? I admit, she looked more like a brainy girl than you usually go for, and you seemed to have a great time hanging out, but that's so not like you. What happened to your rule?"

"Not breaking any rule as long as I don't fuck her, right? And she's different."

My answer didn't seem to alleviate her disgust or whatever it was that kept lurking in her eyes. Yet before any of them could answer, my phone went off, and I was only too happy to use that as an excuse to step away and turn my back on them.

To my surprise, it was Bella calling me.

Staring at the display a little too long I finally picked up, feeling a smile light up my face even before I heard her voice.

"Hey you." Not the smartest line, but I figured she would rip me a new one if I called her babe or something like that.

"Hey. I hope I'm not interrupting something? Ah, I mean, I hope you're not busy?" A pointed pause, then I heard something bump in the background as if she had hit something. Her voice changed then, becoming slightly frustrated. "Apparently I'm incapable of normal speech without innuendo today. Sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for if you ask me," I tried to be suave, but at her grunt aimed to keep my usual charm in check. It was oddly amusing how she never reacted quite the way I was used to.

"What I meant to say is, no, you're not interrupting anything, neither work related or otherwise. But you calling is a very welcome distraction."

"It is? Huh." A moment of silence, then her voice dipped a little lower, becoming husky while the words were rushed. "I just thought I'd call to, you know, ask if you've already made plans for tonight? I know we said we'd call each other next week but … do you wanna hang out or something?"

I didn't know how to reply – I didn't have any plans, only a vague idea of maybe spending some time with Nette to catch up – and it had been a long time since I had had that kind of conversation, on the phone or otherwise. To say I was at a loss for how to reply was an understatement.

For once acting like I was used to from women throughout my life, my momentary silence was taken for an answer in itself before I could find the right words to express the sudden yearning I felt tugging at my chest.

"Or not, I know, Saturday night and all that. Okay, before this gets even more awkward I'll just try to forget I ever called, and maybe you could do the same?"

"Uh, wanna come over for dinner? I could cook something," I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind, only to be met with a long stretch of silence in turn.

"Is that a euphemism for something I just don't get? Or did you just actually ask me to come over for a cook-in?"

I had no idea why she sounded so suspicious – some days I just didn't get women.

"I guess I did? Something wrong with that?"

"No, it's just unexpected." Another pause. "Do you know how to cook? You didn't even have cream in your fridge yesterday."

"That's because I don't drink coffee at home very often. And I heard somewhere there's this marvelous invention, it's called a supermarket, they actually store so much food that they sell it to you round the clock!"

My attempt at a witty comeback was met with a chuckle, the sound causing my smile to grow wider from just hearing it.

"Okay, I get it. Shall I bring something over? But I have to warn you, I've been known to burn water, so it better be something I can buy, as it is, in one of these supermarkets, as you called them."

"No, just bring yourself and a healthy appetite. I'd rather have you for dessert anyway."

Hearing her breath catch even over the line was most satisfying.

"Okay. I guess I can do that. So when shall I be over?"

"Eight maybe?"

"Good. See you then!"

"See ya!"

A moment of pointed silence fell before I heard her disconnect. I wondered if I should have added some kind of endearment after all, but it didn't feel right. I could think of a few but most of them sounded either too cheesy, or like I should judge her reaction to them face to face. And very likely I was reading way too much into this conversation.

Turning back to my friends, I was met with twin looks of incredulity and doubt on their faces.

"I can't believe that just happened," Em admitted.

"It's like in 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' – I swear I have no idea who that is, but it's for sure not the jerk who gets annoyed if a girl stays over long enough to shower afterwards."

"Ha, ha, very funny, both of you. As if it's that out of this world that for once I want to spend some time with a woman who's actually really interesting."

"Are you gay? You know I don't judge, but dude, that's -"

"Why do people keep asking me this?"

Nette shrugged, hiding her smile behind her shot glass.

"Let's just say it's more plausible than you being all pussy whipped by a pussy you haven't actually gotten close enough to get whipped by. Not that change doesn't become you, but, you know, it does need some getting used to."

Em held his tongue, but I could see that he clearly had an opinion on that topic, and it wasn't one I would like. Not that I cared that much about what he had to say – I was well aware of the fact that Em judged the prowess of any guy in his vicinity by the number of girls he could screw in one evening. The fact that he still hadn't caught on that I wasn't 'that guy' any longer didn't make me value his opinion any more than I already did.

Nette thankfully got the hint that I didn't feel like letting them make fun of me anymore and changed the topic, apparently picking up where she had left off when I had joined them. We did have a lot to catch up to, not having seen each other in ages, and before I knew it, I had to say my good-byes to actually be ready for my dinner date.

As I perused the aisles at the 7/11 around the corner from my condo I decided to go for Chicken Marsala – she didn't look like the vegetarian type to me, and almost everyone I knew loved that dish – and buffalo mozzarella and tomatoes for salad. They sadly didn't have the strawberries I had been hoping for, but I figured grapes would do just as well for dessert.

Back at home I put everything into the fridge, deciding not to prepare anything as it would be more fun to do that with Bella at my side. After the third shower of the day I checked my watch, happy to see that in less than twenty minutes she would be here. And surprisingly enough, that thought left me with a weird feeling of anxiety, something I had never before felt because of a woman I was … dating.

For a moment that realization scared me. Me, dating? Even a day ago I would have laughed at the thought, but I couldn't deny that I liked the sound of it. Me dating Bella. It certainly had a novel ring to it.

Still mulling over my epiphany I hopped into my favorite pair of washed-out jeans and a charcoal button-down shirt, but left it unbuttoned at the collar and rolled up the sleeves. It felt weird to put even a slightly formal touch to my wardrobe when I didn't intend to leave the house, but the ladies loved thoughtful things like that. Which in turn nearly got me to strip and change into sweatpants and an old t-shirt as I was sure Bella would either frown or laugh me in the face at my attempt at chivalry, but then decided I needed to stop this right here. I was already dangerously close to turning into a complete pussy, and the shirt at least made me look a little less like a drug doing jerk she still seemed to expect me to turn into.

Way before I was ready the doorbell rang, signaling the end of my rambling thoughts, not necessarily a bad thing. I felt my pulse pick up as I waited for her to come up the stairs, the flutter in my stomach decidedly stronger now. Chiding myself for being such a wuss I breathed in deeply, then held the air in my lungs until I caught a first glimpse at her in the stairwell. She was wearing tan pants and a gray-brown top with those oversized lose arms I normally thought of as ridiculous, but it suited her – in particular the way it hugged in all the right places, accentuating her body in a most delicious subtle way. She seemed lightly flushed as she stepped into the hallway, and I grinned when she adjusted the seat of her bra by grabbing her tits and squishing them together, clearly oblivious of my presence. I quickly ducked back inside to prevent our evening to start with her slapping me in the face.

A few seconds later Bella appeared at my door, one of those small but real smiles on her face. I nearly betrayed my unintentional spying by letting my eyes drift south of her chin for a moment, but she didn't seem to realize my near faux-pas. In fact, she looked a little nervous as she remained standing on the threshold, as if she didn't know how to proceed.

"Hi!"

Her voice was a little too high and strained, and before I could answer, she thrust a bottle of white wine at me.

"Here, uhm, I didn't know what else to bring, and didn't want to come over with empty hands. Obviously it won't fit to whatever you're cooking, but maybe we can drink it later, or another time?"

"Sure. Thank you."

I took the bottle from her, only to trip right into the next awkward moment when neither of us seemed to know what to do now.

"Great that you're here, don't you want to come inside?"

She smiled at my hedged suggestion, then stepped into my condo, leaving her shoes at the door. As our eyes met again I could see her hesitate, and decided that I somehow had to end this – whatever it was – before it grew into a real problem.

"Come here," I told her in a low voice, then drew her close to me with one hand on her hip, the other lightly toughing her cheek. Her eyes widened for a moment, then fluttered closed as my lips brushed against hers in a sweet, soft kiss that quickly grew deeper as she moaned and I couldn't resist pushing my tongue into her mouth. Tension leaked out of her body, and when I moved my head back far enough to see her whole face again, her smile had grown considerably.

I had a definite feeling that tonight would be a great evening.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**EPOV**

"Frak me, that's so delicious!"

Raising my brow, I grinned as I watched her close her eyes and moan around the spoon.

"Frak?" I echoed, trying but failing to hide a grin.

Her eyes snapped open, and she sent me one of those adorable warning glares.

"It's a geek thing, as you so pointedly said before. I think you still get the meaning."

Of course I did, but I didn't think it would have been a good thing to confess that I loved making her angry if it meant her looking as cute as she did just then.

"So you like the sauce? Spicy enough?"

"Uh, I guess? I mean you're the cook here, you have to know that!"

Rolling my eyes, I reached around her to reduce the heat on the pan the mushrooms were sautéing in, then fed her a spoon full of them, too.

"Good?"

"Awesome!" she mumbled around the mouthful, grinning again. Smiling back at her I checked the chicken, then turned to the rest of the ingredients sitting next to the sink.

"Can you keep an eye on the mushrooms and the sauce while I prepare the salad?"

"Only if you keep feeding me bits and pieces to keep me happy," she huffed, then poked the mushrooms with the spoon rather than stirring them.

Diverting my attention to the chopping block, I quickly cut the imported buffalo mozzarella and tomatoes into slices, then arranged most on two dishes. Bella kept eyeing me, and after a moment of hesitation I decided to forgo any further cutlery. Putting a slice of mozzarella onto an end piece of tomato I held it to her lips.

"Here you go."

She tried to take a bite but that inevitably caused the food to slip, so she hastily opened her mouth further and closed it around everything, my fingers included. I felt my cock inadvertently react to the sensation of her teeth and lips on my skin, and the pinkish hue on her cheeks told me the analogy wasn't lost on her, either. On the other hand, her subsequent rather loud chewing did its own to disband my horniness at least in part, and I chose to coarsely cut the fresh basil instead of teasing her.

"Do you do that a lot?"

"What, seduce perky girls with morsels of food? No, not really."

She snorted, hiding a grin behind her wine glass.

"No, I meant cook. But thank you for answering that question, too."

I shrugged, then stole a piece of tomato for myself.

"Not really, I hate cooking for just myself and I don't have anyone to keep me company over."

A hint of a frown appeared on her forehead, but she never stopped smiling.

"Such a waste, really. Because this is all really so tasty!"

Gently bumping her out of the way with my hip I took her place in front of the oven again, checking the pans. She dutifully stepped to the side, watching me for a while before she put her glass away and hopped onto the counter next to the cooking area.

"I hope I'm really not imposing on you by more or less inviting myself over tonight? You must have had plans, this being Saturday and all that."

"Not really. I don't lead a Monday to Friday work week life, so I don't have a conventional weekend."

"What about your friends?"

I shrugged, then offered her a piece of chicken. She gingerly blew on it before taking it off the fork with her teeth, her subsequent moan another delectable sound I longed to hear a lot more. The sauce wasn't quite ready yet so I turned back to Bella, stepping between her legs, gently rubbing my hands up her thighs. Her eyes widened a little but she didn't comment on me invading her private space, and certainly didn't protest when I kissed her.

"Trust me, spending the evening with you was a much more appealing prospect."

Bella cocked her head to the side, then picked up the wine glass and took another sip, not quite accidentally squeezing her knees into my hips.

"I just don't quite see why you want to hang out with me. It's not like I exactly fit into your life, or that we share so many interests."

"You don't know that," I teased her, taking the glass from her hand to sip myself. "But I'm dying to find out more about you."

"Oh you're just saying that to get into my pants!" she accused.

"Maybe," I griped back, but staunched her angry protest with my lips on hers. She tried to pull her head away but I stopped her short by sliding my tongue slowly against hers, coaxing her to deepen the kiss. Her defense crumbled before long, and she let my pull her closer to me without any further interjection.

"I might have some ulterior motives there," I admitted, staring into her deep, brown eyes. "If that had been my sole interest in you, I'd have done that yesterday already. And while I'd love to ravish you right here, the meal's ready and we should postpone that for a while."

She rolled her eyes at me but seemed pacified for the moment, but even before we were done with the mozzarella and tomatoes, she picked the conversation thread up again, toying around with a leaf of basil on her plate.

"And just what is it that you see in me? You kind of ducked that question."

I tried to decide whether I should keep teasing her, but then realized that she was looking a little too serious for letting me get away with that again.

"I find you fascinating. Interesting. You're like no other woman I've ever had the joy of talking to."

"Is that a compliment? Because I don't know if I want it to be."

Laughing, I reached over and idly drew a line across the back of her hand, and just like yesterday that got her throat moving in a few successive swallows. I just loved drawing reactions from her with such simple gestures.

"It's a fact. You're just different, and in a way I want to know better."

"Maybe that's because you normally go for other things in women than their brains?"

"Probably," I conceded, making her snort. "But change isn't always a bad thing."

She nodded, then withdrew her hand from under mine so she could finish her salad.

"Why now, though?"

"I don't know."

"At least you're honest," she surmised, then nodded at my wall of literature. "Goes hand in hand with the whole New Age thing? Leave the skanks for a wholesome girl?"

"I wouldn't exactly call you wholesome. And it's not New Age crap, all of those books are theories on believe systems and meditation. Not the 'dummies' version of it, either. No easy two-line instructions. You can see for yourself, if you don't think me capable of reading something like that."

She looked a little aghast, but caught herself momentarily.

"I didn't mean to imply that. You just don't seem like someone who would study dry theory. And I have to admit that part actually puzzles me. Doesn't quite fit in with the rest."

"With rest you mean the manwhore part, I presume?"

"You haven't exactly made a secret out of it. And don't think it's not something to give me a headache over. I mean you're so not the type of man I usually fall for."

"And which would that be? The trustworthy one?"

"The not superficial one."

Although it was clearly meant as an insult, her words still made me laugh.

"Oh, you wound me! And again you're so quick to pass judgment onto me!"

"Am I wrong?"

"Not entirely, no."

Silence fell for a moment, not exactly comfortable, and I picked up our dishes to bring them into the kitchen. When I returned with the chicken, Bella looked ready to bolt, but when she saw me still smiling she relaxed again.

"Sorry. I didn't want to sound so high and mighty. Blame my not so latent insecurity for it, I guess."

"Not that you have any reason for it. And after all, if you don't aim to impress the superficial folks, why care what they think about you anyway?"

She shrugged, but I could see that my answer hadn't been the one she had been hoping for.

"I guess I eventually grew tired of all that superficiality. And I don't mean now, but three years ago. Maybe even before that, but that was when I acted on it. Changed my life. I figured there must be something else than what I'd been doing for years. Sex without intimacy, feelings, just a physical act of release that was less and less rewarding each time. Of course that took a while for me to adjust, but I can't say I regret making that decision."

"So that's how you started with meditation and yoga and all that?"

I nodded, momentarily transfixed as I watched her nibble on a piece of chicken.

"My options were going to rehab or taking a time-out. I figured I couldn't really change my way of living surrounded by bored pseudo important women who would just love to take their minds off their withdrawal by indulging in just the kind of behavior I tried to get rid off, so I decided to go to a meditation retreat instead."

Stopping, I grinned at the memory.

"I still screwed around with the pretty yoga instructor, but she _did_ open my eyes to other things. I realized I wouldn't manage to change if I kept partying hard every night, with temptation surrounding me. So I quit, took a few courses, got the position at the gym. Now I only work as a DJ a few days a month, and mostly as favors to my friends. A new life, so to say."

"And seven months and twenty-four days of blue balls," she interjected, grinning around her fork.

"Ah, yes, that too."

Bella paused for a moment, then fixed me with an unusually intense look.

"And do you intend to change anything about that in the near future?"

"We'll see," I replied, holding her gaze steadily. "But I don't intend to rush things, if you mean that."

"I figured as much from our conversation yesterday. It's just that ..." she trailed off, then looked away. "Forget I said anything. Just some stupid thoughts."

"If they have you that anxious, they can't be stupid."

She grumbled something under her breath, then resumed eating.

"It's just that my friend Rose, you know, the blond that so succinctly brushed off your friend's attempt to get her number? She told me I was quite naïve if I really believed all the crap you were trying to feed me. Not that I'm sharing her opinion, but, you know, you can't deny that it's weird that after quite the history of one-night stands you make such an exception with me."

I hated that during her little speech she set her fork and knife down on her finished plate and avoided my eyes, that in itself belying her words. I didn't know what to say, so I chose to let my actions speak. She yelped in surprise when I drew her to her feet, half sitting her onto the table while my lips claimed her, eager to feel her entire body pressed against mine.

"Trust me, Bella, when I tell you that I want you, I do so with every fiber of my being. And not just your body, but _you_, as you are, the whole package deal. I would love to rip your clothes from your body and have you right here, on this table, no holding back. But I can't do it, because that would negate everything else. For the first time in what feels like forever I'm actually enjoying a woman's company. I love listening to you talk, and even more how unconventional our conversations turn out most of the time. I want you, but I want all of you. I feel like there's something special between us, and I won't jeopardize losing that over a few hours of mindless passion."

Her eyes had grown larger as she kept listening to me ramble, but the look of doubt remained in them.

"Why me? I know I already asked you that, but why me?"

"Why not you? You're smart and funny, you're not afraid to speak your mind, what's not to like about you?"

"Most men find that actually off-putting rather than appealing."

"Then fuck them! I don't care what they say, and honestly, they're just missing out."

Now a smile was tugging at the corner of her mouth, and I quickly leaned in to kiss her again to make it grow.

"I like you, Bella. And I want to get to know you better, really, I do. But that doesn't mean I don't want to discover every inch of your body. I just want to take my time, if you'll let me."

"Just when did our roles get all reversed? Me all wanton slut and you the thoughtful gentleman who's biding his time?"

I laughed, then stepped away so she could slide off the table. I left her only for a minute or two, getting the grapes and the rest of the bottle of wine. I found her once again perusing my bookshelf, this time apparently paying more attention to the titles.

"Don't believe me?"

"Oh I do, I just wanted to see just what spiritual theories you've been reading up on that turned your interest to this tantric sex thing."

Smiling a little wryly, I gestured for her to come over, and when she wanted to sit down beside me, I drew her down onto my lap instead. A moment of rearranging and I had her straddle my legs, the grapes all but forgotten.

"Actually I don't follow one single belief system, but instead borrow theories from a few that to me work the most. Some people believe that many of those contradict themselves - like yoga is suppression with awareness; tantra is indulgence with awareness – but I'm not in it for the theological discourse. I'm looking for something that gives me a purpose – and I don't believe in absolute truths."

"Still looking?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I don't think that journey will have an end, ever. I don't think it's meant to have one. Only new experiences."

She looked a little doubtful, but less so than before.

"I guess if it helps you that's a good thing."

Smiling, I let my hands drift up her back, then down to the hem of her shirt and underneath it. Bella shuddered when she felt my hands on her bare skin, her lids drooping closed.

"And I have to admit, that reluctance of yours to get it all over with fast has it's benefits, too."

I shared her smile, although with her eyes no longer open I had a good excuse to instead ogle her breasts right in front of my face, but I tried to behave myself and not ruin the moment. Letting go of her for now, I plucked a grape from the stem and held it to her lips. A light frown appeared on her forehead but then she let me feed her, the sound of her teeth sinking into the grape loud.

"Hmm, so good," she moaned, but her eyes remained closed. I kept feeding her more for a while, but then returned to stroking her back.

"I think you're overdressed."

Now her lids fluttered open, and she looked down at me with something close to apprehension, although the way her body kept melting against mine told me it wasn't my touch that made her shy away from me.

"Something wrong?"

"No, of course not, it's just … I'm not wearing the most flattering bra. After yesterday I didn't expect you to see it, you know?"

I felt like snorting, but wisely kept my mouth shut. Instead I continued to stroke her lower back, rubbing circles with my thumbs over her hips.

"Let me be the judge of that?"

My words only seemed to further her resentment, but she didn't protest when I started to push her top up her torso until she grabbed the hem and yanked it off. I had to admit, the tan colored push-up bra she was wearing wasn't exactly designed to be alluring, but I didn't intend for her to be wearing it for much longer anyway. Her cheeks heated up when she felt me tug on the back clasp of her bra, but at least she didn't bring her hands up to cover her bare breasts when I finally got it open and slid if away from her body.

Bella's eyes remained fixed on my face, and I could tell that she was searching for signs of displeasure there. I tried to keep my hands as still as I could on her hips, while I caught her gaze and held it.

"You're beautiful. There is no need for you to hide your body from me."

A ghost of a smile flitted across her face, but she remained oddly serious.

"Guess not quite what you're used to, huh?"

I didn't know what to reply – that I was so sick of those balloon like fake tits that _any_ kind of natural breasts was very welcome to me? That certainly didn't do her justice. Like any other guy even remotely interested in women I liked looking at and touching boobs, but I didn't need them to be larger than what could fit into my hands. And considering her small, lithe body, larger breasts would have ridiculously unbalanced the overall look – but as she was, she was perfect.

Instead of stuttering a probably insufficient answer that in her case might have been met with scorn even, I leaned in, pressing my lips lightly against her clavicle. She shivered and turned her head to the side, baring her throat to me, and I gladly followed the invitation – while I let my hands slowly roam up from her hips to her rib cage, and on to her chest. Bella gave a partly choked sounds when my fingers idly traced the outline of her aureoles before rubbing over her nipples – before I moved my palms back down to her hips, feeling her body tense and relax in turn as if she didn't know quite what to follow, her instinct to hold her breath or my instructions from the previous evening.

Her breath came in audible whooshes of air now as I went on to rub her back, while I slowly kissed my way from her neck down the valley between her breasts. When I caught one of her puckered, light brown nipples in my mouth and flicked my tongue over the tip she sighed, her hands coming down on my shoulders, but she didn't even attempt to stop me. A little teasing from my side and she started to arch her back, moving closer to me.

I let my attention stray from there, not paying too much attention anymore to what I was doing but focused entirely on her reactions. What she seemed to like, what not, what caused her pulse to spike, what got me rewarded with one of those little moans. Before long she stopped being so passive, this time demanding that she could touch me just like I could touch her, and of course I didn't deny her that. Her fingers still shook a little as she busied herself unbuttoning my shirt, but once her hot lips placed trails of sweet kisses over my chest, neck and face she became as sure as she was when it came to talking. I had to admit, I nearly preferred this kind of exchange, but only if she was being nice. I still liked her snarky comments best.

The evening went on like this, with us on the couch, exploring each other as much as satisfying our own curiosity. A few times I was tempted to pick up the pace, but as horny as I might have been, I still felt it would be more rewarding if I didn't rush into things. And as she didn't protest I didn't feel like I was doing a bad job at it.

In the end she stayed until four in the morning, and we spent a lot of those hours talking, too, though always retaining at least a minimum of physical contact. When she finally dressed and left it was as if something was missing from my life, but that thought only made me laugh. I'd just known her for a couple weeks now, and barely spoken more than a few words with her before this weekend, how could she have become such a permanent fixture in my life so fast?


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**BPOV**

Isn't it funny how time just creeps along when you're unhappy, but when everything is going well it flies?

At least that about summed up the last few weeks of my life. Happy and fast.

Edward and I spent an increasing amount of time together. Either we met somewhere to spend the evening out, or at each other's homes, but I saw him at least four times a week. We didn't waste all the time kissing and touching, but by the end of what I considered our first week together I actually started to physically miss him when he wasn't around. His touch had become my own brand on heroin, it seemed. And I so didn't mind being addicted.

Most of the time we actually spent talking. I was surprised to find out that once I could overcome my own prejudice, he was actually a nice guy, and able to hold a conversation for longer than five minutes easily. And as much as I might get in his face over it, I kind of liked his usual teasing – particularly if he tried to make it up to me again with slow, sweet kisses.

I also got the chance to know some of his friends a little better, mainly Anette and Emmett, so it came as a surprise to me when I browsed my newsletters one morning and found her face smiling from the screen at a promo article for a local club – and I was sure Edward hadn't told me anything about it. I even double-checked the picture, but there was no way to mistake her – her short, platinum blond hair and the vivid eyes in her expressive face – plus her DJ name A-Net – didn't leave much open for interpretation. For a moment I was hurt, immediately jumping to conclusions that he must have kept any plans from me to go to that gig of hers without me, but then I realized that it was scheduled on a day we already had made plans for, and it wasn't like him to stand me up with less than a day's notice.

Deciding to give him a chance to explain, I picked up the phone. It was early for him, but he still picked up on the third ring.

"Morning, babe. What can I do you for?"

I chuckled, more at his sleepy voice than his words.

"Did you check caller ID? Might want to change your standard pick-up line once in a while."

"Nah, knew it was you. I figured your doubtlessly scathing remark would help wake me up, but then again it's early and I cannot guarantee that my brain and humor work already."

Smiling, I wished I could be there to look into his face, and maybe kiss his sleepiness away.

"It's okay. Sorry I woke you up at the ass-crack of dawn -" it was only 7:30, "but I just read an article that Anette is working at this new club tomorrow night, and ..."

I didn't know what to say so I left it at that, hoping he would get the hint. Sometimes he was incredibly observant, just as if he were able to read my mind, but at other times he could be just as dense as any other guy I'd ever had the joy of dealing with.

"Yeah, I know."

Not quite the answer I had been hoping for.

"And?"

"And what?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't intend to go there, didn't think it would interest you."

Silence fell and I tried to make up my mind how to take in this tidbit of information.

"Why won't you go there? She's your friend."

"And?"

It was probably really too early for him to provide more than monosyllabic answers. Then again, he didn't sound sleepy right now, but wary.

"I thought you would, you know, come as moral support?"

"Nette's a big girl, I'm sure she can handle this without me. Plus, we have plans."

Plans he had made the day before, asking me out to see a movie. Come to think of it, he had seemed a little distracted when he had asked me, and immensely relieved when I had accepted.

"Is there any reason you're avoiding this? Going to that club, I mean."

More silence, then a low sigh.

"Maybe, but it's not what you think."

"You know that actually sounds worse than what I was thinking. Spill."

I could hear something in the background, probably his fridge opening, then he was on again.

"Okay, please don't get this the wrong way, because this has nothing to do with you. Per se."

"Digging a hole here, buddy, just saying."

"I … I know." Another sigh. "Look, Nette told me earlier this week, asked me if I would come with her. We both know the owner from way back, good old times, but that's not my life anymore. I wished her a lot of fun but declined, and she understands why I did it. I didn't tell you because I didn't think that would be your thing, and anyway, if I show up there things would be … different than you're used to."

Again I wished to have this conversation face to face, for one thing so I could see his eyes and what was lurking in there, and for another so I could slap some sense into him.

"And what exactly does that mean?"

"Bella, please cut this passive-aggressive shit, it's way too early for it."

I blinked, feeling anger well up inside of me, but then tried to ignore it. We were so not having our first fight over the phone.

"I wasn't trying to be passive-aggressive, but if you're that ashamed of me that you can't even take me out where any of your friends could see us -"

"Fuck, Bella, can you maybe for once in your life not indulge that stereotypical insecurity shit?"

Now I was really hurt, and my pointed silence seemed to speak louder than words for once.

"Shit, sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just -"

"It's just what, Edward?" I bit back.

"It's really not about you. It's about me," he repeated, his voice now soft and strangely defeated.

"That doesn't make any more sense the second time around, you know?"

"I know," he conceded, then I heard the telltale sounds of him drinking something. Probably one of his juices. The guy was _hooked_ on juice, it was ridiculous.

"Okay, listen. But don't get mad at me, because I wanted to keep this from you because I already know you'll be fed up if I tell you this."

"As it is, not telling me is doing the same trick already."

He paused again, and I wondered if he was just rubbing his tired eyes or cursing himself for ever hooking up with me.

"You know that Nette and I have been a team for years, toured the clubs, even produced a few mixes together. Now if I show up there, people will assume I'll mix a few songs with her, just like good old times."

I waited for him to go on, but he didn't.

"And what's so bad about that? It's not like you don't do the same at _Afterlife_ at least once a week."

"It's not just that part of my old life that they will assume I'm happy to pick up again."

"Oh." Oh indeed. Now his fidgeting started to make sense. And I didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

"So you don't want to go there with me so I don't have to watch you getting swarmed by your old groupies, and you also don't want to go there without me because you think I will consequently presume you did let some of them get a little too close to you."

Not a question, but a statement. Edward's silence in return was as good as any answer he could have provided, but I was a little surprised when he spoke up nevertheless.

"Yes, but that's not all of it."

"There's more?"

"Please, can you for once not be so obnoxiously into dragging everything out of me with your false show of naivité? We both know what I mean."

"Actually I really don't."

My flat tone belied my words, and I was about to try to take them back, but this time he was quick to interrupt me.

"Okay, then let me spell it out for you. I'm a guy. I know I'm weak when it comes to cute girls thrusting their admiring smiles and full tits into my face. I don't want to be that kind of guy so I try to stay the fuck away from temptation. So even if I'd never met you I wouldn't necessarily go there tomorrow. But you know what could make all of this so much worse? You standing on the side-lines, alternately gloating and casting hurt puppy dog eyes at me while the skanks try to hit on me. And before you get in my face for being so fucking simple, I'm just being realistic. Got anything to say to that?"

"Sheesh, when did you get so defensive?"

"I'm not -" He trailed off there, sounding perplexed. "This is it? All you have to say to that?"

I considered for a moment.

"No, actually I could rant at those bitches for hours, but I think we've been through that. But, you know, I've seen you work at Em's club, and it wasn't so bad. Why should it be any worse when you're helping Anette? And it's not like I'm your girlfriend or something."

Shit. I really hadn't intended to let that slip out, even less so with the slightly whiny note to my voice, but the damage was done. The urge to hit my head against the next available hard surface was growing strong, and his muteness didn't help, either.

"Look, forget I said anything. I was just wondering if you'd missed her gig. Talk to you later, okay?" I tried to backtrack, but this time he didn't let it slide.

"I didn't realize that's bothering you so much."

"That you don't want to life your old life any longer? That's your decision entirely," I tried to evade, but of course he didn't let me.

"You know that's not what I was talking about."

"I know." A deep inhale, and I went on. "And it's not bothering me. It was a silly thought. You know, like in high school, let's hold hands so everyone knows we're an item and the skanks have to stay away from you just because I'm sitting next to you at the lunch table."

"I was a loner in high school. No one ever bothered to sit next to me. Only changed in college."

For some reason I felt like that admission, as insignificant as it seemed to be now, was a big deal. I tried to remember what else from before he started his life of debauchery he had told me, but came up virtually blank. No siblings, grew up in the greater Chicago area – nothing else. At that time it hadn't seemed like he was avoiding that topic so I hadn't asked. Maybe there really wasn't much more to tell, I certainly couldn't regale him with much from my time living in Phoenix.

"Guess you made up for that later."

"I did," he laughed, and I felt myself relax at his lighter tone. "But really, it's easiest to resist temptation by avoiding it. Particularly when I don't even want to give in to that temptation. It's not even a temptation now, but I really don't want to mess up."

"Okay." I really didn't know what else to say.

More silence, but this time less awkward.

"I understand," I finally hedged, just to break the rising tension. "And I guess I should commend you for trying to make a difference. But really, I don't think it's necessary."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you'd do fine. Ignoring any skanks, I mean. You do well at Em's, too, And if need be, you can always grab me and virtually dry-hump me in front of them if that helps scare them away. Hand-holding might not be enough, you know?"

Edward laughed again, this time with a slightly dirty ring to it.

"That doesn't sound too bad. But I'd still prefer to do that where no one else can interrupt us."

Not for the first time I was wondering if the reason for us mostly hanging out at each other's apartments was that he didn't want to be seen with me in public, but as that wasn't entirely true – the keeping his hands to himself when we were out together part – I held my tongue.

"True. But don't you miss it? That part of your old life? Captivating the crowds, make them roar to your beat?"

That was a direct quote from one of my talks with Anette, and she seemed to use those phrases a lot because Edward groaned in reply.

"Sometimes. But it's not like I can so easily split that from the rest."

"And why not? Anette stopped doing drugs, and you were sitting at the same table when she told us that she's been in a steady relationship for the last seven months and that has never been a problem for her."

"Yeah but I'm not Anette."

"And I'm very glad about that! Still. If you want to join her, just for the good old times, I understand. And I have faith in you. You should maybe have some in yourself, too."

I was well aware of the fact that I had turned around my own stance at least twice in this conversation, but either he didn't care or felt like it was for the best. He still took his sweet time answering.

"Do you really not mind?"

"That you do what you love doing? No, as long as it doesn't involve a shitload of tits and asses that aren't mine I don't."

He still sounded hesitant when he went on.

"I guess it would be fun. But not if it ends in a huge fight with you."

"I promise I won't get mad at you just because some skank is hitting on you. As long as you leave with me, I'm happy."

Which wasn't entirely a lie, just a slightly cleaned up picture of the truth.

"Uh, okay, I guess that sounds good to me. But really, we can leave any time."

Rolling my eyes, I felt like telling him to grow some, but as I figured that was likely counterproductive, I swallowed that remark.

"Good. Pick me up tomorrow at eight?"

"Make that nine, Nette's notoriously late, and if I stay over for an hour before we go we might not make it out of your living room until well after midnight."

"Can't have that! See you at nine then!"

"Sure."

As always I waited for anything else to come, but when he remained silent, I hung up.

* * *

It was loud, it was hot, there were too many people around me, and before long I was regretting my decision of talking Edward into coming here tonight. In many ways it was worse than I had feared, but better than dared to hope.

It had taken all of five minutes for the first flock of "fans" to track him down, but he had easily dissuaded them of dropping their panties to let him sign them, or for that matter give him their number. Anette and the guy who owned the club, their mutual old friend, had found us soon after that, and my moo had definitely picked up from there. Until I was left with a glass of Cuba Libre at the bar, while the kids were having fun at the turntables.

And I had to admit, watching them in their natural habitat was quite an experience. I couldn't really say anything about the quality of their work – I hardly recognized any of the songs, and couldn't say what was original and what their spin on the beats – but the audience seemed riveted, so I figured they were doing a good job.

Finishing my first drink of the night, I tried flagging the bartender for another, but she seemed as distracted as most of the patrons. In her twenties, she fit in better with the crowd than I did, although I wasn't exactly feeling old. I had even made an effort to dress up for the occasion – black pants, a tight, white tube top with some appliqué red flowers, and a black biker jacket with – gasp – pink flat sandals – got me looking less out of place, as long as I kept the jacket off and stopped fidgeting with the top.

Finally she saw me and hurried over, a bright smile on her face that made her blue eyes twinkle.

"Sorry, but isn't he just amazing?"

I shrugged, not knowing how to reply.

"I guess?"

She looked a little taken aback for a moment, but then took my empty glass and started on mixing me a new drink right there, her black hair briefly falling into her eyes.

"It's just been such a long time since I've had the chance to listen to him work his magic. And to get them both in one deal, three years after they split up, that's just too good to be true!"

I felt a frown creep onto my forehead but tried to stay civil.

"So I take it you know a lot about him? Them?"

She grinned, then shrugged and handed me my drink.

"Not personally, of course. But they're hands-down my all time favorite DJ team! I was so devastated when they announced that they wouldn't keep working together as A-Net / Masen anymore, I have all the compilations where their mixes were published on. I mean she's great solo, too, but they're just perfect as a team. I mean just listen to this right now, isn't it fantastic?"

It was a little easier feigning enthusiasm as her reverence apparently only reached as far as his _music_, but it still bugged me a little. Then again that sudden possessive streak inside of me bugged me even more.

"Yeah, it is."

"You're really not quite into this, right?" she guessed, but her smile stayed sincere.

"To be true, no. Not quite a fan. More a friend."

None of the malice I was waiting for showed on her face, so I figured she wasn't one of the swarm of discarded groupies.

"It must be so fantastic knowing the persons behind the genius! Do you know maybe if they're planning on doing a re-union or something? Sorry I'm so nosy, but as I said, it's been years, and still it sounds as if they never stopped working together."

"He's kind of taking a time-out right now, don't know if he's planning a come-back or something any time soon."

She seemed only moderately sad to hear that, and I was surprised when her nod was rather sympathetic.

"I guess I can really understand that. Things have been crazy from what I heard before he stepped down. You see, my husband is working for a music magazine and he's been touring with them for two weeks at a time, and gosh, all those screaming women who just don't get a hint – just awful. Brian said it was a little like following a film star around, only with a less diverse crowd."

"I'm sure he didn't mind his spot in the limelight that much," I replied, trying to get her to reveal a little more.

"Oh, I'm sure every DJ loves his crowds. And I'm also sure that he got quite some tail over the years if it's that what you mean, but no worse than others. From what Brian told me, Anette seemed more like the proverbial slut than Edward. He just wanted to have a good time, never really overdid it. From what I hear. I think the reputation he's got is from all the girls he didn't fuck rather than those he did. The usual 'I can't have him, so you shouldn't even want to' thing. But you probably know that a lot better than I do, right?"

I left it at a smile, which she took for an affirmation.

"Drink's on the house, by the way. I'm so excited to talk to someone who actually knows my idol! This is just so great!"

With that she flitted off, leaving me a little baffled and with more uncertainty on my mind than I would have expected from such a short conversation. Turning back to watch the crowd, I savored the taste of the Barcadi on my tongue. I had to admit that the music wasn't so bad, either. And as I kept listening and observing, I started to see a different side of Edward that was strange to me, but in a good way.

I knew that it was his thing to pretend to be less bright than he actually was, to hide his intelligence behind dazzling smiles and smooth one-liners. Once he left that behind I actually got to really like the man he turned out to be underneath all those layers. I certainly liked his attentiveness to me, at least when he chose to display it. While a little unconventional, his whole touchy-feely demeanor wasn't unpleasant in the least. But for the entire time I had assumed that all of that, including his relaxed way, was part of the changes to his life, side-effects from ostracizing himself from a life of meaningless sex, drugs, and fast paced, loud music. Kind of his successful attempt of finding more meaning in life.

Yet as I watched him now, clearly loving what he was doing, as carefree and happy as a child, I started wondering if he had just taken a real effort to ignore part of who he was, in turn creating a new set of problems as he still wasn't really himself. I hadn't expected to like the side of him that was in the open right now, but when they let the track fade so Anette could scream out an announcement, he grinned over to where he knew I was waiting for him, and it was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, simply because it was so pure and without reservations.

That was when I realized that all our talks and hours spent getting to know each other had only shown me part of who he was. The part he wanted me to see, but not necessarily the part I _needed_ to see. And it was that moment that I decided that whether he wanted to or not, I was going to find out who the real Edward was.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**EPOV**

Turned out my fretting was all for nothing – because the night was simply amazing.

It was great to see Tony again, the audience was very receptive, and the three songs I had promised Anette turned into thirteen instead. Throughout the evening I was a little worried about Bella but she kept smiling at me from her place at the bar, unperturbed by the crowds. I felt like I was high on just the vibes inside the club, but when I finally got back to her so I could hug her close and kiss her long and deep until we were both breathless, the night was perfect – or so I thought.

A little chatting with Tony and a thwarted attempt to keep Bella from downing her forth drink later we ended up in her apartment, not because it was closer, but because I was honestly afraid she wouldn't find her way home from mine. She wasn't exactly trashed but in very high spirits, and I didn't complain when that manifested itself in her being overtly needy, and as I soon found out, quite horny.

In fact I was so busy keeping up with her passionate if sloppy kisses that she had my pants halfway down my legs before I realized what she was about to do, and my brain simply short-circuited for a few minutes when her lips wrapped around my cock and she started to suck me off, kneeling between my spread legs on the floor in front of her TV sofa.

It simply had been too long. And having her so close so often but never quite _having_ her didn't help much, either. And shit, she definitely knew what she was doing.

Yet still, I had to stop her.

"Bella, please, don't -"

My own words sounded like blasphemy, and not only my cock was screaming at me to just shut up and let it happen. This was all her idea, her doing, and seriously, whoever declined a blowjob from a woman they really, really wanted to have sex with?

A real idiot. Which I was, clearly.

I guessed she didn't take me serious when I told her to stop the first time, but when I nudged her shoulder once more she stilled, then let my wet cock slide from between her lips – only to wrap her fingers around it, not exactly helping my predicament much.

"Oh if you prefer that I jerk you off, no problem, I can do that, too."

It wasn't just a statement as she instantly started to demonstrate, and it took all of my strength to keep insisting that she stop, which came out with strangled moan. She did stop then, but the look on her face resembled that of a lost puppy.

"Can you even tell me why? I'm sure you jerk off all the time, so what's so different when I do it? It's not even sex, just a little fun! And if it's that, I don't expect you to reciprocate."

She was clearly not quite as drunk as I had assumed as she was still capable of snarking back at me, but that didn't change a thing.

"I really appreciate your, ah, attentiveness but -"

Her brows rose at that, but instead of stomping off in anger, she crawled up my body until she was straddling me, effectively wedging my dick between my belly and her pants. If she'd been naked, I didn't think I could have held myself back.

"I could be a hell of a lot more attentive, you know?" she purred, then kissed my lips hard enough to bruise. Apparently booze also made her curse, and that quite raunchily.

"Bella, you don't know -"

"Oh contrary, I know exactly what I'm doing right now," she interjected, then smiled down at me while she dragged up my t-shirt until it was bunched up around my neck. Her lips and tongue were hot on my slightly sweaty skin, as were her hands that were alternately grazing my cock and running over my hips and abs. "I just want to make you feel good."

That she already accomplished, and her efforts worked twice as well when she stopped just long enough to remove her white top, baring the expanse of her naked chest to my sight. Leaning back a little, she wrapped one of her hands around my cock again while she pursed her lips and put the index finger of her other hand to her mouth in a mock gesture of concentration. When she was sure my eyes were practically glued to that finger she licked it, slowly, before she ran it down her neck to her chest, idly tracing the outline of her left nipple.

"I know just how much you want this to be your tongue," she tapped her finger against her nipple, then moved it to her other tit while she pointedly squeezed my cock. "I know because I have the evidence of said want right here in my hand."

To my never ending relief she let go of my dick then, but when she started undoing her own pants that quickly changed to a mild panic. Somehow she managed to get one of her legs out of them so that she could still straddle me without actually getting up, and seeing my cock now so precariously close to the flimsy bit of white very see-through lace nearly was my undoing.

A finger under my chin got me to look up at her face again, fining her smiling with a confidence that was so unfamiliar in combination with the state of her undress, it was a huge turn-on.

"I'm not going to push you, Edward, but we both know that eventually we are going to have sex. You also know that I'm immensely enjoying our slow approach, but frankly? Give me a date."

"A date?"

I had no idea where I found the brainpower to speak, and that she understood my grunt was a small miracle, too.

"Yes, a date. For when we finally get down and dirty. Although I'm sure it's not going to be like that. I know it will be sweet and slow and then hot and full of passion, and we'll likely spend hours wrapped around each other, pleasuring each other, but that's not the point. Tell me just how long you intend to keep me in this wonderful but not quite fulfilling limbo, and I will stop. If you want me to, that is."

I should have seen that eventually she would feel like this, but that didn't lend me an answer in my current state.

"Uhm, I don't know, a few weeks from now?"

"Give me a date, unless you want me to see just how well you can hold back."

As if to prove her point she pushed her hips forward until my dick was pressed against the white lace. It was soft and if I wasn't terribly mistaken soaking wet, and I was quite fascinated with the fact that no hair seemed to darken the light color.

"Did you get waxed?"

A light smack onto my shoulder pleasantly reminded me that this was actually still the woman I had been bickering with a lot over the course of the last weeks, and not some figment of my imagination.

"That is none of your business unless you intend to take a much closer look yourself."

The brief snarky interlude thankfully helped me clear my head somewhat, even though thinking was still barely possible.

"I can't really give you a date, I mean I don't really enter lines like 'seduce Bella tonight' into my day planner."

"Maybe you should enter this one," she suggested, then moved a little up and down so that I could feel the wet fabric slide against my glans.

"I … I don't … shit, can you stop this for a moment, I'm trying to think here!"

If anything, she seemed incredibly amused by my outburst.

"I take it 'trying' is the important word here?"

I gave up talking then, at least for a few minutes, by embracing her so I could draw her closer to me, attacking her neck with my mouth. She tried to push me away but only for a moment, and soon her whimpers and moans urged me on further. Feeling a little childish for actually thinking this was a kind of payback I forced myself to stop, keeping her close but far enough away so that I could look into her eyes. They were dark and heavy, and when she realized that I had stopped for good, they lit up with something close to anger.

"Let me propose something, because I can't let you keep this up."

"Why not?"

"I won't defile what we have here with a drunk night of sloppy sex on your couch."

"I have a bed, too, you know?"

Laughing, I reached up to cup her cheek, making her smile at the contact.

"I know. And we should maybe relocate to there. But we won't have sex tonight."

"No?"

"No."

"Not even a blowjob?"

"Especially not a blowjob."

Her face fell for a moment, but then brightened again.

"Why do we need to move to the bed, then?"

"Because if we want to step up the pace from where we left off last time we need more room. Enough space to stretch out and move around a little."

Bella proved to be surprisingly limber when it came to unfolding herself from on top of me, although she nearly tripped on her halfway discarded pants. Stomping out of them she extended one hand towards me, and without another word drew me along into the room behind the closed door on the other side of the hall from her kitchenette.

The holy lair, innermost sanctum. So not what I expected.

In one aspect it was exactly what I guessed it to be – one corner of the room was taken up by an L-shaped table overflowing with technical equipment. But that was the extent of her geeky side when it came to her bedroom. No posters like the ones that decorated her hallway and toilet. No sci-fi books or plastic figurines. Just a sturdy bed, nightstand and medium sized closet, the wood dark, the walls light, the sheets a cyan & brown geometric pattern. There was nothing exceedingly feminine about the room, but as I watched her flop down on the bed and turn around to look up at me, I realized that it was purely hers.

That was the extent of the brainpower I could divert to architectural assessments, because quite frankly, nearly naked woman on bed always overruled interior design input. A right now blushing, a little self-conscious woman, but still.

Just as before it was a small relief to see the Bella I had grown accustomed to peek out behind the mask of the smoldering temptress, which made me doubly glad that I had stopped her before. I knew it would have been great, but I was convinced that I could do better. As it was, the urge to prove to her that tonight wouldn't end in more frustration for her was strong in my mind.

Ditching everything except for my boxers, which though mostly loose were embarrassingly tented even now, I followed her onto the bed, laying down next to her. She smiled when I gently stroked down her thigh as I leaned over her to kiss her, her arms coming around my back.

"So what are we doing to do now?" she asked, her voice breathy.

"Do our very best to please each other."

"Sounds promising."

I kissed her again, this time taking my time exploring her mouth with my tongue, while I moved us so that we were both lying on our sides, facing each other. Her hand found purchase on my arm while I kept stroking her thigh and side, skimming over the thin stretch of lace over her hip. As the pressure behind my motions became stronger, I felt her shift slightly so that she was partially lying on her back, letting me nudge her legs open slowly.

Her own hand didn't remain still but started to explore my chest, then inched down towards my groin. Unlike before where she needed all of a few seconds to get inside my pants, she now took her time stroking and exploring above the waist band, making me want to shove my dick towards her but at the same time relish the sweet tension building inside me.

"Just one more thing."

"Hm?" She didn't sound very attentive as I stopped teasing her nipple with my tongue.

"I don't want you to come right away."

Her eyes flew open, and she regarded me with something very close to disdain.

"I don't think that's something you have any say over."

I felt like rolling my eyes at her, but then figured I wasn't at my most eloquent right now when it came to explaining myself.

"I don't want to keep you from your climax. But it's usually stronger in the end if you allow your release more time to build up." I realized that my words weren't quite reaching through to her, so I kept it simple. "When you feel like you're about to come, tell me to stop and I will. Only for a few moments, enough to let your pleasure ebb just a little so it can grow more when I continue. Same goes for me and what you do."

Bella still didn't really like the idea, but a sweet smile from me and a few lingering kisses took the frown away from her forehead.

"Trust me on this? If it doesn't work for you I promise I'll go down on you until you feel like I've made it up to you, okay?"

She weighed her options, but her slow smile already told me that I had won.

"Deal."

Answering her admission with caresses and kisses, I soon had her writhing and moaning next to me. I didn't go right for her panties, but it didn't take me too long until I could ascertain with my fingers that she was indeed quite aroused. Letting my fingers stay above the fabric I started running them up and down her pussy, pressing in lightly until her moans turned decidedly louder. Her own hand finding my cock distracted me a little, but as she wasn't quite as determined as before to drive me wild immediately I could retain some of my sense.

I decided then that her panties had to stay on or else I would have a really hard time keeping myself in check. It was easy enough to nudge them aside a little so that my finger could reach her clit, where I kept rubbing slow circles until she let out a few throaty whimpers.

"So what was that about the wax?"

Bella squeezed my dick a little too hard to still be comfortable, but I figured I deserved that for dragging her out of her lust induced haze.

"Rose talked me into it."

"And there I thought it would take more to influence you in something like that."

After all we had had a rather lengthy discussion at one time about society's view of personal hygiene, upon which she had threatened to stop shaving altogether, including her armpits and legs. I hadn't told her that I didn't really care either way, but I hadn't expected her to be completely bare, even less through waxing.

"Is it so surprising that when my lesbian friend tells me she prefers to lick bald tacos that I only hesitate for a day until I make the appointment?"

I chuckled against her neck, causing goose bumps to break out all over her body. I definitely approved of that reaction.

"I guess you have a point."

To underscore my words I let my fingers drift over her smooth lips with my thumb remaining on her clit, until I teased her entrance by brushing slowly over it, without actually pushing into her.

"I didn't really do it for your comfort, just so you know," she bit out, but I could tell that talking got decidedly harder for her by the second. "But if she'd just told me how incredible this feels I would have – aah, stop!"

I stilled my fingers but left them where they were, instead kissing her neck and shoulder slowly. I loved to listen to the sounds of her ragged panting quieting down slowly, and when she stopped shivering I let my thumb resume its previous motion. She tensed up immediately again so I slowed down a little more, but also picked up stroking my fingers up and down between her labia.

A moment later I had to realize that she was less blissed out than I had figured when she renewed her efforts to make me come, and before long I was the one who had to ask her to stop. I nearly thought she wouldn't when I caught her smirking at me, but then she stilled her hand, instead invading my mouth with her tongue.

Before long we had established a kind of rhythm, nicely balancing the to and fro of pleasure between us, but I could tell that she was slowly losing her patience. So when I felt myself nearing my own climax the next time, I didn't stop her right away.

"Do you want to come first or shall I?"

"What, no totally synced orgasms for us? Now I'm starting to feel cheated," she huffed, but her eyes were a little too bright for me to take her serious. At my cocked eyebrow she shrugged, the motion doing terribly delicious things to me, and at my resulting moan her lopsided grin turned into a hungry smile.

"If you promise not to roll over and fall asleep I think you should go first. I think I want to watch you lose it in all those gritty details from up close."

I felt like grunting something moderately funny back at her, but she stopped that short by claiming my mouth with hers while her thumb resumed rubbing all over the head of my cock while she used her other hand to massage my balls. Trying to hold out as long as I could I attempted to empty my mind, but she was everywhere – her scent, her touch, her very presence driving me crazy – and no ten seconds later I came hard all over my own stomach and her hands.

I was a little embarrassed when she got up to get a towel from the bathroom, but she looked as satisfied as the cat who had just licked the cream – not quite literally, but close enough. Accepting the towel with a smile I cleaned myself up, then drew her against me with her back close to my chest, first causing her to shriek, then grunt.

"You're not really thinking about cuddling now, are you?"

Her beginning complaint stopped the moment I pushed her upper leg towards her chest so I could comfortably reach her pussy from behind, turning any further words she would have uttered into a low moan as I let two of my fingers slide into her.

"Wanna lend me a hand here?" I asked while I let my other arm, previously under her and lying across her stomach drift up until my fingers could comfortably play with her breasts.

"Sure. Just tell me what -"

She inhaled noisily when I sucked lazily on her neck.

"Rub your clit. Help me make you come."

She actually giggled at that, but a few moments later I felt her reach between her legs, the walls of her pussy instantly clenching around my fingers when she followed my advice. A little more teasing her neck and nipples while I kept thrusting my fingers deeper and deeper into her and I had her writhing, and a short while later she tensed up one last time before she came. And came, and kept right on coming what must have been at least three waves washing through her entire body.

I had to admit, I felt a little smug at that.

Snuggling her close to me I closed my eyes and just relished the sensation of her warm body pressed against mine – and for the first time ever contemplated how it would be to wake up like this. The only times I had ever shared that with someone was when one or both of us had passed out the night before, and usually it was not under the most pleasant of circumstances. But with her, I could see how waking up together could maybe be a nice thing. Once in a while. If whatever we had was more than just strong mutual attraction. As it was, that felt nice in and of itself, too.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**BPOV**

"I can't do that! And besides that, it's a horrible idea!"

Carmen rolled her eyes at my outburst, and consequently ignored my protest.

"Bella, you've just spent the better part of your stay here gushing over this guy and how you just know there's more to him than he shows. That you want to find out who the real Edward is. Where better to start than observing him in the habitat he seems to be considering as his natural one?"

"But I can't just go to that gym and take one of his classes!"

"Why not?"

"Because … because I just can't!" I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest defensively.

"'Just because' is really not a good enough reason," Rose supplied unhelpfully. "And we both know it's because of your unnatural dislike of anything physical exercise and nothing else!"

I knew she was deliberately trying to stoke the flames of my temper, but for once I didn't give her the chance to succeed.

"Don't be ridiculous, how bad can a yoga class be?"

At Carmen's grin I sighed, feeling like sticking my tongue out at her.

"I didn't mean it like that. I know I will make an ass of myself, but isn't that part of being a newbie? I meant literally falling flat on my face or something like that. You know, like the one time Rose thought it was a good idea to take me to her cardio aerobics class? Now that was bad. But that's not what I wanted to say."

"Which is?" Carmen asked, looking sure she had won already.

"It's an intrusion into his privacy."

"He's a fucking yoga instructor, there is no privacy about visiting one of his classes!" Rose protested.

"But I'd never have gone there except for snooping around!"

"What's wrong with that? He doesn't have anything to hide, right? And you were there already, just didn't watch him work his mojo," Rose went on. "See it as thoughtful curiosity on your part. You just want to partake in this important second half of his life, right?"

Right.

And still I found myself at the gym at 10am a few days later, gnawing on my fingernails while I waited for the girl at the reception desk to hand us the keys to our changing room lockers. It was a small salvation that Rose couldn't clear her schedule, as I was sure Carmen was the lesser of the two evils. Judging from the way she was eyeing the crowd already pumping weights I was sure she would miraculously disappear should I happen to want some private time with Edward. Not that I was planning on ravishing him in the hallway leading back to the sauna or something. Not that he would _let_ me ravish him. But just in case, Carmen was definitely more reliable to suddenly disappear if the need arose.

We finally got our keys and went on to the changing rooms, and I felt the hair at the nape of my neck stand on end. This was entirely too much like high school PE class, about the only thing that had ever made me feel inferior. The irony that I was doing this – more or less – for a guy I had met only a month ago didn't escape my notice.

To avoid further moments of embarrassment the only thing I actually had to change were my socks and shoes, but I pretended to fidget with the things inside my gym bag while Carmen stripped next to me as if she didn't have a care in the world. Which was probably the truth, but it still took me aback just how comfortable she was with being nude in front of strangers.

While I took a sip from my bottle of water I couldn't help but overhear two women in their forties talk. If you could call their gushing talk, even, while one of them kept trying to squeeze herself into a pair of supportive tights, and the other climbed onto a bench so she could admire her backside in the mirror. Women like that scared me.

"And I tell you," the one on the bench was just declaring, "his hands are truly magical. You definitely have to go to his Friday classes, they are not as overrun as those on the weekends. And less people means more time for hands-on instructions, if you know what I mean."

The other woman seemed to blush at the implication, and I had to admit, I felt my bile rise. Why, I didn't know. I mean it was yoga, obviously he'd have to help them assume the correct position. And why did those thoughts only make it worse?

Meanwhile a third woman joined them, air-kissing the butt-admirer once she had stepped back down onto the floor, and hugging the other.

"Sue, Lydia, so great to meet you both! Are you here for Edward's class?"

"Oh, of course, who wouldn't want a hottie like him to tough a fine ass like this one?"

I tried to ignore them, instead turning to Carmen.

"Remind me again why I have to suffer through this?"

She smiled as she put on her tank top, of course looking fabulous as always.

"Bella, calm down. They're all a bunch of unsatisfied housewives with just one single outlet for their frustration. I'm sure getting a generic smile is about as close to fulfillment as they ever get, while you have the real deal."

I wish, my sarcastic inner voice answered her explanation. Carmen only grinned at the face I was making and went on.

"Now stay put here and stop scowling, I'll be back in a few." And off she went to the bathroom.

With nothing else to do I remained sitting on the bench in front of my locker, for the tenth time reading the label on my water bottle. Try as I might I just couldn't refrain from listening to them.

Right now the two others were regaling the one with the support tights with stories of their previous 'endeavors'. It was easy not to get mad at them when they were swooning about getting the looks and smiles Carmen had clearly been talking about, but then their topic shifted.

"And if you're really lucky, you might even get lucky for real, if you know what I mean," the third woman was just saying.

"Lucky?"

"Oh yes. And he's not only hung like a horse, he'll give you a good ride, too!"

Now that was definitely not something I needed to hear, but I had kind of figured that he had had a few 'relapses' into his previous behavior when he started here.

"Seriously?"

"Just ask around, there are a lot of women who can testify just how good he is."

I tried to tell myself that maybe they were a really loyal bunch and had been around here for the same classes for years.

"Trust me, he's definitely not one to say no. Just last week I happened to be a little late to leave the gym after showering, and we ran into each other at the elevator down to the parking deck. And you know that my Lexus convertible has very spacious seats."

Or maybe not.

I felt my stomach lurch at her words. Last week. That was even before our make-out sessions had reached beyond what was more first base than even second.

Although now it all made sense. Why would he invest more into whatever we had if he kept screwing around with his harem here? I really should have seen it. I was so stupid and naïve, believing all the crap he had told me without really second-guessing it. But at least now I knew.

Seven months celibate my ass!

Anger bubbled up in me so strong that I couldn't concentrate on anything but what was directly in front of me, but at least that meant I didn't have to continue to listen to more of their war stories. I barely had the presence of mind to tell Carmen, who was just returning, that I was going home, then I grabbed my bag and walked out of the changing room without looking back.

The details of how I got home remained fuzzy, but not even Miss Julie ranting at me for yet again signing for one of my UPS deliveries could drag me out of my haze. Once my door was closed behind me I took a deep breath, waiting for the tears to come – but my eyes remained dry. If at all that only made me more angry.

I didn't know what to do with myself, frustration soon taking over. I was still seething inside but also felt so helpless. And while most of my anger was directed at him, an essential part was turned at myself. I wasn't a seventeen year old high school girl anymore who was prone to swoon at the first smile some guy directed at her. Although right now I was definitely feeling just as stupid.

My first impulse was to call Rose, but I didn't even make it to my cell phone. The proverbial 'told you so' was looming ahead, I knew that, and hearing it from her wouldn't change a thing. I didn't have anyone else I could talk to whose opinion I would have valued, and who I felt I could trust with a topic like this. Certainly not my mom. And with Carmen being more or less Rosalie's extension, I was sure it was only a matter of time until one of them would call, anyway.

Once I had ascertained that there was nothing on TV I sat down at my computer, but only stared at the background image for ten minutes straight. Turning it off again I instead flopped down onto my couch, but that only reminded me of the countless hours spent kissing and touching each other there – the only place worse was my bed where something had actually happened that went beyond what teenagers might have been doing.

Hours passed, spent with my mind all over the place, restless, and increasingly hurt as no one seemed to care at all that I had made an utter fool of myself. In the early afternoon I finally snapped and called him, if only so I wouldn't keep feeling so rejected.

Edward picked up on the first ring, immediately making me wonder if he had been waiting for my call.

"Bella?"

"Yeah, I guess you have to ask when someone calls you, to make sure you are talking to the right woman. Would be too bad if you actually mixed up the ones you fucked and those you make believe they're something special while you just keep them for the bad times."

My accusation was greeted with silence, and I felt like reaching through the phone so I could wring an answer out of him. When he finally did go on he sounded surprised.

"Have I done anything wrong? I mean I understand that you are upset with my past conquests but that's coming a little out of the blue."

His fake cluelessness, and the fact that he still sounded so sincere, only increased the anger inside of me.

"How about fucking at least one, of not many, of your harem while you pretended to be with me? But I guess you think you really didn't do anything wrong as we've never actually been an item!"

"Just wait, is this about me never saying that I'm your boyfriend? Because I really don't mind, I thought you didn't want something as childish as that to define what we have -"

"What we have? We don't have anything!"

That shut him up again, but instead of being defensive or getting right back into my face, he sounded only surprised.

"Do you mind if I come over? I think we have some kind of misunderstanding here, and we should have this talk face to face."

I nearly hung up right away then, but the prospect of spewing all my hate right at him in a way where I could see his reaction sounded promising. And would probably rid me of that stupid frustration so I could move on.

"No, I don't mind," I answered with a scathing tone. "I think I would actually welcome that!"

"Okay, I'll be over in twenty minutes. I really hope we can resolve this, whatever it is, because you really mean so much to -"

I hung up before he could say something else. I was sure it was all lies, but at the same time my heart clenched with that stupid, naïve feeling of hope. Only that just then, I didn't know if that was a good thing or not.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**BPOV**

By the time my doorbell rang – what felt like hours after our brief phone call – I was both fuming and sick to the stomach. For some reason my anger had lessened a little after hearing his voice, even though I knew his words had to be lies. Maybe it really was a misunderstanding – but to be honest, I didn't know if I wanted there to be hope for our budding relationship if my trust in him was so easily shaken.

Of course he looked delectable as always in his tight jeans and off-white t-shirt, his hair all over the place from a recent shower. I felt like smiling but then it occurred to me that he'd likely showered again to wash some other woman's scent off him, and my calm evaporated. I still held my tongue as I stepped back to let him in, walking stiffly into the living room before he could even attempt to hug or kiss me. He was frowning by the time he had ditched his shoes and followed me in, and for some uncanny reason he stayed leaning against the door frame, well out of my reach from where I paced in front of the coffee table.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

Not even stopping, I glared at him for a moment, but the look on his face only showed mild concern. He really must have been a fantastic actor to pull that off.

"You know exactly what's wrong."

His brow furrowed, and he shook his head.

"Is it something I did? Said? Is it about last time I was over? If you feel like I took advantage of you then -"

"I wish!"

Now he looked really confused.

"You wish what?"

Sighing exasperatedly I stopped and rounded on him, hoping that my glare was cold enough to convey my displeasure.

"Quit pretending to be so dense, you at least owe me some honesty here."

"I've always been honest with you, I respect you and would never lie -"

"Then why do you keep fucking your whole harem while I only get the touchy-feely treatment?"

The confused look on his face would have been priceless if I hadn't been so livid by then.

"What harem? And I told you I didn't have sex with anyone for months!"

"Then care to explain to me why those old hags keep comparing their stories about your conquests in the locker room at your stupid gym?"

He tensed up then and my heart sank with the certainty that I was right, his momentary silence a mute admission. But instead of spewing more lies, he raised one long-fingered hand to his face and rubbed his eyes.

"Let me guess, one of them is about your height, well-preserved for her age, blond, short hair, too much makeup, fake breasts only she believes look good?"

That fitted for the description of the skank who had been eyeing her butt in the mirror, so I nodded.

"And the other a little less over-done, dark hair, ponytail, usually wears slightly too tight clothes for her not quite perfectly toned body?"

Another nod, which made him sigh loudly and throw his head back in a frustrated gesture, his hands first on his face, then caught in his unruly hair.

"Those are Marcy and Lydia. They are like sharks, circling, always on the prowl." He glanced over to me then, his face nearly pained. "Yes, I admit, I was stupid enough to have sex with them, but that was a long, long time ago. It's not my fault exactly that they keep telling tales and insinuate that it was long after they had their last three trips to the plastic surgeon, and not years ago."

I didn't know if I should be pissed at him for sleeping with them, or glad that he hadn't screwed around on me. Yet as I tried to make up my mind, I realized that it was only part of the problem.

"But you fucked them." A statement, not a question. He nodded, frustration rising in him now, too.

"That's what I just said, didn't I? But not recently. I didn't lie to you, Bella."

"But you _fucked_ them," I repeated, now with more malice in my tone. "You fuck everything with a cunt on two legs, but you won't fuck me."

Edward tensed anew, his calm slowly evaporating.

"Have I ever given you any reason to doubt me?"

"When didn't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You keep telling me you changed. Like what, three years ago? And still there are women aplenty you've had sex with. About everyone I meet who knows you you've screwed around with. Except for me!"

He was a little perplexed at my rant, but it clearly didn't faze him.

"Are you actually complaining that I care about you?"

"Do you?" I really wasn't sure what to think anymore.

"Of course I do!" he huffed, then clearly fought to remain calm. "How can you not see this?"

"Then why don't you want me? I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, but don't you think I deserve to feel good, too?"

I knew I was talking all over the place and probably didn't sound very rational, but he didn't make it easy for me not to be offended.

"Of course I … what does this even have to do with anything? Bella, you're a wonderful woman, and of course I want you, why are you saying stupid things like that?"

"Oh now I'm stupid, too?"

His eyes took on a hard gleam then.

"That's not what I said, and you know it. Now quit blathering around and tell me what's going on!"

"I'm not blathering! And why shouldn't I be offended when you keep ignoring me?"

"I'm not ignoring you!" he shouted, this time not trying to keep quiet anymore. "Shit, do you even know how hard it is for me not to bend you over that couch there every fucking time I'm here?"

"Then why don't you just do it?"

Edward took a few steps closer until he was nearly looming over me, but instead of intimidating me the fierceness in his posture only made my knees week and my panties wet.

"Is that what you want? For us to fuck?"

"Yes! And why not? What's so bad about having sex?"

He shook his head for a moment as if to clear his thoughts, and I decided that now was my chance. Closing the distance between us I reached up to wind my fingers through his hair, drawing his head down so I could kiss him. There was nothing soft or slow to that kiss, and I felt like high-fiving myself when his arms were suddenly around me, crushing me to him while his tongue snaked into my mouth. It was messy and passionate, and I loved every second of it while I felt him grow hard against my belly.

We were both panting when he pulled his head away from me, but his hands stayed firmly where they were cupping my ass now, squeezing a little to keep me in place. While I could see the need on his face, I was sure he was about to bolt, and I just couldn't stand being left frustrated and wound up yet again.

"I know you want to go slow, and I appreciate that. I'd really love to explore and experiment with you in the future. But I think we both agree that today is not the time for idle touches and cuddles. Right?"

Instead of answering he crushed his lips back against mine, and I figured that this time, his actions really spoke louder than words. A low moan coming from deep inside his chest when I rolled my hips suggestively against the bulge in his pants underlined that, and I only squealed a little when he picked me up and carried me into my bedroom.

The moment my back hit the mattress his hands were all over me, making my whole body come alive. Hungry to feel his skin against mine I yanked on his t-shirt until it was off, then ran my own hands over his back, feeling his muscles tense and shift as he quickly rid me of my clothes. His lips were hot against the side of my neck, making me gasp when I felt his tongue lap at the sensitive skin.

Then his fingers were kneading my thigh, and before I knew it, he was scooting down my body, trailing hot kisses all over me. I couldn't breathe for a moment when his tongue lapped slowly over my clit, the sensation so intense that I nearly blacked out. I sobbed silently when he started sucking on it, while one of his fingers slid into me, making me clench around him hard. A second finger joined the first and I nearly came undone, but my resistance melted under the steady insistence of his tongue barely a minute later.

Edward was kissing his way up from between my legs while I tried to catch my breath, his motions now slower and deliberate until he reached my mouth again. I moaned when I tasted myself on him, and I felt him smile as he hugged me closer.

"You're so damn beautiful when you come," he whispered into my ear, then languidly sucked the lobe into his mouth and gently nibbled on it. I felt myself blush at his words but then his hard cock brushed against my thigh and drew my attention elsewhere.

He gave a very satisfying groan as I wrapped my fingers around his dick, and his eyes fluttered closed when I ran my thumb over the head, gathering a drop of precum on the way. Still when I tried to scoot lower he stopped me, instead rolling us so that I was flat on my back with him crouching over me. Our eyes met for a moment, and I could see that he definitely had something else in mind than a blowjob.

"Condoms are in the top drawer of my nightstand."

He reached over to where I pointed, a somewhat amused look on his face, but if he found it peculiar that I had planned ahead, he didn't comment on it. Something low in my stomach clenched with anticipation, and I licked my lips as I watched him roll the rubber over his straining erection. He pumped his hand up and down two more times, then his eyes found mine again as he crawled back between my legs.

I held my breath when he took his cock and ran it up and down my slit, before he grabbed one of my hips, and pushed into me with one fast motion. A keening sound tore itself from my lips as pleasure exploded all through my lower body, but it was quickly stifled by his tongue in my mouth. I was still panting into his mouth when he let his hand roam over my thigh, then nudged my leg up until I hitched it over to his ass, incidentally pushing him even deeper into me. I loved the sensation of how he filled me, my body stretching deliciously to accommodate him.

His lips never left mine as he propped himself up on his arms left and right of my head, his fingers threading into my hair as he deepened the kiss – and then started to move. Slowly at first, he quickly picked up speed, creating the most amazing friction as he kept thrusting into me. My body developed a mind of its own, my hips coming up to meet his, every fiber of me singing with need.

Tension started building up in my lower body, and soon he had me writhing again with the need to come. I nearly barked at him when he suddenly stopped, but his husky voice in my ear let my protest die immediately.

"I'm now going to flip you over, okay? That way I can fuck you harder and deeper."

I was seriously too stunned from lust clogging my mind, so I just nodded stupidly. He gave me a last, passionate kiss before he slid out of me, then pushed me onto my stomach, his hand at my hip drawing me into a somewhat kneeling position.

I nearly whimpered with need when I felt his body stretch over mine, but then he was pushing into me again, and I felt like I was going to melt into the sheets any moment now. He had been right, this way he was able to go deeper with every thrust, and the whole sensation was more intense. I moaned as his hungry lips found my neck again, blanking out my mind and sending my nerve endings into overdrive.

I had never before felt like this, my whole body aflame with need and lust, flying fast towards that edge of abandon yet again – and I knew it was like this because it was with him. It wasn't just a physical thing like some of my previous experiences, and it was a lot more rewarding than sex had ever been with Jake – Edward and I were simply made for each other.

Then he quickened his pace and my capability to grasp even a single thought evaporated, leaving me a writhing, moaning entity of lust and passion – and when I came again, moments before he finished, I felt as if it was only the light weight of his body pressing into mine that kept me from soaring away. It was the closest I had ever come to pure bliss, and I loved every second of it.

Sighing contently I felt him press a lingering kiss onto my shoulder, and when I looked up at him, smiling, I watched him slide off the condom to tie a knot into it. I closed my eyes as I heard him pad off towards the bathroom, presumably to dispose of it. Snuggling deeper into my pillows I waited for him to return, eager to cuddle with him now that the edge was taken off from the frustration that had been gripping me for weeks, my mind equally sated.

Only that he never joined me.

I pried my heavy lids open when I heard the rustle of clothes, my body still too high on my endorphins to really be alarmed. He looked up at me after buttoning his jeans, his gaze lingering on my face for a moment before he had to break contact so he could pull on his t-shirt.

"What are you doing?"

He smirked in answer, but his eyes remained weirdly blank.

"I'm surprised you even have to ask. I figured as you were demanding what everyone else got, you'd expect no other outcome, either."

I had no idea what he was talking about, and when he read that silent answer from my face, he shrugged.

"I thought you were different than the rest, but clearly, I was wrong. You wanted to fuck, well, I think I did a good job there. Fucking you. And now I will go. Don't bother calling, you know I don't screw anyone twice."

I heard his words but my brain simply didn't want to understand it.

"Why are you doing this?" I finally asked as he pulled on his socks, already turning his back on me. He stopped in mid-motion, then glanced back over his shoulder, and I could see a look of pain in his eyes before they became completely expressionless.

"You spied after me. You never believed a word I said, and you accused me of lying to you even though I never gave you a cause for it. So I let you use me, like every other woman in my life does. It's the one thing I'm good at – fucking. And now we're done. Trust me, it's for the best."

And with that he left me, curled up in my rumbled, sweat-soaked sheets, the sound of the door closing behind him drowned out by the first sob wrenching itself from my throat.

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**There are 4 chapters left in the story (including a short epilogue), but part of me considers this chapter the end - if you know me well enough you'll understand.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own!**

**I would like to thank most of you for reviewing! Why only most? I'm honestly appalled of what some people wrote.  
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Chapter 13**

**EPOV**

I wished I could just wipe my mind and not think at all. Lacking the ability to accomplish that, I went for the next best thing – booze. Luckily it only took me a few minutes to find the next liquor store and get a bottle of Grey Goose. Not caring about the looks people gave me I down half of the bottle right outside the shop, before I staggered down the street to make my way over to Em's club.

I was pleasantly trashed by the time I got there, nearly falling down the stairs behind the back entry. I vaguely wondered why the club was even open, but it didn't occur to me that had it been closed, I would have been unable to get inside, either.

"Shit, what happened to you, man?"

If not for Emmett grabbing my arm I would have slid off the bar stool right after sitting down on it, but then I steadied myself by leaning down onto the bar. Em remained next to me until he was sure I wasn't about to fall onto my ass again, before he took his usual place on the other side of the counter.

"Edward? What the hell happened?"

I stared stupidly at the bottles lined up behind him, wondering if whiskey or tequila would blend better with the vodka sloshing in my bloodstream. Then he asked me again, and I answered just so the annoying noise would go away.

"I'm an ass. That's what happened."

Em seemed to expect more, but before he could go on, I brought the empty bottle of GG down on the bar, hard.

"Give me some tequila. And don't go all greedy on me now, make it a full glass. No ice."

"You so don't need any more booze, buddy! Here, drink some coffee, that'll sober you up in no time again! About a month from now, considering you can't even look straight, but that's better than nothing, eh?"

I ignored him, and when he didn't do as I had asked him, I tried to get up so I could treat myself to some myself, but only ended up on the floor right next to my chair. Em joined me after a moment, looking concerned.

"I guess that's a no to coffee then. Sure, have it your way. But I'm not going to enable your bender any further than you already got."

"I'm such an ass," I repeated, then laughed at how slurred my speech sounded.

"That's not exactly news. But why the sudden insight?"

Letting my head fall against the wood at my back, I stared up at the dark ceiling. I really wished I had more booze to make my stupid brain shut off.

"It's better for her."

"Who?"

"Better for her. Without me she's better off," I went on, then scrunched my eyes shut, trying to unsee that look on her face when I walked out. "Better now than later, when she finds out that I'm not who she needs me to be."

Em remained silent for a moment.

"This about Bella?"

I was surprised that he had even bothered to remember her name. Usually he didn't. He never needed to, seeing as I went through women like used tissues. Always had. Always would. No pair of deep brown eyes would ever change that.

"She deserves someone who she can trust. Who won't fuck round on her. She's better off without me."

I kept repeating that last part, hoping to drown out the pain of something inside of me breaking over and over again, but it just didn't work.

"Did she break up with you?" When I didn't answer, he went on. "Did she catch you sleeping around on her?"

Of course he jumped to the obvious conclusion. And why not, I had never given anyone any reason to believe differently.

"Talk to me, man, what went down? I mean it's not like she shouldn't have seen it coming. Can't teach an old dog new tricks, eh?"

Suddenly his words made me angry, so fucking pissed off that I felt like punching him, but my attempt to lunge towards him only ended with me sprawling on the floor, my coordination all but gone. Em reached for me to draw me back into a sitting position, but my flailing arms kept him from touching me.

"Shit, get a grip on yourself! She's just a girl! You'll find plenty others once you're sober again. And take a shower, because you reek of booze and shit I don't even wanna know about."

"She's not just a girl!" I screamed, glaring at him once my eyes would focus. "And just so you know, I didn't fuck anyone except her in ages. I would never do that to her!"

"Easy, man, calm down! Tell me what exactly is your problem then?"

"I'm the problem, don't you see? I'm a step away from a fucking whore, and she deserves someone so much better than me!"

My shout seemed to echo through the large room long after I had shut up again, haunting my addled brain. It made me want to bash my head in, but suddenly my limbs weighed too much, and I was barely able to slide down until I was more lying than sitting up.

"She deserved someone better than me," I repeated for the hundredth time, losing myself in the sound of my own voice. Em replied something that I didn't want to listen to, and after a while I heard him get up. This time when he offered me the coffee I took it, but it seemed to turn to bile in my mouth when I realized it was black, no cream, no sugar. Just like Bella always drank it. Not even hurling the cup away from me and burning my hand in the process could help me ignore the way my heart seemed to seize up at the realization.

Em was wise enough to leave me wallowing on the floor then after he had mopped up the spilled coffee, and he mostly ignored my continued rambling. After a while he returned, then dragged me to my feet and outside into the fresh air.

I didn't have much recollection of how I got home, but Emmett made sure that I drank another coffee followed by a bottle of water with some Tylenol before he told me to sleep it off. I tried to protest but was out cold before he had left, which was probably for the best.

I didn't dream, but when I woke up again, with a splitting headache no less, my mind was alive with thoughts. Memories. Of her. Smiling, laughing, taunting me, ignoring me, getting mad at my antics. Her lips, her eyes, her tits, how she seemed to melt into the pillows after I made her come on my tongue and fingers -

I just wanted to curl up and die, but a few violent heaves got me stumbling to the bathroom, where I spent the next hours sitting on the cold tiles, thinking of her.

I really hadn't wanted to go. The temptation to gather her in my arms and fall asleep wrapped around her had been so strong. To wake up later and go for round two, maybe a little slower to draw out her satisfaction instead of just pushing her to come fast. To see her smile and hear her moan, to let her do with me whatever she wanted – but I couldn't do it.

I knew I was wrong for her, and going now before she grew too attached to me was the only thing I could do.

I had no idea what exactly happened to tick her off like that, but it wasn't too hard to piece it together from what she had screamed at me and accused me off. If I had ever thought it possible for her to run into those vapid bitches I would have told her about their habit of telling tales about me. I probably should have told her anyway, but at the time it seemed inconsequential. She knew I had been rather promiscuous for years, and if she really believed that stopped at the doors of the gym, she had been truly naïve.

Or she had just wanted to believe in the good in me. Not that there was anything to actually believe in.

She was better off without me. I knew it. She would soon find someone to wash away the memories of our time together. Someone who saw how beautiful she was, and who valued her intelligence, and who wouldn't drag her down. I hated that lucky fucker already, but she deserved to be with someone who didn't make her doubt herself all the time.

I wished that guy could have been me, but as that was impossible, I figured I might as well move on. Only that I couldn't. Because I already knew that no other woman would ever compare to her. And truth be told, I didn't even want to move on. I wanted to go back to her and apologize – but of course I couldn't. I had done the only decent thing and walked out of her life, so she could find someone better.

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**I know, short chapter - but you'll get ch 14 tomorrow. I'm going to post each day this week!**


	14. Chapter 14

Long A/N - I know - but please read!

First off, thank you everybody for loving this story so much and getting so worked up over the characters :) Also, I think several of you got my last A/N wrong, I didn't get a SINGLE bad review, I was just very sad about how much some of you hated what Bella in particular did. Of course I don't want to tell you how to read my story, but I think that some of you didn't understand how things got all twisted up. Or you simply belong to the readers who always love Edward and hate Bella, but I don't think that's the case.

So, let's quickly sum up where B is coming from - maybe this will make more sense then!

Bella's a geeky, bright girl who doesn't really have that many social connections, aka vapid gossiping friends - Rose and Carmen generally don't play so many games as you might have seen in the few occasions they got to speak their minds. She doesn't date often, and her last longer relationship was with a guy she was friends with before, so the whole dating thing is quite new to her, at least when it comes to losing her head over it. She's a programmer, her mind's used to acting logical - and love, of all things, is entirely illogical. Then she meets Edward, who she feels a lot of things for that she's not familiar with; insane, unpredictable, unprecedented attraction (which is mutual but she doesn't know that). After a little to and fro they finally get onto a sort of common ground and they have their 'come over for coffee at my place' date. So far, so easy. That's where the problems begin.

Yes, she has certain expectations of him and what's to come, but COME ON, if a hot guy who's riding that whole sexy beast vibe asks you over, what do you presume will happen? But she's happy to wait a while and start their little experimenting with building tension and prolonging sensations, aka tantric sex (which yes, you might have guessed it, usually involves sex right from the start). But he's holding her at arm's length for weeks, she gets antsy. Why is he doing that to her? He has never done that with anyone before. He obviously wants her but doesn't take that last step. She's entitled to wonder. Also, when she realizes he tries to shut both himself and her off from his previous life when he didn't tell her about Anette's gig, but then sees a new, carefree, joyful side of him, she knows he's keeping himself from some things that she believes he needs to be whole. So she pushes, simply to get a reaction, and they _do_ make some progress.

The whole gym thing wasn't her idea. I think it's entirely possible she even expected something like that to happen. What she heard cut right through her fragile trust, fed her insecurities, and she lost it - but then who is entirely rational when madly in love for the first time ever? They both messed up with that, to equal parts. He didn't trust her, either, or else he wouldn't have left her there convinced he _had_ to go.

He also never told her how he felt about her. Yes, you all know that he's crazy about her, she's like the air he needs to breathe to him, but that's because you read half of the story from his POV. She has every right to be unsure if she's just a fling to him, or a kind of test subject for his restraint, as someone so wonderfully pointed out. Most women NEED to hear a confirmation of a man's feelings for them to actually let themselves believe what they hope is true. She never got that. She was probably hoping for that after they finally had sex, but all he did was blow her off. For her own good, no less.

In a way they are both two sides of the same coin. They have a past that is haunting their present lives. They don't know how to handle the emotional maelstrom they got sucked into. They are not the most confident people in the world. They wouldn't need much to break their habit - but instead of perfect bliss they dragged each other forcefully into their own respective hell. There's no good or bad, right or wrong there - just two people acting like people in love act - irrationally.

I hope that clears things up a little.

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Chapter 14**

**BPOV**

I had somewhere read that elephants could die of heartache. I didn't know if I should have been glad not to be an elephant, but right then dying seemed like a probable end to my weekend.

I cried. A lot. And it didn't help one bit to alleviate the burning pain wedged right in the middle of my chest. Soon I ran out of tissues so I had to blow my nose with toilet paper as there was no way I would leave the house ever again. It wasn't like I needed anything else as all I could do was sit on the couch and cry.

I called in sick on Monday, still not able to drag my sorry ass out of my own misery. Rose tried calling a few times but I never picked up, and she was thankfully not stupid enough to show up here in person. Even two days after he had walked out of my life I still felt as raw as during the first hours alone, but at least the tears stopped flowing eventually. I even managed to take a shower and dress in something else than my pajamas, although the sweat pants and tank top weren't much of an improvement.

On Tuesday I called work again, explaining that I felt like crap – which wasn't a lie – and my boss gave me permission to work from home the whole week long. Staring at the code I should have been working on I decided that I needed some food and maybe a little more distraction than mind-numbing compiling. Even more so that I would just have to repeat everything I did today if it turned out wrong.

My fridge was nearly empty but I could still scrape together the ingredients for good ol' mac n cheese. It was hands down _the_ proverbial comfort food, and exactly what I needed. The whole time it backed in the oven I remained sitting in the kitchen, just waiting for it to be done while my mind was, for once, blissfully empty.

Once I got my plate piled high with steamy goodness I retreated into the living room and turned on the TV, zapping through the channels until I found a mindless sitcom to enjoy my food with. As awful as I felt it still tasted delicious, and at least for a while chased the dark, lurking thoughts away.

I spent the rest of the day like that, zapping from one channel to the next, never staying on one for long. MTV was playing Adele's 'Chasing Pavements' and I stopped there for a moment, letting the images of the video wash over me. I'd always loved the song, but just then it felt like it only made my heart bleed worse. It was then that I realized just how much I missed Edward – and not just in a physical sense. I had to switch channels again before the end of the song as after the second repetition of the chorus it seemed to be mocking me – but I didn't have the energy to even contemplate whether I should maybe try to call him, try to fight for him, or not. His words had sounded so final, cold, calculating – yet I couldn't forget the look of sorrow in his eyes.

But if he didn't mean it, why did he say all those things? Why did he leave me? It just made no sense.

Wednesday I started to feel vaguely like myself again. I made myself some coffee and got some work done, took out my trash, and tried to read a bit, but had to give up on that. I still didn't call Rose back but texted her that I was up for our usual Thursday night shenanigans. I hoped that by then the pain would have given way to numbness.

Sadly, it wasn't so.

I still forced myself to put on some make-up and wear something that didn't look like a sack on me before I left the house to meet with Rose and Carmen. When I smiled at myself in the mirror it looked like a grimace, so I decided it was probably for the best if I tried not to use it too much.

On my way to the restaurant I was meeting the girls at – il Buco on 47 Bond Street – I stopped at the coffee shop, my throat clenching so much that for a few moments I had trouble breathing. I was just about to go inside, to proof myself that I would not change my whole life because one stupid guy had left me, when I heard someone call my name.

My heart skipped a beat, and for a moment I was sure it was Edward. It was our coffee shop after all, who else should be waiting for me there?

But when I turned around to the source of the voice, I already knew that it wasn't Edward. It was Jake.

As in Jake, my ex boyfriend. As in the man who had been my first true love. As in the guy who broke my heart, but who I let go because there was no reason to fight for him as there was nothing left that still constituted as a relationship. I hadn't seen him in ages, but he barely looked a day older than I remembered. The Hawaiian sun had bronzed his usually tanned skin a warm brown, and his smile was as bright as ever.

"Jake?" I asked, more to say something than needing verification. A moment later I found myself swept up into a bear hug, his scent that I still associated with warm summer days on the beach assaulting me.

"How are you? Christ, it must have been what, more than a year since I last saw you?"

I nodded numbly, then tried to answer his beaming smile with a more subdued one myself.

"I guess. I'm fine, how are you? I thought you were still surfing and diving in Hawaii?"

"Ah, yeah, I took a break, things were a little crazy." Which I figured meant that whoever he had been bunking with had kicked him out. Jake was a nice guy, but I knew that he wasn't exactly domesticated, so to say.

"Well, nice to see you here. I really need to go now, but if you're staying in town for longer, give me a call, will you?"

It wasn't as if I didn't enjoy his company, but right now I felt like his smile was suffocating me, and I had no intention of letting him see just how off I was at the moment.

"Wait, where are you going? Because if you're meeting with Rose, she called me earlier and asked me to join you, so we can go there together, just like old times, right? I'd really love to hang out with you girls, catch up, you know?"

Sighing, I shook my head, then shrugged.

"Sure, tag along. But do you really want to hang around and listen to us and our girl talk?"

Of course he didn't get the hint, and also seemed oblivious that I tried to step away from him before he could sweep me into another hug.

"Oh, I know you girls, and I've missed you, I'm sure I'll fit right in!"

And there I had thought my day couldn't get worse. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him, but I knew that sooner or later one of the girls would let something slip, and Jake was the last person on Earth I wanted to lose it in front of.

Half an hour later we had joined the others at the table in the restaurant, and one look at Rose's too bright smile told me I had been right – it was no coincidence that Jake was here. Carmen couldn't even look me in the eye, for whatever reason, and I busied myself with studying the menu and looking at the rustic décor around us.

Making small talk nearly killed me, but while Jake kept asking me why I was so quiet tonight, I had to admit that his easy way was slowly dragging me out of the black hole I had been stewing in since Edward had walked out of my life. I was still happy when he finally announced that he had to step outside for a quick smoke so that I could let the fake smile disappear from my face.

He hadn't yet made it out of the room when I rounded on Rose, meeting her level stare head-on.

"Rose, what the fuck? Why is he here, of all people?"

"Sheesh, Bella, get a grip, Jake just happened to be in town and I -"

"Don't bullshit me! You owe me an explanation!"

I was actually surprised when she looked a little uncomfortable, and the way Carmen glared at her when she didn't answer immediately made me realize that this had to reach farther than I expected.

"Okay, I admit, I might have insinuated to him that you might be very happy to see him again ..."

"You what?"

"It's not like that," Carmen interjected, but she looked away when I stared at her instead. "Rose called Jake last Sunday, just for a quick chat, and he mentioned that he was right now staying with his dad up in Washington. She might have elaborated a bit when she said that all of us, you especially, would be happy to see him, so he exchanged his return ticket to Hawaii for a round-way one with a quick stop here. No big deal."

"You might want to check the rates for a one-way ticket there, too. I happen to know that they have some great last minute offers at the moment," Rose added, before she hid behind her wine glass while acting all nonchalant.

I looked from one of them to the other, then picked up my napkin from my lap and threw it onto the empty table in front of me.

"You two are out of your minds! Just what have I done to you that you think you can just decide things for me over my head!"

"No one is deciding anything," Carmen tried to calm me a little. "But it's been a while since you were on vacation, and maybe hanging around with Jake might take your mind off other things."

"Has it ever occurred to you that I hate that kind of meddling? And Jake is about the last person I want to be around with right now!"

Rose rolled her eyes at me but kept her mouth shut, leaving Carmen to try to calm me.

"Look, you didn't answer any of our calls so we figured it wasn't hard to guess what went down on Saturday. And while he's not God's gift to mankind, Jake is a nice guy. You always got along well, and considering your latest stroke of luck we thought that maybe he'd be the right one for a rebound -"

She cut off suddenly and plastered a smile onto her face, both telling me that Jake was returning to our table. I cursed myself inwardly for missing my chance to get away without having to explain anything, but at least tried to remain civil. I didn't know what was worse, though, the fact that Rose and Carmen thought they needed to play match-maker, or that Jake might consider me fair game.

It got considerably harder to retain my calm, as in the light of the knowledge I had just gained, Jake's every smile and remark seemed like a very blunt way of him trying to hit on me, and that was really the last thing I needed. I tried to ignore him, but some of his jokes reminded me of the good times we had together, which for some reason reminded me of Edward, and that really didn't help. Before long I was itching to get away from the confines of our table, and I was ready to bolt once we were outside the restaurant again.

"Bella, come on, don't be such a spoil-sport, you can't leave yet!" Jake was just then whining in an attempt to be funny.

"I should really go home, you know? I need to get up early for work tomorrow -"

"Nonsense!" Rose interjected, a suddenly cruel smile on her face. "You can do that from home, too. And we really have to show Jake this new club we found just recently ..."

This couldn't be happening. I must have slipped and hit my head, because there was no way Rose could actually be so mean to me. I started shaking my head, trying to convey the message with my eyes and a not so subtle finger drawn across my throat, but she just ignored me. And try as I might, they wouldn't take no for an answer, and when I attempted to bolt, Rose and Jake both took one of my arms each and started ragging me along to _Afterlife_.

At least the club was aptly named, because tonight I knew that hell was waiting for me inside.

It was stuffy, it was loud, it was crowded, and I didn't even have to look to know who was lurking in the shadows behind the turntables. I knew it was him because tonight the universe was out to get me, for whatever reason.

While Rose and Jake made for the bar I was left behind with Carmen at the table we had found in the corner – a small relief at least – and she didn't waste any time once Jake was out of earshot.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't know this would upset you so much or else I would have talked Rose out of this."

The temptation to get into her face was strong, but most of my earlier fight had left me, and I was too tired to put on a show now.

"It's okay, I know you meant well. Just – stop pushing any guys at me. I really don't need this right now."

She nodded, then hugged me briefly. I nearly started to cry, but weirdly enough had no tears left anymore.

"Sure. But we thought you must be so frustrated after that Eward guy held out on you so long, so maybe a quick fling just to take the edge of -"

"We fucked. For your information, there's absolutely no itch here that needs to be scratched."

"You did?" She sounded genuinely surprised, the crease between her eyebrows deepening. I had to remind myself that they both had no way of knowing what had really happened, so it wasn't fair of me to get offended at their good intentions.

"Yes, we did. That's the problem."

"But I thought that after you ran off you'd break up with him, for, you know, sleeping around on you and all that."

I sighed, feeling my throat go tight, but I forced myself to answer her.

"No. Turned out those stupid cunts were only telling lies to appear better to their bored-out-of-their-minds friends. We -" I stopped, needing a few steady breaths to keep the tears from coming forth. "We talked about that, and I might have been acting a little on the hysterical side. And after accusing him that he was fucking everyone but me we kind of, well, remedied that – and then he walked out on me because he has this stupid rule where he only fucks a girl once before he moves on, and I can't believe I've been acting so fucking stupid."

I let my forehead touch down on my hands that rested on the table for a moment after I hissed out the string of words as fast as I could. I didn't care if Carmen even understood half of it, but admitting what I had done – not trusting him, more or less pushing myself at him until he felt I was just using him – made me feel even worse right now.

"He what?"

Taking a shaking breath, I looked up at Carmen again.

"He fucked me, and then he left me. End of story. And if you need to know, yes, I've been crying myself stupid for the last few days, so your little plan with Jake and then dragging me here? So not working."

She actually had the tact to look horrified, but before she could answer, Rose and Jake were back, and I did my best to pretend I was enjoying myself. Downing two margaritas – mine and Carmen's – in quick succession helped a little.

Before long Rose was drawing Carmen onto the dance floor, presumably because she really liked that song, but it wasn't lost on me that this incidentally left Jake and me alone at the table. He also wasted no time, his hand appearing on my thigh no two minutes after the girls had left.

I sighed loudly before I turned to him, scooting to the side to dislodge his fingers from my leg.

"Jake, look, I know Rose possibly hinted that I might be in need of some, you know, affection, but I'm really not interested. Sorry."

I expected his usual puppy dog eyes to tear at my heart, but this time I was mostly annoyed when he seemed to think he could garner some attention by using them on me. I also didn't want to talk any more with him, but running away would only lead to Rose concocting another plan, that I was sure of. So I did the only other thing I could think of.

"Wanna dance?"

He was clearly surprised by my question, but after a moment of hesitation he got up. "Sure."

My stomach compacted itself into a tight knot as I followed him out onto the dance floor, but at least the blare of the music made talking virtually impossible. Yet as I started to move with him, I realized I had forgotten one detail – dancing so close made it really easy for him to 'accidentally' touch me a lot more than I invited him to.

My predicament worsened when I turned my back on Jake, trying hard to ignore his hand on my hip, and found Edward staring at me from across the room.

I felt my body grow still, time seeming to slow down around me. Or maybe everything just lost focus, and the only thing I could still concentrate on where his light brown eyes, staring at me. His face was blank but his gaze was livid, and after a few seconds that dragged on forever the pain tugging on my insides turned to anger.

He had rejected me, he was the one to walk away, not me, and now he had the audacity to look at me like that? I really didn't think so.

Jake didn't need much incentive to let his other hand join the first one on my hips – in fact it was enough for me not to pry them away from me – and a moment later I felt his body flush with mine, my shoulder blades rubbing against his chest while his thighs brushed against my ass. And not just his thighs, as I realized quickly.

The thought of my ex grinding his hard-on into me while I was glaring at the man I'd rather jump right then made me laugh, and for a moment I reveled in the center of their attention. I loved the way Jake's every touch seemed to increase the jealousy plain on Edward's face now as he quickly lost his calm. It was good to be wanted. Needed. Desired.

At least until I realized that in the end they both had rejected me, one way or another, and while this game I was trying to play might have paid off right now, I would still be utterly alone at the end of the night, at least emotionally.

I was suddenly sick of it all – of Jake groping me, of Edward staring at me as if I still belonged to him while he had never staked that claim at all, of my own need for validation – and before I could break down here with hundreds of people pitying me, I did the one thing I could still do – I ran.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**EPOV**

I was in hell.

A hell where I couldn't drink myself into a stupor because I had promised Em that I would make an appearance before the weekend. A hell where several women tried to throw themselves at me but their fake smiles and even faker tits just made me sick. A hell where suddenly the only thing I would ever want in my life was here – and not only could I not have her, no, I had to watch while she let some guy feel her up on the dance floor.

I knew I had no justification for my jealousy. I was the one who shoved her away, not she me, and I told her not to call me. Still, I had never thought her capable of being so cruel to come here, no less on a night I was working, to flaunt herself in front of me in a way that she must have known would drive me insane.

I didn't deserve her, and I knew it was for her best that I stayed out of her life, but seeing her like that nearly killed me.

And suddenly she was gone, leaving that hulking oaf behind, and me fuming where I stood. Craning my neck, I caught a glimpse of her before she disappeared in the crowds near the door. I only hesitated for a moment, then ran after her, shouting in passing to Mike to take over my place.

Bella had a head start but I saw her turning a corner at the end of the street once I was outside, the cool night air doing nothing to calm me. I didn't even know at whom I was angry – probably more at myself than her – but I knew I couldn't just let her go. So I followed her.

I lost sight of her after the next intersection, but I already knew where she was heading – her apartment was in the other direction, and as she was clearly out to torment me more, it made sense she would go to the one place in this forsaken city where I couldn't enter without my heart clenching and my stomach upturning.

Slowing down, I tried to make up my mind what to say to her – I wanted to call her out on flaunting herself that way with that guy, I wanted to demand what I had done to her that suddenly she had to get out the big guns – but my anger dissipated when I saw her through the window of the coffee shop. She wasn't smirking, she wasn't laughing over how stupid and gullible I was.

No. Bella was crying.

I don't know how long it took me to tear myself out of my stupor and walk into the shop – several minutes probably. I still didn't know what I would say once I reached her, but I had to do something. Picking up a cup of her usual coffee, I slowly walked up to her, my chest so tight that each slow inhale hurt.

She didn't look up when I approached although I saw her shoulders tense between the silent sobs, telling me that she was aware of my presence. She also didn't move when I set the coffee down next to her, ignoring the foaming atrocity she had apparently ordered before.

"I wouldn't drink that if I were you. You'd probably fall into a sugar-induced coma."

Slowly she raised her head, the motion sweeping her long hair out of her face. Her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks wet, but when she looked into my face her own turned into an angry grimace.

"What do you want, Edward? Are you still not done being a total prick?"

My spine went rigid at her acidic tone, but I knew I deserved it. That, and so much more. If I were a greater man I would never have approached her here, but the fact was, I just wasn't, and seeing her like this nearly killed me all over again.

"I'm sorry."

I knew those words were insignificant, meaningless in the face of what had happened, and I instantly wished I hadn't opened my mouth when I saw her cringe, then look to the side, everywhere but at me.

"What are you sorry for? I think you made it abundantly clear that we're done. No hard feelings, no regrets, right?"

Swallowing thickly, I indicated the chair on the other side of her small table instead of answering.

"Mind if I take a seat?"

"Please, go ahead, it's a free country," she snorted, the last word half drowned by a hiccup. I could see that she was getting worked up, and I figured it was better to have her angry than crying.

She seemed to withdraw from me when I sat down, which made me feel even worse. I knew that the decent thing would have been to get up and walk out of her life forever, but I just couldn't. Even if she hated me now, I had to set things straight, or else the guilt would haunt me for years.

"Bella, listen, can we talk?"

"I thought we were already having a conversation."

"I meant talk about last Saturday."

For the first time she really looked at me then, and I hated how vulnerable she was behind her mask of rage.

"I wouldn't know what else there is to say about that. You were quite eloquent before you left."

Taking a deep breath, I tried to reach for her hand but she pulled it away, her eyes narrowing.

"I know. And I was a complete ass. I'm sorry."

She stared at me for several heartbeats, her red eyes trained on my face as if she was trying to discern whether I really meant it or not.

"Yes, you were. In fact you still are, if you really think you can just run after me and pretend that nothing happened."

I knew I deserved her scorn, but it still hurt to see her so cold. I think I would have preferred her screaming at me, but she sounded calm, maybe even a little detached.

"I know," I repeated. "And I'm not pretending anything. I came here to apologize. And to make sure that you're okay."

Which wasn't that much of a lie, considering that I _needed_ to know that she was okay, it just hadn't been my plan in the first place. But that had been before I saw what a mess she was.

"Seriously?"

Scorn was dripping from that single word, but I much preferred that to her previous calm.

"Yes. If you will let me."

"No, I mean are you seriously asking if I'm okay? After you told me I'm just one of your many, many conquests and that you don't want to see me ever again?"

There was nothing I could say to that so I remained silent, my lack of an answer only enraging her further.

"I don't want your pity, Edward, so fuck off!"

I swallowed thickly and caught her gaze again, trying hard to convey with my eyes what I couldn't quite put in words.

"I'm not here to pity you. I would never pity you. I just -" I cut myself off, then started anew. "I'm a fool. I shouldn't have said any of those things. You deserve so much better."

"Yes, I do," she agreed, but before she could go on, a sob shook her whole body, sending new tears rolling down her cheeks. I just couldn't watch her like that, and before I knew It, I was on the bench beside her, hugging her close to comfort her the only way I knew how to. She tried to push me away for a moment but then clung to me, her whole body shaking as she let go.

I don't know how long I held her like this, burying my face in her hair while I felt weirdly happy to just be close to her, even though the circumstances were less than pleasant. That made me feel even worse, as if the fact that I was the reason for her misery wasn't enough already.

Finally she pulled back a little so she could look into my face, her hands still bunched up in my shirt.

"Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I have to care for the one guy who just doesn't want me?"

It shouldn't have felt so good to hear her say those words, but I couldn't stop the flutter of hope in my stomach.

"Bella, I had to. I'm not good for you. You deserve someone else. Someone who isn't as fucked up as I am."

"But I don't want anyone else!" she wailed, clutching me harder. "And I don't give a shit about your insane self-flagellation! You're not a bad person, Edward, and I'm not some seventeen year old git who can't think for herself! Why do you even think it's your job to protect me from what you see as yourself?"

I had no answer to that, but she didn't expect one. Suddenly agitated, she straightened, then let go of me.

"Don't get me wrong, you're an ass. For pulling that stunt on me alone I should hate you. But in a way it all makes sense, you know? You just can't deal with the fact that for once, someone got under your skin, that someone actually cared for you, and now you're afraid you'll get hurt. So you lash out and run. Does that really work for you?"

Again her words left me dumbstruck, and it took me a while to come up with an answer.

"I really don't know. I -" sighing heavily, I shook my head. "Wanna come over to my place? To talk?"

Bella considered my offer, then took the cup of black coffee and drank half of it in one go.

"I thought you didn't do that whole talking with a girl after you've fucked her."

"I don't."

"Then why -"

I didn't wait for her to finish the sentence, but instead leaned down and kissed her. She kept protesting for a moment but then relaxed, her soft lips moving against mine in turn. When I pulled back her eyes were still on my face, huge and wide.

"Because you aren't just any girl."

Her hesitation made me want to fidget, but then she nodded, and taking the coffee she got up.

"Okay. Let's go."

I followed her outside, quickly catching up to her, and when she kept looking at me I wrapped my fingers loosely around her hand. She smiled, then tightened the grip. It was just a simple gesture, but the way she looked at me turned it into the most important thing in my world.

We didn't talk on the way over to my condo, but it was a comfortable silence. My mind was both numb and running wild with thoughts – I knew I would have to explain things to her, things I didn't even know how to put into words, but her mute acceptance of my attempt to try and get there gave me strength.

Once we were settled on the couch with two glasses of wine and soft music playing in the background, Bella finally spoke up.

"Now tell me exactly what was going on in your mind last weekend? And stop with the bullshit that you don't deserve me. Remember what you told me when I acted like that?"

I nodded but lowered my gaze, staring at her knee close to my own instead of her expressive eyes.

"The truth?"

"Please."

Keeping my head down, I felt a grin tug on the corner of my mouth when she reached over and entwined her fingers with mine again. Finding the strength to look up I regarded her face somberly before I answered.

"Bella, I'm not the man you see in me. I tried to change, I tried to make a difference, but I think it's plain that I can't. A woman like you deserves someone who loves her and cherishes her, and who doesn't give her any cause for grief."

"And you can't be that man?" she replied, her features cautiously contained.

"Isn't it obvious that I can't? Even when I don't sleep around on you you still have ample reason to believe that I cheat. There will always be someone who knows me from before, or some woman who is hitting on me because someone told her I'm a good lay without complications. You have all the reasons in the world to stay away from me."

"Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to stay away from you?"

Her words thrilled me, but at the same time made me sad.

"You didn't look like you felt that way when I walked out on you."

"That's because you first fucked my brains out and then whacked me over the head by spewing that crap at me! How should I have reacted? Said 'yay me!' and be happy?"

I wanted to protest but her raised hand kept my mouth shut, the sudden intensity in her gaze nearly overwhelming.

"Edward, I know that I should maybe, rationally, run for the door and never look back. And I have to admit that I was somewhat all over the place that day, first feeling like you cheated on me, which soon changed to feeling like you simply didn't appreciate me, but the fact is that -"

She stopped there, casting around for words, before she squeezed my hand.

"The fact is, what I feel for you isn't rational. It's crazy and impulsive, hot and needy, it makes me want to bite the head off every bitch who even dares look at you, but at the same time when I'm with you, I feel special. Different. I know that the guy you tried to be for me isn't who you really are. I don't care. I don't want to be with a person you have to make up to feel worthy of me. Or I of you. I just want to be with you, the real Edward. And I know that while not perfect, you _are_ someone who I want to be with."

I so wanted to believe her words, but just couldn't. I didn't understand why she still wanted to be with me, but it was obvious that she didn't think clearly.

"Please stop. You're just putting yourself up for more disappointment. And you have no idea who the real me is. You can't, because not even I do."

"Then let's find out together?"

I nodded but must have seemed less than convinced because a few moments later she let go of my hand and climbed onto my lap so that she was straddling me, her face right in front of my own. Acting on impulse I drew her closer, then let my hands rest on her hips. The traces of tears from before were gone, but she wasn't smiling brightly like I had expected. In a way, her somber look made her sound a lot more sincere.

"I really mean it when I say I want to be with you and help you find yourself. Find that inner balance you told me you were looking for. I just know that while you maybe think you have to be some sort of ascetic monk, that's just not you. The same as the promiscuous college boy DJ isn't you, at least not anymore. Maybe the truth lies somewhere in between? Why not take the best of both worlds and make it yours?"

"Do you think it's that easy?"

She laughed, the sound washing over me warmly.

"Nothing's ever that easy. But it's a start. And I say we wing it from there. What do you think?"

"I think that you're a wonderful woman."

"And?" she asked, her voice becoming a little teasing.

"And I really want to know who that guy was that was groping you at the club. I feel like tearing his head off for touching you."

"That was my ex. Maybe you understand now how I was feeling about you on Saturday?"

"I always understood why you were so pissed off because of what you heard about me. I just didn't expect you to jump to the conclusions you did so readily."

"Was that why you left me? Because I didn't trust you? I know I was wrong."

"No." Sighing, I shook my head. "I left you because I didn't trust myself to live up to the image of the man I wanted you to see in me."

"But you really didn't sleep with any of them for months."

I shook my head.

"What's the problem then? I mean I over-reacted because I was insecure, you over-reacted because you were insecure, we were both fucking idiots, I say we just forget about that and try to make it better? Maybe voice our issues next time before we walk out on each other?"

"If you think that's what you want."

She cocked her head, then leaned towards me to place the lightest of kisses on my lips, but turned away before I could deepen it.

"What I want is you. There's nothing rational about it, nothing sane or planned, I know that there's a possibility that we won't work out, that for whatever reason, we're both deluding ourselves here. But I say, let's try, and have as much fun as we can together. If you still want me, that is."

"I will never not want you," I told her, already lost in the deep pools of her chocolate eyes. She rewarded me with a gentle smile that kept spreading, then leaned into me, this time without moving away again.

"Then show me, and maybe if you do a good job convincing me, I might just forgive you for being such a prick last week."

I might not deserve her, but I knew that I couldn't stay away from her, not when she wouldn't let me. And right now, staying away from her was the farthest thing from what I wanted.


	16. Chapter 16

**Now what's that, an unexpected chapter 16? **

**Thank you all for your incredible feedback and love of my little tale here! Please enjoy! This one's just for you!**

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**Chapter 16**

**EPOV**

Bella closed her eyes when our lips met, then moaned when I teased hers open with my tongue. Stroking her side slowly, I let myself deepen the kiss, savoring the moment, wishing it would never end. There was no haste in either of us, only a simmering desire that slowly rose as grief, anger and frustration dissipated.

As our kiss went on and she started to utter these adorable low noises I felt my cock stir, and for the first time there was no sense of regret welling up in the back of my mind. Yes, I wanted her, truly _wanted_ her, just like she wanted me. All of me, not just a fleeting first impression and a promise for a quick fuck, but all there was to me, the good and the bad.

It was then that I realized that for the first time ever, I felt _loved_.

That must have given me more pause than I realized because Bella pulled away, her eyes fluttering open before they focused on my face, the lightest of frowns on her forehead.

"Something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong," I replied, then couldn't hold back a delighted laugh. "Actually, everything's right."

Her answering smile made me grin in return, then kiss her again, a little more fervently. That is, until her cell phone started ringing with the most annoying tone I'd heard in months. I did my best to ignore it, and when I felt Bella tense up with what I presumed was the intent to push away from me so she could answer it, I tried to distract her, but to no avail.

"I really need to get that," she huffed, her tone pressed and annoyed.

"No, you don't. Whoever it is can call you tomorrow."

"You don't understand, that's Rose and if I don't -"

After recognizing her friend's name I decided that she could, indeed, ignore the call, and letting my hand grow a little bolder kissed her in earnest, until long after the cell had finally stopped its auditory assault - only to start ringing no ten seconds later again.

This time Bella was more decisive in pushing me away, and I finally relented, letting her get up without further protest. She quickly scurried over to where she had left her bag, then glared at the still shrilling phone before she picked up, her free hand pushed into her hip.

"Tell me one good reason why I'm even still talking to you?"

She listened for a moment, her jaw set and her posture stiff, half turned away from me. Anger slowly turned to incredulity, and for a moment her eyes zoomed over to me, before she stared back at the wall.

"Yeah, I'm at Edward's."

Silence.

"What do you mean, your work is done?"

This one with a hint of real strain in her voice, before she listened again.

"Seriously, what are we, like seventeen? This is not some fucking romantic comedy, bitch, this is my life! And even if it were, that stunt you pulled was a lot closer to the annoying, meddling, hateful sister-in-law than concerned friend!"

More silence, then, "Yes, I hope so too, and not just for the sake of your sorry ass!"

Bella hung up and looked about ready to throw her phone at the wall, then thought better of it and stowed it again in her bag, although after shutting it off. When she turned to me she still looked torn between anger and wonderment, but then sank back down onto the couch beside me without saying anything.

"What was that about?" I finally nudged when she remained mute and didn't look about to throw herself at me again.

"Rose, ah, she -" Bella cut off, then shook her head again. "It doesn't really make much sense, but I guess it did to her. I'm still kind of pissed at her that she more or less shoved me at my ex, but when I told her I was over at your home she started cheering and was all 'ah, I knew it would work!' - don't ask me. I'm just glad she normally doesn't do this whole intervention thing, or else she would have probably gotten me committed somewhere before."

I had to admit even I could see that logic was either flawed or very convoluted.

"I guess it doesn't matter now that it worked? Whatever 'it' is."

She grinned, then finally leaned close to me where I liked her best.

"Looks like it."

Her soft lips pressing against the side of my jaw felt wonderful, but when I tried to turn my head and capture them in a deep kiss she leaned back just enough to force me to look at her questioningly.

"So, now that we've successfully pivoted our first fight, does that mean make up sex is next?"

Throwing my head back I laughed at her teasing tone, then kissed her a lot more passionately than before.

"Only if you want to."

"Oh, I do," she quipped back, but after a moment of bright smiling her glee dimmed a little. "I just don't know if I'm quite, how shall I say, emotionally up to the task after that week I had. I feel about to burst with joy but I'm still kind of drained. Raw, even."

Kissing her more gently and slowly now, I hugged her close, letting my embrace comfort her. It wasn't like _my_ week had been full of happiness, either.

"Let's just go to bed and take it from there, okay? Right now just drifting off to sleep with you in my arms seems like the most wonderful thing in the world."

Bella smiled and let me draw her to her feet, then lead her into the adjacent room. In the end it turned out to be a little more than just cuddling but we both kept our underwear on for sleeping, with Bella borrowing a t-shirt of mine as a makeshift pajama top.

I woke up early the next morning, only a few hours after I'd fallen asleep myself. The first thing I saw was a shock of brown hair cascading over my arm, the soft caress of Bella's breath drifting over my naked chest. I watched her for a while, then gently eased her off me so I could extract myself from her and the tangled sheets and go take care of my morning business. On the way back into the bedroom I set a pot of coffee brewing, hoping I could surprise her with that.

When I slipped back in I saw that Bella had turned onto her back where she was still sleeping now, the sheets thrown off and my t-shirt ridden up to above her waist. Way above her waist as I confirmed with a stealthy glance. Just when I was about to back out of the room to let her sleep she gave the most adoring sigh, followed by a barely audible moan.

"Edward, please ..."

For a moment I thought she was awake after all but her eyes were shut firmly, and the rhythm in which her chest rose and fell was too slow for that. Of course my cock was standing at attention immediately upon her moaning my name, and I figured I might just wake her up with something else than coffee.

I took my time crawling back onto the back, moving slowly to keep from waking her up before I was ready. Last night she had seemed somewhat embarrassed at her cotton panties, but right now I didn't mind, as the soft, not skin tight material let me slide my hand inside without pinching her awake.

I was delighted if not that surprised to find her wet already, and when I gently slid my fingers over her pussy lips before circling her clit, Bella rewarded me with another of those incredibly sexy moans. Leaning down I gently nudged her chin, then placed butterfly kisses all over her collar bones and neck while my fingers kept exploring further. I couldn't tell the exact moment she actually woke up, but she gradually eased herself further into my insistent, light touches.

By the time my lips find hers her eye lids were fluttering open but she closed them again when I stroked my tongue into her mouth, letting it slide sensually over hers. Pressing her lips more firmly against mine I felt one of her hands run up my back, playing with the bumps of my spine. I took my time wishing her a good morning with actions rather than words, but once I felt her body come alive, pushing back against me, demanding, I didn't tease her unnecessarily anymore.

Leaving her shirt still covering her breast I inched my way down over her body, placing a few soft kisses and gentle nibs along my path. Her panties were soaked by the time I reached her pussy, and she was only too happy to raise her hips so I could slide them off her legs.

Once my lips and tongue found her clit Bella seemed as awake as I was, at least judging from her whimpers and moans, and I pushed two of my fingers into her to increase the volume of her feedback. Which worked perfectly, I had to say, increasing my own hard-on to the point where I felt I really _needed_ relieve.

Bella was only moderately distraught when I stopped pleasuring her with my tongue to instead crawl up her body to kiss her mouth. She moaned against my lips while her hands tore at my boxers, then her nimble fingers were wrapped around my hard cock and stroked me while I tried driving her crazy with my kisses on her neck.

It was enough incentive for her when I rolled over onto my back, and after minimal fumbling with a condom Bella straddled my hips, before she eased herself down onto my cock. We both moaned in unison then, hers soon morphing into a laugh, and when I tugged on her shirt she quickly took it off, baring her beautiful breasts to me.

I tried to set a slow rhythm at first, guiding her along with my hands on her hips, but it just wasn't enough, for neither one of us. Bella kept bucking her hips against me harder and faster until I let go, instead moving my hands up and down her torso and over her breasts, playing with her nipples until they were erect and begging to be sucked on.

Using my hands on her back I pulled her upper body closer to mine, the shift not only letting me wrap my lips around her nipples but also gave me a little more room to thrust up into her. Her lust filled moans and small cries urged me on, and I felt like I was in heaven when her climax gripped her hard and made her shudder and scream above me. I barely held out enough to prolong her pleasure, then came myself, probably grinning like a madman when I pulled her down onto my chest, both of us panting and happy.

This time I didn't even think about getting up, but Bella seemed reluctant to let go of me anyway where her thighs were clamped around my legs and her arm lay half under my head. Once I felt like I had enough air in my lungs to breathe evenly again I kissed her, just to show her how happy I was, but when she seemed as hesitent as I to stop, we just kept on going.

Eventually I rolled us both onto our sides and picked up where we had left of, my cock incredibly ready to be hard all over again within minutes. This time things progressed more slowly with less need for haste but a desire to fully feel and explore each other all over again, although I already knew each inch of her by heart.

By the time hunger for something else than each other drove us from our love nest the coffee had gone cold and stale, but neither of us cared. We were both too lazy to cook but too reluctant to shower and dress so I just grabbed everything moderately useful for finger food and brought it back into the bedroom, where I spent the next hour or so feeding Bella between minute long kisses.

If anyone asked me, that was truly a definition of heaven. And judging from her blissful smile, it was hers, too.

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**Tomorrow I'll post the epilogue, and on Sunday a note of how LMU came to be, and what I personally think it is.**

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	17. Chapter 17

**Epilogue**

**BPOV**

I breathed in deeply through my nose, then let the air exit my body slowly. Everything around me was alive – the way the green grass tickled my calves, the fresh soil gave way under my bare toes, the sounds of nature tempting my senses. It was tranquil and it was wonderful, and I loved every second of it.

Warm fingers slid over my own and I opened my eyes, already smiling when I turned my head and looked at Edward. As usual his hair was sticking in all directions and his eyes looked nearly golden in the sunlight slanting through the trees, but it was the expression in them that took my breath away.

Slipping my flip-flops back on I let him tug me back onto the trek that ran through the thicket, and back to the main walkway hat meandered through the park. The wind blew a couple of leaves across the path, and I watched the green dance in swirls around us as my mind wandered back to the past weeks. They had been crazy, an emotional roller-coaster ride, but they had brought us together, and for me that was all that counted.

"Why are you frowning like that?"

"I'm not frowning," I tried to evade his question, but when he halted and took my head into his hands I had to stop.

"Bella?"

"I was just thinking about how this all started. Us."

"So naturally you frown."

I shook my head at his assumption, then stepped closer to him for a long, slow kiss.

"You know, we had a rough start, but I think in the end that's the reason why we're together now."

He smiled while he let his hand trail down my arm, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Ah, I'm not sure, I still think that you're going to wake up one morning and realize that I'm just not the guy for you."

"That's never gonna happen as long as I get my morning coffee before I have to head into the shower."

He grinned, then kissed me again as he started walking, his arm staying around my waist.

"It's good to know the keys to your heard ultimately go through your stomach! A home-cooked dinner a week, coffee in the morning, and my beautiful Bella will stay with me forever!"

"I know, I'm so easy and predictable!"

His chuckle told me he got the hint, but his arm never strayed from my hips, although I thought he stealthily eyed my boobs for a moment.

Our talk then turned to other things – the news headlines, how the weather was going to be next week so we might maybe catch lunch together in the park, a new movie he wanted to see – and we walked hand in hand back to his condo, enjoying the last rays of the evening sun.

Once in the elevator things got a little more messy as he attempted to kiss me breathless again on the short trip up to his floor, but we had thankfully entangled ourselves when the doors opened, revealing Edward's neighbor with her dog just leaving the hallway. While she and Edward exchanged greetings, I crouched down to scratch Rosey behind her ear, cooing to her softly before I had to fend off some well-meant doggy kisses.

"How's my girl today, ha?"

As usual Edward got her attention diverted from me, the dog more than happy at the extra attention she got when he goofed around with her. I normally was a little afraid of animals that were large enough to reach beyond my knee, but she was always so happy to see me that I could just grin at her in turn.

Once we extricated ourselves and wished Rosie and her smiling owner a good evening we finally made it into the recluse of his closed front door, lingering just inside the condo for some nice, heated kisses. Mutually deciding to forgo dinner to have more time to spend together while we were both awake we made right for the bedroom instead of the kitchen, and it was some time until I got to curl up against Eward's warm body and fall asleep.

Waking up in his bed, the sunshine tickling my nose, with Edward's unruly hair the first thing I saw, had fast become my most favorite moment of the day.

He was still sleeping and I didn't dare move lest I wake him up, so I remained where I was, watching his chest rise and fall slowly for what felt like hours.

It had only been a few weeks since our days spent apart, but in the meantime we had made a lot of progress. I knew this wasn't a fairy tale, this was real life, and things could – and sooner or later would – happen that upset the balance in our relationship, but right now I was as happy as I had never been before.

Sure, he had a past, but it was nearly impossible to find a single man in his thirties in this city who didn't come with a lot of baggage. The simple fact was, things were great, and for me, that was enough.

"I love your smile in the morning."

"How so?" I hadn't realized he had woken up before he spoke, and I had to admit, the way he was looking at me right then made me want to forgo my morning coffee just so I could stay in bed a little longer.

"I don't know, it's hard to say. But your smile in the morning is different. Special. Maybe because it's just for me?"

I shrugged, but then moved closer to him for a long, sweet good morning kiss, bad breath be damned. Sadly, the alarm clock reminded me that I had places to be, so instead of letting the kiss turn into more, I got up, or at least tried to.

Strong arms wrapping around my waist got me back onto the bed, and I laughed delightedly when I felt his lips and tongue on my neck, peppering my skin with light kisses.

"Do you really have to go?" he whined, then heightened his efforts of persuasion.

"Yes!" I cried, not really happy.

"Just five more minutes, promise."

"Edward, we both know that if I stay in bed even one more minute I will be late. Hours late!"

"Somehow I don't think you'd be so devastated to spend those with me, though."

It cost me a lot to extricate myself from him again, but this time he made no effort to pull me back. Just seeing him lie on the bed, the sheets insufficiently covering his body, got me reconsidering my resolve, though.

"Bella?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

My heart made a leap in my chest that couldn't have been entirely healthy at his words, and for a moment I didn't know how to react. Edward turned onto his back, one arm lazily curled behind his head as he looked at me, a warm smile on his face.

"You don't have to answer, but I thought I should tell you. You know, maybe that will get you back into my bed?"

I knew that he was trying to lighten the mood, but the look in his eyes told my plainly just how he had meant them.

"I … I don't know what to day," I stammered out, immediately feeling like bashing my head against the wall. I _did_ know what I wanted to say, but hearing him say it first stunned me nearly into incoherency.

"How about you think of a good come-back while I do my best to make you really, really late for work?"

I didn't protest when he drew me back into his arms, the sensation of his naked body pressing against mine for once dulled by my brain working in overdrive. Still at a loss for words I let my actions speak instead, opening my lips to his eager tongue begging entrance.

What felt like minutes later I finally had to come up for air, and as usual he tried to use that to let his mouth trail from my lips over my neck to my breasts, but I stopped him halfway, staring deep into his eyes.

"You really mean that?"

"I do. Although I'm a little disappointed."

"By what?"

"That there's no rebuke from you."

"Trust me, sooner or later I will come up with something. But stunning me into incoherency is not the best thing if you're looking for some verbal sparring."

"I think I still prefer the naked, physical variant of that. You're too bright for me to ever give me a chance to -"

His works were lost when I kissed him again, molding my body into his until I couldn't get any closer anymore.

"Edward?"

"Hm?"

"I love you, too."

THE END

**

* * *

Thank you everyone for your love of this story! You were a great audience :)**

All what's left is for me to post a note tomorrow about the whys and hows of LMU's creation. If you can't think of a simple flaw I as the writer could see in the story, you should probably not read it. If you have any questions, please ask and I'll answer them in the note or my review reply!

If you feel like hunting me down, I'm back on twitter - username **dariaABD**; and since yesterday on facebook, too - **Daria Chenowith**.


	18. Chapter 18

I would like to start this off with a huge thank you - on the one hand for the wonderful five ladies who bid on me in last year's FGB auction, in so doing making this story possible. And on the other hand to all of you who read and loved the story. Thank you so much.

I had the idea for the story before I signed up for FGB, and I feel lucky that my winners let me write it. In the first draft it was meant to be darker and more sensual, but was utterly lacking any kind of plot arch, and as it evolved LMU became a lighter romantic comedy. That's how I see it, at least.

Let me start this off with a quick explanation of where I come from, and how I felt about the story and writing at the time I wrote this story, in late April to mid May.

The plot was pretty much sketched out for months by them, but my previous attempts at writing it all failed because I simply couldn't stand to write anything even remotely connected to twilight. Not even ABD. I kept trying, particularly as I didn't want to keep everyone waiting, but it just didn't work. Then along came BMBM, insisting to be written, and let's just say while leaving me absolutely drained, that 40k in 6 days _tour de force_ did a lot for my self-esteem as a writer, and also broke my block completely.

Now I don't know how many of you read 'Bend me, Break me', but it is, hands down, the story I'm most proud of. After it was finished, it left an emotional vacuum behind inside of me, and LMU had the (bad) luck of filling that void. Maybe it's simply this fact that makes me like LMU a little bit less than all of my other stories.

LMU was the hardest story I've ever written, even after I got over my block. To me it felt like I was dragging myself through molasses with every sentence, and it was a battle until the end. It was a real challenge, and now, after it is finished and fully posted, I am proud of myself for having accomplished the feat of creating it. It was something I had never attempted to write before - fluff. Yes, I know, some of you don't consider it fluff because of the amount of angst and heartfail involved, but I still think that you need some kind of tension to create a captivating plot, and love that is strong enough to overcome all obstacles is one of the key ingredients for romance for me. I'm a sucker for writing my characters and plot real, and I cut back on that on so many levels here that I couldn't do so on the main turning point of the story.

Which brings me to the next point - the construction of the story.

50k aren't a lot of words to tell a whole story, including character development and an actual plot. I'm a little grumpy because I read something similar to "too short" and "too soon" a few times in my reviews. This _is_ after all a commissioned piece of work. From what I offered in the auction I think it would have been 25k that I _had_ to write. Euphoria got me promising 40, in the end - even without the extra chapter - it was closer to 50. You probably didn't know that, which is fine, but it's a type of constraint that makes forging the story harder than just sitting down to write until, eventually, you get from start over middle to end. At least for me there's always the counter in the back, cheering me on to keep going and going and going because I have to reach that minimum of words I promised. It was an interesting and new experience for me, and something I think every writer who might one day want to get published should go through. The world of publishing is full of numbers and requirements, and actually sticking to them is harder than it looks. I still think that while the end isn't as fleshed out as it could have been, it is a good end and by far enough. Most romantic comedy movies work just like that - you only have ten minutes maximum after the main characters have overcome their obstacle, because it's a lot more rewarding for the viewer to imagine what will come than actually spell it out until the revelry of new love turns into the happy boredom of actual day-to-day life.

When I sat down and started to write the story, it had three parts in my head.

Part 1 is the beginning - we meet the characters for the first time, we learn who they are, what they do, get to know them better, eventually like them and get invested in them. This is followed by part 2, the "action" part of the plot - feeling are developed, the characters fall in love with each other, while we learn more about them, their strengths and flaws. This culminates in the turning point of the story, the question is posed whether they will work out or not - and in part 3 we have the resolution of their problems and the nice happy ending that should leave us satisfied and with a smile on our face.

Now for the hard part of planning - what exactly to write?

As I said before, I finished BMBM only days ago when I started LMU. BMBM had definitely changed my writing style, and also the way I 'see' my characters, to the point where I felt I should take a step further, leave my own comfort zone completely, and see if I could pull that off, too.

If you've read any other story of mine, you know that there are two things that I don't do: canon, and fluff. The story that's closest to Twilight that I wrote is Crush'n'Push, which has the least canon-esque characters ever. And fluff, well, I'm like the child building castles in the sand, the best part for me is to stomp on them, kick them down, and keep crushing everything until there's nothing left but chaos and destruction. In story terms, the more visceral and raw a story gets, the more I like writing it. Remember HBR chapter 26? Yes, _that Friday_. Best. Chapter. Ever. And of course the subsequent 4 that made up the rest of the day. With LMU I wanted to try something else, and not drag everyone through the emotional meat grinder. What I wrote in the end was still on the heavy side, emotionally, but on a far lighter scale than anything else I've come up with in a long time.

To keep with the 'challenge and different' theme I turned back to Twilight itself and the canon stories, and decided to write my own version of the not OOC, not any other story in a twilight fanfic setting tale. I took many of the elements I consider integral to a more canon and fluffy story, including character traits, and then made it my own.

The first complete outline was different in the "action" part 2 than what I wrote in LMU in the end. In that version, Bella and Edward wouldn't have gone through such a rough first fight but a milder version, which would have left Bella more receptive to the avances of a very different ex-boyfriend Jake. I decided against writing that because, quite frankly, I think (or is that hope?) when I start even hinting that there might be some kind of a triangle up ahead, readers will expect me to follow through with that - and there's no way I could have pulled that off canon-style, non-OOC, and in under 100k words. So Jake got turned into a one purpose only tool - which was to force B & E to knock heads so they could see reason again, and voila, happy end!

The hardest part about that challenge to myself were the characters themselves - so let's take a look at them.

Ladies first - Bella.

Bella is always harder than Edward for character creation, I have no idea why as I love writing in BPOV. So to keep with the goal of writing a more canon than OOC Bella I decided I'd give her a couple of the typical trails she usually shares with all the other Bellas - a deeply routed but absolutely unfounded insecurity; the general self-esteem to go with it, in this case low but strengthened by her being in her thirties instead of teens; a truly forgiving heart that is ready to give 2nd chances at a smile; and of course the 'can't explain why but I _need_ him' attraction for Edward. To lend her a hint of being unique I added a different job (IT programmer) while keeping the glaringly empty social life; she got a clear drive to break out of the confines of conformity (her tattoo); and to spice it all up a hint of shrew that needs to be conquered and convinced first behavior to go with my favorite stereotype of female leads in romance. I think she's a consistent character, and stands out just enough to say "Hi, I'm Bella, not _a_ Bella."

Edward.

Edward was easy. Distressingly easy. I wanted to write smut so I needed one of them to break the virgin background, so Edward for his previous player life, now reformed. His dash at being unique is clearly his change of a lifestyle (please correct me if there are any other manwhore DJs turned yoga instructor Edwards out there), while the rest is very close to how I see the typical Edward that goes with the genre. He's charming, he loses his head the very instant he meets Bella, there is no end to his self-flagellation because of things he either isn't responsible for or has already changed but cannot see himself. He even leaves her when he feels she gets too sucked into his "world" - so I even got to write my first hint of New Moon ever to write into one of my stories. I also think he's the Edward most women would want for themselves - he knows it all when it comes to sex but will stay faithful because he realized he wants love instead of one-night stands. In a way, the perfect male lead.

As for the secondary characters, the story was too short to venture out and explore the usual canon couples, so I didn't write any. To make a difference I used Rose as Bella's best friend and turned her sexual preferences around, because there were enough tips of the head towards canon already. Jake the immature sunnyboy is pretty much self-explanatory, Emmett the doormat ex-jock also, and because it's what I do, Anette is the Original Character that I now see as one of my trademarks. Like with any romance novel or movie the secondary characters are there so the main characters can shine, end of story.

The plot point was easy to discern - I like using insecurity and misunderstandings as a device to make my stories work. Why? Because it's something that we all can relate to, something that's part of us all. It has happened to everyone before, and we love seeing these conflicts that could have been avoided get resolved and overcome.

And all that taken together is Lift Me Up.

For me, the story has three different layers - The Obvious one, the Style of Writing one, and what it really means to me.

1 - the obvious.

LMU is a love story. Love is unpredictable, love can cause the greatest grief, but if it works out, it is the most wonderful thing in the world. Love stories are a roller coaster ride, they lift us up and drag us down, and in the end they leave us happy. That is what I wanted to write, and I think it worked. I sadly didn't hear back from any of my FGB buyers, but I hope they enjoyed the story as much as almost all of my readers did. I'm very grateful for that, because it means that my plan worked. I'm happy to have painted a smile on your face, and the many favorites I woke up to today underline that. Thank you.

2- the style of writing layer.

As I said before, this story was something completely different for me, and I think it works also in the background of its genre. I know it's not the best fluff or canon, maybe it's neither, but I think the characters are consistent, the story makes sense. Writing from two POVs was new for me, too, and in itself very interesting. Also in the construction - writing a complete story from start to finish without any further deviations, posting after it is complete, is something I haven't really done in twi fanfic. I know several of you liked that better than what I usually do, but I can't write my preferred length - 400k and 40 chapters - without any input from the crowd the story is in the end meant for. For me, fanfic is interactive, so you better not get used to this mode.

I think so far most things shouldn't have been entirely new. I should maybe mention that I worked a prompt from each of my buyers into the story, they should recognize it when they read it - my personal thank you for them.

If you loved the story, are convinced there is nothing negative to see and no need to critize it - stop reading here. Seriously, I don't want to rain on your parade, I love you for loving my work so much - but I might not share your opinion, and don't want to ruin it.

3 - My opinion of LMU.

Oh boy, where to start. Before I posted the story on FFn, this would have been twice as bad but you kind of made me see the good in this, and while I'm no convert, I don't feel like I defiled the legacy of my other work with it.

Harsh words? Well, yes. I'm a strong believer in being my own work's worst critic. Because if there is anything about a story that could be better, I should change it before I deliver.

So why didn't I, if I don't like what I wrote? The answer is a little more complicated.

You see, for me the challenge only started at canon and out of my comfort zone. I wanted to turn this story into an experiment. Not to make fun of anyone, please don't get me wrong - everyone is entitled to their own opinion about a story. There are no "right" ways to see it. But I wrote LMU with an ulterior motive. I simply wanted to see how far I could go and still keep everyone hooked on the story. A story I couldn't relate to _at all_.

There is nothing about me in either of the main characters. They act completely different from how I would have acted. I don't think either of them is a realistic character. As a friend of mine put it, Edward is the typical "male character written by a women" - not to say it's impossible, but usually guys don't behave like that. And Bella, I don't know. She's not much better than Edward. Not for a single line in the whole story I could really get into either of their heads, with makes the fact that I wrote and finished the story the equivalent of running a marathon without training first. For me it was a "from the outside, looking in" experience, and all the more work to write.

I don't think that changes anything about the quality of the story, or the story itself, and I hope you see it like that, too. A story is always something completely different for everyone involved, in writing, commenting, editing, and reading. It also doesn't mean that I took it lightly, or that not every word didn't come straight from my heart. Because it did, it always does, whatever I write, or else I wouldn't write it. But instead of being only a light and adorable fluff fest, the story holds a lot more for me.

I wanted to write the romance story that I think people expect when they are looking for it. I wanted to make it a little canon, and I wanted to shape people's reactions. That part actually worked a lot better than I could have hoped for. Now don't hit me if you maybe see your own reaction in this. Please keep in mind, everything in the story is a boundless exaggeration, of course, and should be viewed value free.

But shit, it's just fanfic. Sheesh. And no writer likes to read excessive hate for any of their characters. And as usual I failed horribly in my attempt to stay neutral and unoffended.

Now please don't hate me! I know that 95% of the strong reactions that I glean off my reviews hail from the fact that you LOVE the characters, are sucked deeply into the story, and plain and simple CARE. It's the number one compliment for any writer, I accept that and more often than not I'm pleased by it, too. It always makes me feel sneaky, even when it's not attempted contrary to like with LMU. But sometimes it's getting a little much, too much in fact, and here for the first time I was hoping for those reactions. Thank you for not disappointing me, it was very therapeutic.

LMU is also riddled with references to all of my other stories, a little like "Eyes Wide Shut". You probably spotted a few. For a while while writing I also pictured some of my other characters discussing the story - let's just say a HBR Jazz / Suit Guy co-commentary would have been purest crack fic. Maybe I'll write that one day, too. They'd certainly have a blast.

And yes, you should have snickered there if you've read BMBM.

To sum it up, yes, I like LMU. I'm very proud of writing it, and I love the reactions I got in return, the good and the bad. I hope you enjoyed my one time venture into the world of canon-esque fluff-esque writing, because it will remain a one time only thing (also in regards for leading you along to yield certain reactions). For me it was an experiment that went well, even great as the story it yielded is a good story. It achieved everything it should have and so much more. I guess in part I even love it.

If LMU were a movie, I would watch it from time to time with a pint of ice cream, smiling at the end while feeling a little weird for enjoying it so much. Comfort food for the soul.

Let me stress again that I don't think anything bad about any of my readers for the reviews they left. I hope you don't hate me now for telling you what the story means for me. In the end it was a complete mindfuck from the first line to the last. That's what you expect of me, or should, if you've read several of my stories. I'm utterly incapable of writing true canon, or true fluff, I know that and won't attempt it again.

* * *

Now what's up next?

Right now I'm busy writing my next FGB contribution, Suit Guy POV of BMBM, along with a handful of drabbles from that universe that get posted every day in honor of FGB until it ends. I'm having a blast, but this is heavy stuff, and consequently seeing LMU ease into it's happy end was a nice touch. If you're itching to read this, why not join my team for FGBEclipse? I will eventually post it to FFn and TWCS, too, but probably only in late summer or fall.

My main focus over the summer will be on ABD - I've already written the next 4 chapters, and my pre-reader approved of them (to put it mildly, hehe). Progress might be hampered by excessive drooling, though. I'm planning on posting chapter 13 after I return from my vacation, after re-posting the full 12 existing chapters to FFn. I know I'm going to regret this but it's simply the easiest solution for most readers, so there. I'm such a martyr ;)

What to expect from ABD? Well, kinky smut. Smutsmutsmut, the nosedive into my preferred playing ground, and after that, we'll see. I'm aiming at posting one chapter each week, this time for real, and should I get ahead as steadily as I did with the last chapters, maybe one chapter every 5 days or so.

I've also started a new story - Bloody Lies - but only wrote the first intro chapter to see how the new character feels. If I get stuck with ABD I will likely write that instead.

I don't intend to submit any stories for any fanfic contest ever again, but I'm always happy to consider a one-shot or two on the side to write for the contest theme, like I did with BMBM. I just don't want to do the whole voting drama, and drama it always is. So if you see a contest you think might be right up my alley, drop me a note. Or if you're organizing a contest and are looking for an example story, maybe I have time to write one for you. Same goes for interviews, but I can see why no one ever wants to hear my opinion ;)

Thank you, everyone. You were the best audience a write could hope for.


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